[Epic Baywatch drums]
[CAPITAL names are voiced by Allison; regular names are from the show]
[dundundundundundundundun]
Now that Baywatch has handled a major character death about as gracefully as Mitch on roller skates...
...the team is still reeling from the fallout .
Shauni is finding it hard to cope, now that they've lost the heart of the team.
[Bagpipes mournfully drone "Amazing Grace"]
EDDIE: *sniffling over bagpipes* And that's when Timmy stole my crayons...
EDDIE:...and...he gave me a wedgie, and...*fading into oblivion* I wet myself, and then I was sent to timeout...
Allison: *intervening* And, Eddie's playing dress-up again.
EDDIE: *cheered up* Luckily the rental place had these in child sizes!
CORT: Hehe, shut up, Eddie!
Allison: So, Cort's scheme of the week is more noble than usual, in that it doesn't involve actively endangering someone for his own gain.
So, *boo!*
He's pretending to be some bigwig because he's apparently been donating five grand a year to an old folks' home, and it's in dire straits at the moment.
To make a long story short: he's got to figure out how to get ten thousand dollars, quick!
*excited* But wait!
What if he wins the...?
*monotone*
*excited* If he wins--
*monotone*
He will get:
*final mad-lib word*
Problem solved!
CORT: This is perfect!
Luckily, I've got my overalls on t'shield the audience from my manliness!
*nip rip*
Mitch: Boats'll do about a hundred miles an hour.
Garner: Man, you couldn't pay me enough. Huh!
Craig: Oh, I bet it's safe.
*lawmen laughter*
Slo-Mo Replay: Aslongasyou doon't faaaaallll! Aaaaawwwwhaaaawwwwhaawwwwww!
INTERNAL MITCH: I don't get it...
Allison: How. Can I get. That seagull lamp?
[Anyone???]
[Oh, right, Shauni has a PTSD plot...]
[It has tense strings music and everything]
Lampless Allison: Anyway, I guess that Cort plot is the driving force of this clunker.
Luckily he's got his team of: _____________
But, uh-oh!
Now they have to contend with: ____________
Can they still win the: _____________?
Douchey Rival: Hey, you guys signed up for the big race?
*dramatic music*
*Allison yawning*
Allison, bored: Can't we see Hobie hit on some older women, or...
Mitch burying his hot-teacher girlfriend who is now dead?
I'll tell you something, though: if you love footage of boats in slow motion, you'll probably enjoy this episode immensely.
*That* is some acting!
Mitch: WHOA!
[*Hanna Barbera splat-boing-sound-effect*]
MITCH: Whoops! Not my fault!
Allison: So, thanks to Mitch's terrible boating skills, Cort now has some cracked ribs...
...which gives him a chance to go shirtless again!
John Don't-Wear-a-Shirt Cort: Huh-huh! I guess that's why they call me "John Don't-Wear-a-Shirt Cort"!
Doctor: Okay, now you're just stretching it.
Allison: Now that Cort's out of the game, the others decide to take up the mantle for him.
Knowing this is a dangerous and potentially deadly race, Mitch bravely is the first one to volunteer...
...someone else.
Someone Else: Wait, wait wait, we got a problem--who's gonna take the place on the ski?
Allison: Mitch recruits Garner away from Investigating missing coffee filters and unfulfilled dreams
so he can help them soup up their boat and make it an unbeatable racing machine.
Hey, you know what'll make this better for Craig?
If the boat were more dangerous!
[Billy Ocean - When the Going Gets Tough]
*chains and intense mechanical sounds punctuated by "TOUGH!" "TOUGH!" in a manly montage*
Allison: Oh my God! Amazing!
They couldn't make this manlier if they were washing the boat with leg-hair sponges and using Cort's nipples as screwdrivers!
Speaking of manly...
Eddie is taking Shauni out to swim to help her overcome her PTSD
EDDIE: Not to worry, my little dumpling! I've solved everything!
Shauni: *worried* Eddie?
Shauni: *frightened* Eddie?!
EDDIE: Oh, no! I dropped my lollipop in the sea!
Shauni: *panicking and alone* EDDIE!!!
Allison: So, what is this whole Cort plot about?
Well, it turns out this woman helped him recover from his pectoral implants while he was spending his time as a wild elephant trainer...
or his surrogate father-uncle lives at her old folks' home and he wants to help out.
Cort: Listen Mitch...
I really appreciate you coming with me.
*buzzing noise*
GARNER: Hey, now! Looks like you could use some fatherly advice!
SHAUNI: Shut up, Garner! Who do you think you are, Craig?
GARNER: Awww...
Allison: Can Shauni get over her PMS problems and save this little girl from drowning?
SHAUNI: Oh, no! Baywatch has no one on duty! Curse their negligence!
Allison: Luckily, Newmie was on vacation nearby, and swam forty miles to the scene.
Shauni's Boyfriend: Way to go, Newmie!
ALLISONLOOKER 1: Hooray for Newmie!
ALLISONLOOKER 2: You go, Newmie!
ALLISONLOOKER 3: "Newmie!"
SHAUNI: "I helped!"
EDDIE: "Shut up, Not-Newmie!"
Allison: Time for the _______________!
[ intense, heart-pounding music]
[ roaring motors ]
Allison: They win!
Mitch: YYYYESSSS!!!
Allison: Wait a second, was I reading that title card right?!
This took ten minutes of the episode???
Lordy!
Allison: Mitch gets stuck in a tree, and the show changes up the pace with *another* PTSD plot.
*Baywatch end credits theme*