♪ ♪ ♪ >> WOULD YOU CLIP THAT OFF?
WOULD YOU BE COMFORTABLE DOING THAT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LATER.
LATER.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'VE ALL BEEN QUARANTINING FOR MONTHS, AND I'VE BEEN GOING A
LITTLE STIR-CRAZY.
BUT THAT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL, ACCORDING TO MY THERAPIST,
DOCTOR KAHLUA.
AND THE DANGER IS NOT GOING TO PASS ANYTIME SOON, BECAUSE 20
STATES ARE NOW SEEING A RISE IN CORONAVIRUS CASES, AND
"FLORIDA, TEXAS, AND ARIZONA ALL JUST SET RECORDS FOR THE MOST
CASES THEY HAVE REPORTED IN A SINGLE DAY."
CORONAVIRUS IS SURGING.
OR, AS TRUMP PUT IT: >> THE GREAT AMERICAN COMEBACK.
>> Stephen: EVERY EPIDEMIOLOGIST WARNED US NOT TO OPEN UP TOO
SOON.
THIS IS THE MOST PREDICTABLE HEALTH OUTCOME SINCE THE C.D.C.
PUBLISHED ITS LANDMARK STUDY "HEALTH PROJECTIONS AND
INFLAMMATION RESULTS OF STICKIN' YOUR PENIS IN THAT HORNET'S
NEST."
SEVERAL STATES IN THE SOUTH AND SOUTHWESTERN U.S. OPENED FOR
BUSINESS DESPITE THOSE WARNINGS, AND NOW COVID IS SEEING A
"STEADY SPREAD ACROSS THE SUN BELT."
SO THE EXACT THING THAT WE WERE TOLD WOULD HAPPEN IS NOW
HAPPENING, AND YOU'D HAVE TO BE A COMPLETE IDIOT TO DENY IT.
( KNOCKING )
DOOR?
WHY, IT'S VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE, SEEN HERE REPENTING FOR
EATING A JALAPENO POPPER.
( AS PENCE )
WAS A HUSH PUPPY."
DON'T TELL ICE."
ON MONDAY, ON A CALL WITH GOVERNORS, PENCE TRIED TO BLAME
THE RISING INFECTION NUMBERS ON "AN INCREASE IN TESTING,"
BECAUSE FOR PENCE, THE REAL DISEASE IS KNOWLEDGE, AND YOU
CAN CATCH IT THROUGH THE EYES AND THE EARS.
SO HE'S GOING TO NEED A NEW MASK.
AND YESTERDAY, PENCE CRANKED UP THE MAKE-BELIEVE AND RIPPED OFF
THE KNOB WITH AN OP-ED IN "THE WALL STREET JOURNAL" ENTITLED
"THERE ISN'T A CORONAVIRUS 'SECOND WAVE.'"
GREAT NEWS FOR ALL THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO CHECKED INTO
HOSPITALS THIS WEEK!
YOU CAN GO HOME!
TURNS OUT, YOU WERE FAKIN' IT FOR ALL THE FREE PUDDIN'.
PENCE'S ARGUMENT IS THAT, DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE TO THE
CONTRARY, WE SHOULD NOT FREAK OUT, WRITING, "THE MEDIA HAS
TAKEN TO SOUNDING THE ALARM BELLS OVER CORONAVIRUS
INFECTIONS.
SUCH PANIC IS OVERBLOWN."
EVERY TIME YOU'VE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT COVID IS OVERBLOWN, YOU'VE
BEEN WRONG!
I THINK THE PANIC IS PERFECTLY BLOWN.
LIKE, IN TERMS OF HOW THIS PANIC IS BLOWN, LET'S JUST SAY THE
PANIC IS HAVING AN AMAZING BIRTHDAY.
NOW, KEEP IN MIND, PENCE IS THE SAME MEDICAL GENIUS WHO ONLY 20
YEARS AGO WROTE AN ARTICLE ARGUING THAT "DESPITE THE
HYSTERIA FROM THE POLITICAL CLASS AND THE MEDIA, SMOKING
DOESN'T KILL."
YOU DO NOT WANT MIKE PENCE AS YOUR DOCTOR.
