When I was thinking the speaking here today, I wondered I'd be too afraid to
speak in front of a group, especially about my mental illness. But then I
thought about my journey and remembered what true fear was. Fair is going to the
psychiatric hospital; I just can't take any more pain. Fear is telling a stranger
about wanting to die. Fear is having my first panic attack at jury duty and have
no one ask me if I was okay while I was crying and shaking in the jury
lounge. Fear is feeling like I just can't make it through another day. Fear
is telling my therapist or the doctor thoughts jumbled up in my mind. Fear is
putting on a happy face so no one knows how broken I feel. So in the spirit of
Joan of Arc, I am not afraid; I was born to do this. I won't lie though, I'm really
nervous, but definitely not afraid. One of the reasons I want to speak here today
is because I want to show the world everyday people have mental
illness too. I cringe when the newscaster mentions the perpetrator of a horrific
crime has had mental health treatment or has a mental illness. Even though I was a
small part of a very fantastic series on mental health in the local paper, the
media often shows a person who's the perpetrator of a crime, but not the
person who's your friend and neighbor, who has their struggles but their
triumphs as well. I live with depression and anxiety but that's not what I'm all
about. I'm a graduate student, a volunteer, an artist, and left-handed. I'm smart,
sensitive, kind, and messy. [laughs] I'm a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a co-worker. I've
worked at my job for 17 and a half years and I'm passionate about the work I do
with kids and teens with autism. I love the students that I work with. They can
be very creative, think outside the box, and make me smile. I'm so energized by my
students and it's not because they're the most courageous or inspiring people in the
world. It's because they faced adversity and do what they need to do to function
in a world that thinks inside the box. I know, I see how those individuals grow
and learn every day. I know the fact that they have autism makes them no less of a
person. My mental illness makes me no less
person as well. I don't want to lessen the seriousness of a heart issue or
cancer, but mental illness shouldn't be lessened either. Heart disease, cancer, and
other illnesses, thought to be more physical, can be life-threatening, but
mental illness is life-threatening too. A good friend of mine died by suicide two
years ago this month. He was a kind and gentle spirit whose pain became
overwhelming. Last summer, the world lost a beautiful famous life to depression. I
heard many people say, "How could someone who had everything still live and die
from depression?" Through my experience, I know fame and fortune surround you, but
mental illness lives inside you, and travels everywhere you go, silently
tormenting you. And it's scary to know the disease I live with daily took
someone's life, knowing it could happen to me as well. The stigma surrounding
mental illness is very prevalent. Without people sharing their stories, it will
continue. Here's a selfie I posted on Facebook a few days after my friend's
death. That experience alone causes grief and sadness and exacerbated my
symptoms of depression. A well-meaning person posted on the pic, "Don't worry, be
happy". That hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like that person was saying I was
choosing to be depressed, that all I had to do is not worry and I could be happy,
that my depression wasn't an illness. I know that person was not being
insensitive, but it hurt just the same. Another well-meaning comment I've heard
many times is, "You shouldn't feel depressed. Think of those less fortunate than you."
First of all, I work with special-needs kids who have challenges every day, so
I'm exposed to people some considered less fortunate. Secondly, I'm thankful for what I
have. You can be depressed and be thankful at the same time. Most
importantly, telling me I shouldn't be depressed because people have less than
me is like telling me I shouldn't be happy because people have more than me.
That's another reason I want to speak today, to educate people who want to help
but don't know how. But there's things you cannot do or say when you're open
about your mental illness. Most people have a moment when someone just frustrates
you so much, and although you don't mean it, you say, "I just want to shoot someone."
You can't say that when you're open about your mental illness, at least not
without a lot of explanation afterwards. Most people remember something funny
that happened early in the day and they laugh about it later, when there's
nothing going on. You can't do that when you're open about your mental illness. [laughter]
Sometimes you can't even cry when you're open about your mental illness. For me,
living with depression and anxiety makes me more sensitive to things that wouldn't
bother some people, involved by life's events in a different way, or feel
intense emotion when there's nothing going on. While most people would be
bothered by a blizzard, the thing they're not worried about is missing a
counseling appointment, which is all I was thinking about this past January. It
may seem minor to most people, is as essential to me as food and water to
talk to someone who knows me and knows my struggles, and hopefully process
things. To have those 50 minutes every two weeks, to know that time is scheduled,
it's how I survive at times and thrive at other times. PeaceLove is another one
of those places that help me survive and thrive. When I come to PeaceLove, I
have to think what gives me peace of mind when I fill in my name tag each
time, and I wanted to share the big things with you today. The first
way I find peace of mind is from support from my friends and family. Depression
and anxiety can be merciless to me at times and cause me to be a drain to
those around me. My close friends and family are there for me for my best and
worst times. Actually, they're there for me more when I can't be there for myself.
