WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, UP THERE, DOWN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYBODY
WATCHING RIGHT NOW.
TREMENDOUS.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING
THE TV, YOU KNOW IT'S AN HISTORIC SOLID DAY THAT
WILL FOREVER ALTER THE FABRIC OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY...
SO, THURSDAY.
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE SENATE OFFICIALLY OPENED THE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF PRESIDENT DONALD JOHN TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> MOUTH TO MOUTH RESUSCITATION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS, BUT I LIKE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, THE HOUSE SENT A
FORMAL PROCESSION TO PRESENT THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT TO THE
SENATE, KICKING OFF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
OR IT WOULD HAVE, BUT MITCH MCCONNELL DECLARED THAT "THE
IMPEACHMENT ARTICLES COULD NOT BE 'FORMALLY' DELIVERED UNTIL
THE FOLLOWING DAY."
SO HOUSE MEMBERS HAD TO LEAVE A "SORRY WE MISSED YOU" SLIP.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THEY WILL PICK UP THE
IMPEACHMENT ARTICLES AT THE AIRPORT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
TODAY, HOUSE MANAGERS HELD A VERY SOLEMN RE-PARADE, AND WHEN
THEY ARRIVED IN THE SENATE, THERE WAS A HIGH-STAKES
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SENATE SERGEANT-AT-ARMS.
>> HEAR YE, HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
ALL PERSONS ARE COMMANDED TO KEEP SILENT ON PAIN OF
IMPRISONMENT WHILE THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IS EXHIBITING TO
THE SENATE OF THE UNITED STATES ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT AGAINST
DONALD JOHN TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Announcer: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
SILENT ON PAIN OF IMPRISONMENT!
IT'S THE SENATE'S SECOND HARSHEST PUNISHMENT AFTER
"SILENT BUT DEADLY."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, THE SENATE SUMMONED CHIEF
JUSTICE ROBERTS, WHO MADE A DRAMATIC ENTRANCE, LED BY THE
RESERVOIR DOGS.
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH... ♪ ONLY, IN THIS CASE, THERE ARE
THREE MR. WHITES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CHIEF JUSTICE THEN SWORE IN
THE SENATE JURY.
>> DO YOU SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT IN ALL THINGS APPERTAINING TO THE
TRIAL OF THE IMPEACHMENT OF DONALD JOHN TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, NOW PENDING, YOU WILL DO IMPARTIAL JUSTICE
ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION AND LAWS, SO HELP YOU GOD?
>> I DO.
>> STEPHEN: THERE, EVERY SENATOR JUST SWORE TO BE AN IMPARTIAL
JUROR, WHICH MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THIS GUY.
>> I'M NOT AN IMPARTIAL JUROR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY.
IT TAKES A SPECIAL TALENT TO BE A SPLIT JURY OF ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, ADAM SCHIFF READ THE
ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT INTO THE RECORD, AND THEY WERE ADJOURNED
UNTIL TUESDAY.
IT WOULD BE MONDAY, BUT THAT'S MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
"IMPEACHED AT LAST, IMPEACHED AT LAST, WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS,
BUT HE'S IMPEACHED AT LAST."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
♪ NOW, FOR WEEKS, REPUBLICANS HAVE
IGNORED MOUNTING EVIDENCE THAT TRUMP KNEW EVERYTHING THAT WAS
HAPPENING WITH THE UKRAINE SCHEME, AND DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN
PRAYING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.
WELL, LAST NIGHT, AN ENTIRE FOOT LOCKER FELL OUT OF THE SKY,
THANKS TO GIULIANI ASSOCIATE AND MAN WHO TOLD THE BARBER,
"GIVE ME THE CHARLIE BROWN," LEV PARNAS.
>> JON: "PEANUTS."
>> STEPHEN: PARNAS, YOU'LL REMEMBER, IS A RECENTLY-INDICTED
GOON WHO WORKED WITH GIULIANI TO HELP TRUMP BLACKMAIL UKRAINE
INTO INVESTIGATING JOE BIDEN.
AND LAST NIGHT, PARNAS GAVE A BUNCH OF INTERVIEWS OUTLINING
THE PRESIDENT'S INVOLVEMENT.
AND THEY WERE JUICY!
SO I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE STANDING BY WITH THAT POPCORN GIF OF ME.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST UP, PARNAS SAT DOWN WITH
RACHEL MADDOW AND IMMEDIATELY TOSSED TRUMP UNDER AIR FORCE
ONE: >> WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MAIN
INACCURACY OR THE MAIN LIE THAT'S BEING TOLD, THAT YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU CAN CORRECT?
>> THAT THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.
PRESIDENT TRUMP KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: AAAHHH!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: THIS --
THIS IS HISTORIC.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS
EVER USED THE PHRASE "TRUMP KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PARNAS CALLED OUT TRUMP ON ALL OF HIS LIES, LIKE HOW TRUMP
KEEPS SAYING HE DOESN'T KNOW PARNAS.