( AS PENCE )
I'M AFRAID YOUR LUNG X-RAY SHOWS A RAPIDLY GROWING MASS OF
MEDIA HYSTERIA.
I'M GOING TO WRITE YOU A PRESCRIPTION FOR COOL-MENTHOL
FLAVOR.
IT'LL RELAX YOUR T-ZONE."
FORTUNATELY, WE ARE ALSO HEARING FROM SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS
STUFF, THE NATION'S TOP EPIDEMIOLOGIST, DR. ANTHONY
FAUCI, SEEN HERE WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH HIS EYES.
FAUCI HAD SOME GOOD NEWS.
"THERE'S NO NEED FOR A SECOND LOCKDOWN FOR COVID-19."
WOO-HOO!
BURN YOUR MASKS, LICK THE GROCERIES, AND TEAR DOWN YOUR
SEX WALL!
WE'RE FREE!
IS WHAT I WOULD SAY IF I DIDN'T ACTUALLY READ THE ARTICLE.
TURNS OUT, DESPITE THE HEADLINE, WHAT FAUCI ACTUALLY SAID WAS, "I
DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT A SECOND WAVE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE
WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN OUT OF OUR FIRST WAVE."
COME ON, TONY!
DON'T PLAY US LIKE THAT.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "HONEY, I PROMISE I'M NOT GOING TO CHEAT
ON YOU AGAIN, BECAUSE I NEVER STOPPED CHEATING ON YOU THE
FIRST TIME.
COME ON IN, DIANE!
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HER.
COME ON IN!" UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S NO WAY
THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HOW BAD THINGS ARE, BECAUSE "FAUCI SAYS
HE HAS NOT TALKED WITH TRUMP IN TWO WEEKS."
WELL, THAT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.
WHEN YOU'RE EXPOSED TO TRUMP, YOU WANT TO QUARANTINE FOR 14
DAYS TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INFECTED WITH
MORON-A-VIRUS.
SYMPTOMS INCLUDE RAMP-SHUFFLE AND RESTLESS DOUCHE SYNDROME.
FAUCI BROKE SOME OTHER DISTURBING NEWS.
REMEMBER HOW AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PANDEMIC, PUBLIC HEALTH
EXPERTS SAID, "DON'T WEAR MASKS," AND THEN LATER SAID,
"OH, YEAH, WEAR MASKS"?
WELL, THERE'S A REASON: >> WHY WERE WE TOLD LATER IN THE
SPRING TO WEAR THEM WHEN WE WERE INITIALLY TOLD NOT TO?
>> WELL, THE REASON FOR THAT IS WE WERE CONCERNED-- THE PUBLIC
HEALTH COMMUNITY, AND MANY PEOPLE WERE SAYING THIS-- WERE
CONCERNED THAT IT WAS AT A TIME WHEN PERSONAL PROTECTIVE
EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE N95 MASKS AND THE SURGICAL MASKS,
WERE IN VERY SHORT SUPPLY.
SO, THERE WAS NOT ENTHUSIASM ABOUT GOING OUT AND EVERYBODY
BUYING A MASK OR GETTING A MASK.
WE WERE AFRAID THAT THAT WOULD DETER AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE WHO
REALLY NEEDED IT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT MAKES LOGICAL SENSE, BUT IT'S NOT AN
EXCUSE FOR LYING TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC.
YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US TO WEAR A BANDANNA OVER OUR FACES,
OR A SCARF, OR EAT A WHOLE GIANT CONTAINER OF CHEESEBALLS AND
THEN SHOVE THE EMPTY PLASTIC JAR OVER OUR HEADS.
I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT!
I HAVE DONE THAT.
FAUCI ALSO MADE IT CLEAR THAT WE SHOULD NOT BE RUSHING TO REOPEN.
WHEN ASKED IF HE WOULD ATTEND TRUMP'S UPCOMING RALLY IN TULSA,
HE REPLIED, "NO," ADDING THAT, WHEN IT CAME TO TRUMP'S RALLIES
"OUTSIDE IS BETTER THAN INSIDE, NO CROWD IS BETTER THAN CROWD,"
AND "CROWD IS BETTER THAN BIG CROWD."
