♪ Everybody's having fun ♪
♪ Look to the future ♪
- Thank you very much.
(audience cheering and applauding)
Thank you very much.
Welcome to "Live at the Apollo."
(audience cheering)
And Merry Christmas.
Oh, Christmas.
'Cause Christmas is a lovely time for families, isn't it?
I took my mum shopping.
My mum's in a wheelchair, we went into a department store.
And went into the disabled toilet
within the department store.
And my mum did a wee, and I thought,
"While I'm in, I'll have a quick wee as well."
But I knew I needed to fart at the same time.
Toilet wasn't very busy,
thoroughfare, a lot of people going past that door.
So I said to me mum, I said,
"Do us a favour, mum."
She said, "What?"
I said "Clap."
I don't know why I said that.
(audience laughing)
I think I thought the noise would drown it out.
Of course, I am very comfortable with applause.
This is my job after all.
So she did, she went like this.
(palms smack)
She did one. (audience laughing)
I said, "How good do you think your timing is, mum?"
The problem we had is when she clapped, the lights went off.
But luckily I did a big loud fart
and they came back on again.
I've got one sister, it's just the two of us.
My sister is six years older than me.
When she was a teenager, she used to talk very slang,
very Geordie slang, and my mum didn't like it,
so my mum would correct her,
and me being the little s*tty sister, I would help.
So if my sister said "I'm gan oot"
my mum would correct her and say, "I'm going out."
My sister would have to repeat, "I'm going out"
before she was allowed to go out
and I'd just be standing beside them both saying,
"I'm going out" like the arsehole that I was.
This time my sister was really ill.
She had a really bad finger.
She went to hospital with my mum.
They came back in from A&E and I said to my sister,
"What's the matter with your finger then?"
And she said, "Oh, they said it's gangrene."
And I genuinely said "Going green."
(audience laughing)
Like I properly thought a medical doctor had gone,
"That's gan green, then it's gonna gan broon,
then it's gonna fall off."
I've got a little dog. He's adorable.
He's a rescue dog. He's very sweet.
He does bark at all other dogs,
that's the one problem we have with him,
he will bark at all other dogs.
But I just use the fact that he's a rescue if that comes up.
So say I'm out walking him and he barks at another dog,
the other owner will look at me like, "Control your dog."
And I'll just turn to her and I'll say,
"I'm really sorry, but he's a rescue."
And then she'll turn to me and she'll say,
"I'm so sorry for what he's been through."
And she thinks his owner died and we got him.
That's what he's been through.
You can't do that with blokes, can you?
If a bloke's fighting in the pub, you can't go,
"I'm really sorry, but he's a rescue.
Just found him wandering around Debenhams on his own.
I checked and he's not married
'cause he hasn't been chipped."
The dog hurt his paw a few months ago.
Hurt his paw, so I rang the vet, it was out of hours,
so I got straight through to the vet herself.
She said, "What's the problem?"
I said, "The dog's hurt his paw."
She said, "Which paw?"
And I said, "It's his left hand."
She said, "His what?"
I said, "His left hand."
She said, "Do you mean his foreleg?"
I said, "I don't know.
I didn't go to university like you did, flower.
To me, it's his left hand."
I know what you're thinking,
you think I humanise the dog,
I know that's what you thinking.
Shut up, I don't. I don't humanise him, I don't.
So I took his little waistcoat off
and I took him to the vet,
got him all bandaged up and I brought him home.
My husband was working away at the time
and I thought I should probably ring him,
let him know what's going on, so I did.
And my husband said, "What's the matter?"
I said, "The dog's hurt his paw."
And my husband said, "Which paw?"
And I thought, "What's the fascination with which paw?"
It's not like it's the one he writes with.
I said it was his left hand.
And my husband said, "His what?"
I said, "His left hand."
He said, "Ah, you mean front passenger side."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
The dog sleeps downstairs.
His choice, he sleeps on the sofa.
And then in the morning when he wakes up, he comes up
to our bedroom and every single day,
he asks permission to get on the bed.
He pats the side of the bed with both hands, hands.