>> IN TERMS OF THE PRESIDENT AND WHAT HE SAID ABOUT YOU, YOU
ABOUT YOU AND MR. FRUMAN, IGOR FRUMAN, "I DON'T
KNOW THOSE GENTLEMEN, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THEM, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY DO."
YOU'RE SAYING THAT WAS NOT A TRUE STATEMENT FROM THE
PRESIDENT?
>> HE LIED.
I MEAN, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS, WHEN YOU SAY "FRIENDS," ME AND HIM
DIDN'T WATCH FOOTBALL GAMES TOGETHER, WE DIDN'T EAT HOT
DOGS.
>> STEPHEN: "I MEAN, HE INVITED ME OVER FOR HOT DOGS, BUT BY THE
TIME I GOT THERE, THEY WERE ALL GONE.
SO WAS A LARGE PORTION OF THE FOOTBALL."
PARNAS TALKED TO ANDERSON COOPER, AND SHOCKED EVERYONE BY
REVEALING THAT BEFORE TRUMP TRIED TO PRESSURE ZELENSKY INTO
ANNOUNCING AN INVESTIGATION OF BIDEN, TRUMP HAD ALREADY PUT THE
SAME SCREWS TO UKRAINE'S PREVIOUS PRESIDENT, PETRO
POROSHENKO.
>> THE FIRST QUID PRO QUO WE GAVE WAS WHEN WE MET WITH
PRESIDENT POROSHENKO.
IF HE WOULD MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT, THAT HE WOULD--
TRUMP WOULD INVITE HIM TO THE WHITE HOUSE, OR MAKE A STATEMENT
FOR HIM.
BUT BASICALLY, WOULD START SUPPORTING HIM FOR, YOU KNOW,
PRESIDENT.
>> SO THAT WAS THE FIRST QUID PRO QUO.
POROSHENKO COULD CAN COME TO THE WHITE HOUSE OR GET MEETING
WITH TRUMP IF HE ANNOUNCES AN INVESTIGATION.
>> CORRECT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS SO TRUMP.
HARASS A UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT AND THEN REPLACE HIM WITH A YOUNGER,
HOTTER ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PARNAS MADE IT CLEAR THAT TRUMP THREATENED UKRAINE, AND NOT JUST
THEIR MILITARY AID.
>> MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI TOLD ME AFTER, YOU KNOW, MEETING WITH
THE PRESIDENT AT THE WHITE HOUSE, HE CALLED ME THE MESSAGE
WAS IT WASN'T JUST MILITARY AID, IT WAS ALL AID.
BASICALLY, THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WOULD BE SOUR, THAT WE WOULD
STOP GIVING THEM ANY KIND OF AID.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "WE'RE TALKING ALL THE AID.
MILITARY AID, HUMANITARIAN AID, LEMONADE, BAND-AID, FARM AID,
MILK MAID, DENNIS QUAID."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, I -- I -- I, I, I --
TRUMP HAS INSISTED THAT HE WITHHELD THAT AID TO FIGHT
"CORRUPTION," BUT LEV PARNAS SAYS, "NUH-UH."
>> IT WAS ALL ABOUT JOE BIDEN, HUNTER BIDEN.
THE ONLY THING WE CARED ABOUT WAS THAT WE WERE-- THE TEAM WAS
TO GET ZELENSKY, OR POROCHENKO OR SOMEBODY, TO MAKE A PRESS
RELEASE, AN ANNOUNCEMENT INTO THE BIDEN INVESTIGATION."
>> STEPHEN: DING-DING-DING.
GUN, SMOKING.
FAT LADY, SINGING.
BOMB, SHELLED.
THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD BE MORE DAMNING FOR TRUMP IS IF THERE'S
A PHONE TRANSCRIPT OF HIM DEMANDING AN INVESTIGATION OF
JOE-- OH.
OH -- OH -- OH -- ( LAUGHTER )
THIS WASN'T EASY FOR PARNAS, BECAUSE HE HAD SPECIAL FEELINGS
FOR TRUMP.
>> YOU LOVED PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> LOVED HIM.
I MEAN, WHEN THE F.B.I. CAME TO MY HOUSE TO RAID, MY WIFE FELT
EMBARRASSED BECAUSE THEY SAID I HAD A SHRINE TO HIM.
I MEAN, I HAD PICTURES ALL OVER.
I MEAN, I IDOLIZED HIM.
I THOUGHT HE WAS THE SAVIOR.
>> STEPHEN: I UNDERSTAND THAT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT TRUMP, I SAY "JESUS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) NOW, THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS
ARE ALREADY CALLING PARNAS A LIAR, BUT HERE'S THE THING:
HE BROUGHT THE RECEIPTS.
TUESDAY, HOUSE DEMOCRATS RELEASED A HUGE CACHE OF
INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS PROVIDED BY PARNAS.