AND IF THE PRESIDENT NEEDS A VISUAL REFERENCE FOR WHAT AN
OUTSIDE, NOT-BIG CROWD LOOKS LIKE, IT'S THIS.
YOU WERE AHEAD OF YOUR TIME, SIR.
NOW, WE'RE LEARNING MORE DETAILS ABOUT TRUMP'S LAWSUIT TRYING TO
BLOCK THE PUBLICATION OF A NEW BOOK BY FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISER AND THE SCRUBBING BUBBLES' DISAPPROVING
GRANDFATHER, JOHN BOLTON.
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT IS SUING BOLTON FOR BREACHING HIS
NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT.
EXPERTS ARE CALLING THE LAWSUIT ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME ATTEMPTS
TO STOP A FORMER TRUMP ADVISER FROM RECOUNTING HIS EXPERIENCE.
AND IT AIN'T GOING TO WORK.
FIRST OF ALL, THEY'VE ALREADY DISTRIBUTED TOO MANY COPIES OF
"THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED"-- SPECIFICALLY, TO MY ROOM, WHERE
IT'S HAPPENIN'.
SECOND, ACCORDING TO ONE EXPERT, "EVERY TIME THE GOVERNMENT HAS
TRIED TO PREVENT SOMEONE FROM PUBLISHING WHAT THEY BELIEVE TO
BE CLASSIFIED, THEY HAVE LOST."
FOR MORE, WE TURN TO CBS LEGAL ANALYST, WALTER SOBCHAK:
WALTER.
>> FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THE SUPREME COURT HAS ROUNDLY
REJECTED PRIOR RESTRAINT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR THAT ANALYSIS, WALTER.
ANY OTHER MESSAGE FOR THE PRESIDENT?
>> FORGET IT, DONNIE, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, WALTER.
TRUMP'S LAWSUIT CLAIMS BOLTON'S BOOK DIDN'T FINISH THE
PRE-PUBLICATION PROCESS.
BUT AFTER ROUNDS OF EDITS ENDING IN LATE APRIL, THE NATIONAL
SECURITY OFFICIAL WHO REVIEWED THE BOOK "DETERMINED THAT THE
LATEST VERSION OF THE MANUSCRIPT NO LONGER CONTAINED CLASSIFIED
INFORMATION."
OH.
BUT LESS THAN A WEEK LATER-- YOU OKAY OVER THERE?
>> YEAH.
BUT LESS THAN A WEEK LATER, THE WHITE HOUSE STARTED ANOTHER
OFFICIAL REVIEW THAT CAME AT THE REQUEST OF NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISER ROBERT O'BRIEN.
AND THE WHITE HOUSE HAS NOW TAKEN LONGER TO REVIEW THE BOOK
THAN BOLTON DID TO WRITE IT.
THAT'S WHY BOLTON'S ALREADY WORKING ON THE SEQUEL: "THE ROOM
WHERE 'THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED' ALMOST DIDN'T HAPPEN."
AND YOU CAN SEE WHY TRUMP IS SO DESPERATE TO KILL THIS BOOK.
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, SEVERAL NEWSPAPERS PUBLISHED EXCERPTS.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS.
IT'S WORSE THAN EVEN I IMAGINED.
LET'S START SMALL.
NOT A GREAT SIGN WHEN YOU'RE MEETING WITH A MURDEROUS
DICTATOR AND YOUR TEAM IS PASSING MEAN NOTES ABOUT YOU.
ACCORDING TO BOLTON, TRUMP'S IGNORANCE IS NEAR BOTTOMLESS.
APPARENTLY, TRUMP DIDN'T SEEM TO KNOW THAT BRITAIN WAS A NUCLEAR
POWER AND ASKED IF FINLAND WERE PART OF RUSSIA.
NOW, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HIS CONFUSION THERE, BECAUSE UNDER
TRUMP, WE'RE KIND OF PART OF RUSSIA.
( RUSSIAN MUSIC )
>> Stephen: I WISH YOU COULD HAVE SEEN MY LEGS.
I WAS JUST AMAZING.