And I'll wake up and I go, "Go on then."
And he jumps up on the bed and sort of little spoons me,
kind of lies here like this, it's very sweet.
We all fall back to sleep again
for another half an hour, it's adorable.
The other day though, having fallen back to sleep again,
I woke up because he was growling
and I thought, "What's he growling at?
What's going on here?"
What had happened, because they're sort of loose
in the night, one of me boobs had landed on his head.
(audience laughing)
The dog is very little, my tits are not.
(growling)
Poor little bugger,
he's lucky he didn't get caught between them, he'd be dead.
I do, I like to break out the board games this time of year.
Not long ago I played a game of Jenga with some friends
and a couple of days after that,
I was talking to my dad on the phone,
I thought I'll tell him about it.
And then I thought, I dunno if my dad knows what Jenga is,
he's in his 70s, I dunno when it first became popular,
so I thought I'll ask him.
So I said, "Dad, you know what Jenga is?"
And he said, "Yeah, like sex."
I said, "Jenga." He said, "Sex."
I had so many questions
and I didn't want any of the answers.
And I said to him, I said,
"Can I ask which word you think I'm saying?"
And he said, "Yeah, gender."
I was like, "Oh, thank Christ for that."
I had a horrible idea that that's what him
and me mum called it.
When he tried to pull himself out without toppling her over.
(audience laughing)
A few months ago, I went for a bra fitting.
Give us a whoo if you've ever been for a bra fitting.
- [Audience] Whoo!
- Give us a whoo if you did not enjoy it.
- [Audience] Whoo.
- Exactly the same people again.
It's quite an odd experience, isn't it?
I've been touring and asking the women in my audiences
what they didn't like about their bra fitting.
One lady shouted out "Cold hands."
That's what she said.
"I didn't like the cold hands."
And I get it because they have to touch you at various times
and cold hands aren't very pleasant to touch.
But I had a think about it,
and I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands.
Warm hands kind of ick me out.
Warm hands imply to me that they've been doing this, ooh.
"Ooh Sheila, I've seen me 10 o'clock, I cannot wait."
There's another lady shouted out.
I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fitting?"
And she said "It was embarrassing."
I said, "Of course it's embarrassing, flower."
And I said,
"Was there one moment that was worse than the rest?"
She said, "Oh yes, when I took my bra off,
two bits of popcorn fell out."
(audience laughing)
And one lady shouted out
that she thought there were too many mirrors,
and I get that.
I think there are too many mirrors in those cubicles.
'Cause when I went for mine, the lady said to me,
"And would you like to look at the back of the bra?"
And I thought, "No."
And then I thought,
"I wonder if I'm missing out on something."
So I had a look, turns out I've got back tits as well.
I didn't know about those.
Thanks for pointing them out, you cow.
I'm surprised she didn't try and sell me a bra
for the back ones and all.
But I'll tell you what happened to me.
So every now and again I have to have a photo shoot.
Now I hate photo shoots.
I have really bad body image issues,
so a photo shoot for somebody like me is a nightmare,
but sometimes they're unavoidable,
and I had two in the space of a fortnight,
one for the cover of my book
and one for the poster for my tour.
And I had a lady who's helped me pick some clothes
for the photo shoots, and I said to her,
"Look, I don't have the time, or indeed the inclination
to lose any weight."
But I said, "Could you recommend anything
that might make me look a bit better?"
And she said, "Go for a bra fitting."
She said, "A properly fitted bra will knock pounds off you."
And I said, "How many bras could I wear?"
Front tits, back tits, arse cheeks maybe?
I don't know.
The place she recommended to me was,
until about three months ago,
known as the queen's bra fitter,
which I find quite an odd boast, don't you?
"Oh, we do the queen's bra. We do the queen's bras here."
I find that such an odd boast.
I've never once watched trooping the colour on the telly
and thought, "Oh, I wish I had tits like hers."
I made an appointment at the place she recommended.
I went along to the appointment, I went into the cubicle
with the lady I'd made the appointment with,
and I took off my top and I had me best bra on.
You always wear your best one, don't you?