They support me through my struggles and my triumphs and are supportive of me here
speaking today. Actually, I consider my friends my family too. Whether they come
from childhood, met through other friends, work support groups, college, or PeaceLove,
I consider them all my family, and I do not know where I'd be now without the
support of my entire family, especially when I'm struggling. Another way I find
peace of mind is through my connection with animals. They are my family too, just
with fur, feathers, or fins, This is Rooster, who was there for me through
thick and thin. He was my main confidant, my pillar strength, and my therapist for
many years. I actually got my current human therapist a year before he died.
Rooster needed to know I was taken care of, when he couldn't physically do
it anymore. Penelope is my quiet supporter. She's
there for me just day-in and -out, just being herself. Oliver was my coach when I
didn't have the energy or strength to deal with the world, to a bad episode of
my depression. He is my former neighbor's cat and would come to the back door and
meow until I came out. Then, after he got his love, he would take walks but made
sure I came with him. Now, this is my current family's guy, Chemo. Now being a
puppy, he is definitely not as mellow as those other animals I mentioned, but he
teaches me patience and keeps me on my feet daily. A big way I create peace of
mind is through sharing and creating art. Creating art helps me live with
depression and anxiety. I also go to therapy, take medication, and have great
support from my family and friends but art fills those cracks that those
supports cannot reach. This pic shows the collage I made at a workshop in PeaceLove.
It's probably one of the most emotional pieces I've made in a workshop.
For me, it signifies the death of my dreams of having a family of my own. It's
full of grief, loss, and despair, but it's also helped me. It helped me get the
emotional time bomb out of my heart and explode it onto the paper. Art is also
comfort for me at in times of stress. The butterfly and train you saw earlier were
created after a death of loved one and the shoes I'm wearing today help me deal
with stress of speaking here. I also use art to show others what it feels like
for me to live with depression and anxiety. Sometimes drawing,
painting, or some other type of art can capture a feeling or experience that words
cannot adequately express. The photo on left shows how I can feel true despair
and true happiness on the same day with depression. The photo on the right shows how
depression can make me feel like I fade into the background at times. This
photo shows how hard it is for me to appear calm on the outside, when I have
so much anxiety going out on the inside. Another way I find peace of mind is
conversation. I believe the biggest activity to end the stigma
surrounding mental illness is conversation. Whether sharing a piece of
art about my mental illness, speaking here today, or talking with a friend,
getting that information out to people is vital. You don't have to share
in a form as big as this-- I was not planning to do that before this year-- but it's
important to share with someone who's safe to share it with. I am very public
about my experiences but I didn't know the misconceptions my family members had
until I trust them for therapy session. So the small conversations are as
important as, or even more important than, the big ones. For those not living with a
mental illness, you can ask a family or friend who has one if they want to share
their experience, that you want to learn more about it. Please respect their
wishes if they don't. Please do not judge them. Please do not say that your
cousin's ex-boyfriend's sister was sad once but went on a gluten-free diet and now feels
better [laughter] or that your aunt was anxious and cheated reiki and now she's fine. What I
want to hear from my loved ones is that I hear you, I believe you, and I'm here
for you. It feels good just to have someone who listens. I think it's also
important briefing mental health professionals to have this conversation
with the people in their life, outside of the professional role, not as a therapist
but as a friend or family member. I am studying to be a licensed mental health
counselor and through my experience just living with depression anxiety, I
see the therapist-client role from a different angle than some therapists. I
believe it's important to see the clients as people first, not just
their diagnosis or their 4 o'clock appointment and it'd be easier if the
therapist had some connection in their everyday life. I am blessed to have
an extraordinary therapist who's always seen me as a person first and always helped
me in my darkest of days. The last reason I came to speak here is a little more
selfish. Of course I want to help others by sharing my story with you, but
part of the desire to speak here is really to help myself. The voices of
depression and anxiety are always putting me down, telling them that I'm not good enough, too
stupid or crazy to be taken seriously, too ugly to date, not
smart enough for graduate school, not strong enough to do this. Why would
anyone want to hear me talk? I learned to be my own mental health advocate and
talking back to those thoughts. I am good enough and smart enough to be taken
seriously. Thank you.