BOLTON ALSO SAYS THAT INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS WERE A
WASTE OF TIME "SINCE MUCH OF THE TIME WAS SPENT LISTENING
TO TRUMP, RATHER THAN TRUMP LISTENING TO THE BRIEFERS."
( AS TRUMP )
THIS A 'BRIEF' WHEN IT GOES ON SO LONG.
CHANGE OF SUBJECT: HERE ARE MY FAVORITE WAYS TO EAT POTATOES IN
ORDER OF PREFERENCE: FRIED, FRENCH FRIED, DEEP FRIED-- YOU
WRITIN' THIS DOWN?
TATER TOTTLED, MASHED, SMASHED, WAFFLED, AND CURLY.
NOT A FAN OF THE CURLY.
IT'S A MEAL, NOT AN OBSTACLE COURSE.
ANYWAY, WHAT'S NEXT?
NUKES?
YOU CAN'T NUKE FRIES.
THEY GET ALL MUSHY."
TURNS OUT TRUMP MADE IT A HABIT TO ASK FOREIGN COUNTRIES TO
INTERFERE IN OUR ELECTIONS.
BOLTON WRITES THAT TRUMP DIRECTLY ASKED CHINA'S XI TO BUY
AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTS TO HELP HIM WIN FARM STATES IN 2020 AND
WAS "PLEADING WITH XI TO ENSURE HE'D WIN,"
"BUY THE WHEAT, OR I'M DEAD MEAT!
ALSO, ARIZONA IS NOT LOOKING GOOD FOR ME, SO I'M GOING TO
NEED YOU GUYS TO BUY A LOT OF ICED TEA."
NOW HERE'S WHERE THE STORY GOES FROM AMORAL IDIOCY TO DOWNWRITE
EVIL.
I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT THOSE CHINESE CONCENTRATION CAMPS ARE
HORRIBLE.
BUT YOU KNOW, TRUMP IS A BUILDER.
I'M SURE HE HOOKED UP XI WITH A GREAT CONTRACTOR, MAYBE THE SAME
GUY WHO BUILT TRUMP'S BABY CAGES.
BOLTEN SAID WHEN HE ARRIVED, HE WAS GIVEN A WARNING.
SOUND LIKE WORKING THERE WAS LIKE THE MOVIE "GET OUT" EXCEPT
THE CHARACTERES WERE MUCH MORE HOSTILE TO BLACK PEOPLE.
BUT WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, BOO-(BLEEP)-HOO.
IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE, NOT DAIRY QUEEN.
IF IT'S A HORRIBLE PLACE, YOU'RE OBLIGATED TO TELL THE WORLD AND
SAVE THE NATION, NOT PRIVATELY BITCH ABOUT IT WITH YOUR BUDDY
'TIL THERE'S AN OPENING AT COLD STONE CREAMERY!
AND IT GET MORE DISTURBING.
NOW, HE MAY HAVE SAID THAT, BUT I DOUBT FRUMP WOULD EVER EXECUTE
A JOURNALIST.
HE WOULD ASK JARED TO HAVE HIS SAUDI FRIENDS DO IT.
BUT MAYBE MOST DAMNING OF ALL IS BOLTON'S DESCRIPTION OF TRUMP'S
PATTERN OF CORRUPTION.
HE DESCRIBED SEVERAL EPISODES WHERE THE PRESIDENT EXPRESSED
WILLINGNESS TO HALT CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIONS "TO, IN EFFECT,
GIVE PERSONAL FAVORS TO DICTATORS HE LIKED," CITING
CASES INVOLVING MAJOR FIRMS IN CHINA AND TURKEY.
ADDING, "THE PATTERN LOOKED LIKE OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE AS A WAY
OF LIFE, WHICH WE COULDN'T ACCEPT."
DAMN RIGHT!
JOHN BOLTON KNEW IT WAS WRONG TO STAND IDLY BY AND ACCEPT THE
PRESIDENT REPEATEDLY OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE!
HE KNEW THAT THE RIGHT THING WAS TO STAND IDLY BY AND WAIT FOR
THAT BOOK DEAL.
SEE YOU TUESDAY, SIR!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