I had me best bra on, and that's what I said to the lady.
I said, "This is my best fitting bra."
And she went like this. (laughing)
She said, "That's what everyone says."
I said, "Well, maybe that's what everyone means."
Like, we didn't hit it off at all.
It was eggy from the get go.
She said, "What we need to do with those two",
those two, like they're separate from my person.
"What we need to do with those two is lift and separate.
Lift and separate."
I said, "Well don't separate them too much
'cause that's what it looks like when I'm in bed."
(audience laughing)
The way she was talking, it sounded like she wanted them
to look like a travel pillow.
She gave me a bra to try on and I said to her,
"Would you mind stepping out of the cubicle
while I put on the bra and then when I've got it on,
I'll shout you back in."
She looked utterly perplexed at this.
She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years."
I said, "Well, I haven't been doing this for 30 years."
And then I thought, showing my boobs to strangers?
Probably a good 25.
But I didn't wanna add her to my list,
my list of people who've seen my tits.
There's not that many people on my list.
Just a handful of blokes
and a window cleaner once by accident.
So we've got a bra that fits
and she tightened up the straps
'cause I had them on comfy setting,
you know, where they just sort of graze your belly.
Oh, I love that.
Thank God I've got a belly, otherwise that'd hit the deck.
But she tightened up the straps
to where they're supposed to be.
And then she put one finger under the strap at the top,
she put one finger underneath and she said,
"This is the rule.
You're supposed to be only get one finger under the strap."
And then she looked at me for a response.
I don't know why I said the following,
but when she said "One finger, that's the rule, one finger,"
I said, "Oh that's interesting,
'cause it's two for a dog's collar."
Why the f*ck did I say that?
(audience laughing)
To make it worse, I then said,
"Are you trying to stop me
from losing my boobs in the park?"
Why am I still talking?
Shut up.
But there was one lady and I asked her,
"Why didn't you like your bra fitting?"
She was an older lady and she said,
"When I took my bra off, my boobs went down like that,
so they just measured me waist."
Another lady said,
"I didn't like it 'cause I didn't know the etiquette,
and I took my bra off too early."
How does that work? Was she still on the bloody bus?
I was in hospital last Christmas,
not for very long, not for anything serious.
They gave me one of those gowns, you know,
that doesn't quite shut at the back.
And then she said,
"The next thing we need from you is a urine sample."
Give us a whoo if you've ever given a urine sample.
- [Audience] Whoo.
- Give us a whoo those of you who are women.
- [Audience] Whoo.
- It's tricky, isn't it? It's tricky.
She gave me a bottle with a neck like that,
and I thought, "Well, I'll wait till she brings the funnel."
No funnel came, and I thought,
"How am I supposed to hit that with me twin jets?"
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Now I don't wanna tell you too much about me down there.
Suffice to say it's not a 70s bush by any means,
but it's also not child bald.
Put it this way, there's just enough hair
to put a paedophile off.
Still made this quite tricky.
So I put it in position, I started me wee.
Wee came out of a different area.
I stopped me wee, I moved it to that area.
I started me wee again, wee came out of a third area.
It was like somebody was pouring juice through a hedge.
I felt like I was on "The Cube."
And then she said, "The next thing we need to know is
what size you are for the DVT tights?"
You know, the sort of stockings you put on
after you've had surgery.
I said, "Okay."
She came along with a variety of sizes.
She said "We'll start with a size small."
And I thought, "Oh, somebody's got time to kill."
I thought I was a large personally,
but I tried the small one and they fit.
They fit. I'm a small in hospital.
I must have had such an odd expression on my face
because she said, "Are you all right?"
And I just went, "Why aren't you a shop?"
And then she gave me the paper knickers,
you know, the paper knickers they make you wear?
My husband said, "I find them quite sexy."
I said, "Do you? why?"
He said, "I think I could rip them off."
Just so you know, if you do a fart in them,
same thing happens.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Thanks for watching.
You know what'd be great?
My brand new show, "Bobby Dazzler" is out now
and available exclusively on my website,
SarahMillican.co.uk.
Put the kettle on and settle in.