AND THEN THEY RELEASED ANOTHER ONE YESTERDAY-- HANDWRITTEN
NOTES, TEXT MESSAGES, VOICEMAILS, PICTURES, CALENDARS.
HE EVEN HAS A SCRAPBOOK: "OUR UKRAINE-ZY SUMMER VACAY!
GETTING COLLUDY WITH THE PREZ AND RUDY 2019!"
FOR MOST OF THE PAST 24 HOURS, TRUMP HAS BEEN STRANGELY SILENT
ON IMPEACHMENT.
NO SHOUTS, NO TWEETS.
WHICH WAS QUITE ALARMING.
IT'S LIKE WHEN THE KIDS ARE PLAYING UPSTAIRS.
YOU GET USED TO THE SCREAMING, BUT WHEN THEY GO QUIET, GRAB THE
KEYS, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.
BUT THIS AFTERNOON, THE PRESSURE FINALLY GOT TO HIM, AND HE
BLASTED OFF THIS GEM: "I JUST GOT IMPEACHED FOR MAKING A
PERFECT PHONE CALL!" IT'S NOT SINKING IN.
IT'S GETTING -- TRUMP'S LIKE A DOG WHO JUST TOOK
A CRAP IN YOUR SHOE AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE'S MAD
ABOUT IT.
(AS TRUMP) "BUT MY AIM WAS PERFECT!
I FILLED THE LOAFER COMPLETELY!" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: THAT OLD DOG.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE DEFINITELY GELIN' NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO, UP TO THIS POINT,
HADN'T SAID A WORD ABOUT LEV PARNAS, EVEN THOUGH PARNAS
TAUNTED HIM ON TV, SAYING THIS: >> WHEN YOU WERE ARRESTED, THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW YOU.
>> I WELCOME HIM TO SAY THAT EVEN MORE.
EVERY TIME HE SAYS THAT, I'LL SHOW THEM ANOTHER PICTURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: A NEW PICTURE.
LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S BOLD.
A NEW PICTURE FOR EVERY DENIAL.
WELL, TODAY, TRUMP TOOK HIM UP ON THAT CHALLENGE.
>> I DON'T KNOW PARNAS.
I DON'T KNOW HIM AT ALL.
DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S ABOUT.
DON'T KNOW WHERE HE COMES FROM.
I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS.
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM.
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER SPOKEN TO HIM.
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A LOT OF PICTURES.
I MEAN, LEV MIGHT AS WELL RELEASE VIDEO OF THE TWO OF THEM
TOGETHER.
OH, HE DID?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S FOOTAGE OF LEV AND TRUMP CHATTING AT MAR-A-LAGO IN 2016.
NOW, JUST WHAT -- THERE IT IS.
WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?
IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY, BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON, LEV PUT JANET
JACKSON'S 1997 HIT "TOGETHER AGAIN" OVER THE WHOLE CLIP.
♪ EVERYWHERE I GO EVERY SMILE I SEE
♪ I KNOW YOU ARE THERE SMILING BACK AT ME ♪
>> STEPHEN: EVEN THOUGH "NASTY BOYS" WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MORE
APPROPRIATE.
(AS PARNAS) "MY NAME'S NOT BABY, IT'S LEV.
MR. PARNAS, IF YOU'RE NASTY."
( LAUGHTER ) UP UNTIL NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE'S
DEFENSE HAS BEEN CLEAR: NOTHING HAPPENED.
AND IF IT DID HAPPEN, IT WAS ABOUT CORRUPTION.
AND IF IT WASN'T ABOUT CORRUPTION, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM
SINCE IT'S TOTALLY LEGAL FOR THE PRESIDENT TO WITHHOLD AID.
CAN'T HAVE IMPEACHMENT IF HE DIDN'T BREAK THE LAW.
WELL, FUNNY COINKYDINK: TODAY, THE NON-PARTISAN GOVERNMENT
ACCOUNTABILITY OFFICE RELEASED A REPORT SAYING THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION BROKE THE LAW IN WITHHOLDING UKRAINE AID.
SO THE DAY THE IMPEACHMENT IS DELIVERED, HIS OWN GOVERNMENT
ANNOUNCES HE'S GUILTY.
THAT'S LIKE SHOWING UP TO THE CUSTODY HEARING AND YOUR KIDS
YELL, "DAD, WE MADE YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST COCKTAIL!"
"AND WE DIDN'T DROWN IT!" ( PIANO RIFF )
HERE'S WHAT THE G.A.O. WROTE: "FAITHFUL EXECUTION OF THE LAW
DOES NOT PERMIT THE PRESIDENT TO SUBSTITUTE HIS OWN POLICY
PRIORITIES FOR THOSE THAT CONGRESS HAS ENACTED INTO LAW."
(AS TRUMP) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"NO, NO.
NO, NO.
I'M SORRY, YOU LOST ME AT FAITHFUL."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
JOSH GAD IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND.