- Do you think you are more sorry
that you got caught cheating or that you cheated?
- Who said I got caught?
(both laughing)
- [Narrator] Some topics are hard to approach.
- Do you love her?
- Either the subjects are inaccessible
or people are uncomfortable discussing them?
- Sorry, I-
- I thought that we were in this.
- [Narrator] So we found those subjects in person,
rented a space in Los Angeles,
and invited our audience and strangers to come in
and ask them anything.
- Hi, my name is Vincent, I've cheated in the past
and I am here to talk about my experiences with cheating.
(eerie music)
- Hi, I'm Alyssa.
- Hi, Alyssa.
- Kind of describe your relationship.
Was it like dating? Were you engaged?
Were you married? What was the relationship?
- There've been multiple relationships where I've cheated.
One six year relationship,
one two and a half year relationship.
And some other like month long relationships
that I've cheated.
- I personally know some people that are like,
"Oh my God, like if you watch porn,
then that's like cheating."
What do you think is your definition of it?
- If watching porn is cheating
I'm gonna be cheating for the rest my life.
I think, yeah, there, I think there was a lot of ways
in which you can cheat.
I was in a space with a coworker
where I relied on that person for things
that weren't fulfilling with work
or even within my relationship.
Emotional cheating's a thing.
I think there's obviously physical cheating where I cheated
and it was purely a one night stand.
In all honesty I think that cheating should be defined
by two people in their relationship.
- Do you think you are more sorry
that you got caught cheating or that you cheated?
- Who said I got caught?
(both laugh)
- Did you never get caught?
- (laughs) I actually had to confess
that I had been cheating.
Not that I wasn't accused of it,
but I was never formally caught.
And so I was sorry about the active cheating
and I was sorry, and have been sorry, and will remain sorry
for the hurt that cheating has caused.
- And kind of 'cause I know I have been cheated on before
and I never really got to ask.
Was there something that your partner didn't satisfy
that you felt that you needed to find somewhere else?
- Yes and no. Yes and no.
I have to take responsibility
for my own actions in cheating, right?
So I brought in my own baggage into the relationship
and inability to kind of work through certain things
and inability to stop myself before I progressed
to the point of cheating, for sure.
That said with some of my relationships, not all,
I think there was a space
where I did reach out to my partners and say,
"Hey, these are the things that I'm needing."
And sometimes it's, you just have to realize that,
"Okay, what I'm asking for is not something
my partner can provide me."
What I've learned is that I should break off
the relationship before it progresses
to the point of cheating.
- Do you think most people cheat
when they're in a relationship for security reasons
and not out of love?
- Ooh. Okay.
When you say security reasons
what do you mean by security reasons?
- I mean a lot of people are in relationships
because it's their age or they should be
and the peers are in relationships
or their parents tell them to date or settle down.
So they're not really in love with the person,
but they feel secure.
Like there's somebody to come home to
or somebody to talk to.
- I think there is a bit of that.
Speaking to my own experiences,
I was in a very long term relationship.
We had come together so close.
We owned things together, home, cars, having to undo that
at that point seems like it would be more bothersome
than just staying in the relationship.
And I cheated because I was looking for something
outside of the relationship
but just didn't have the balls to end the relationship.
- So when you say that you are a cheater
do you believe once a cheater, always a cheater?
- Not once a cheater, always a cheater.
So I label myself a cheater.
Not that I'm currently cheating, because I'm not,
but I have cheated in the past.
It's been a relatively big portion
of some of my relationships,
some of my most significant relationships.
It's like alcoholism, right?
You say, okay, once you've been in alcoholic
you're always an alcoholic.
And I think that's a portion of just taking ownership.
It's more of an accountability sort of thing
to hold myself accountable.
- So if I'm piecing this together correctly
it sounds like you described your cheating as an addiction
in that you're not setting out a cheat
but you have recognized you are addicted,
so to speak to cheating?
- I would say that I'm prone to cheating
or have been prone to cheating.
- Why do you think you were prone to cheating?
- My parents were weren't together.
My parents were in multiple relationships
with different people.
I didn't see a lot of continuity
and kind of harmony in those relationships,
also growing up there weren't a lot of role models
for long term queer relationships
that I'd seen. - Hundred percent.
And I think at a certain point growing up
I thought that that wouldn't exist.
That that couldn't exist for me.
- Have you been cheated on before or?
- Yeah, I've been cheated on before.
I was cheated on after I decided not to cheat anymore.
- Oh man. That's like karma.
(men laughing)
- It is definitely karma
and that is exactly the way it felt, I was heartbroken.
These were the first relationships
that I had entered where it's like,
"I'm going to give myself to the people that I love
and not look for ways out."
And there was a bit of, I guess I felt portrayed
in so many ways because I was trying so hard
because I was actively trying to do better
and somehow felt like I was ending up
in failing relationships, it hurt a lot.
- Do you believe in true love
or soulmates or anything like that?
- Oh yeah, for sure.
- So do you think if you believe that any of these people
were like your soulmates,
that that would've prevented you from cheating?
- I feel that my partners and I have been kindred spirits-
- Yeah-
- And that we've shared the experiences
that we were supposed to share in this lifetime.
Now my forever partner in this lifetime
is how I would consider I think what you're saying,
like my soulmate.
- Yeah, like the one person you're meant to be with.
- The one person, my forever person.
- I'm a hopeless romantic.
- So am I actually. (both laugh)
- I think, yeah they exist in they're out there.
- How long did you feel
if there was even a time the guilt lasted
or do you feel you're at a point
where you've come to terms with it and you're like,
"You know what? It was what it was.
I'm okay with myself. I've forgiven myself."
Or do you think there's a little bit of guilt
that's kind of gonna be with you for a long time
if not forever?
- Dude, people cheat.
Like I'm not the only person to cheat.
I'm not the only person in this room (indistinct)-
- I'm a saint, I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm a good boy.
A beautiful, good boy. (man laughing)
- So like socially, I feel like cheating is something
it's super taboo and we don't talk about enough,
but a lot of us engage in.
Despite the facts that I cheated doesn't mean
that I didn't love the people
that I was in a relationship with.
And so I feel guilty about how my behavior,
my actions affect or have affected other people.
- At what point in a relationship do you reveal
that you've cheated?
- Immediately. Yeah?
- Yeah. For sure.
- Like first date talk or?
- For sure. Really?
- For sure.
- How does that make you feel? Is that uncomfortable or?
- Not at all, because my forever partner
is going to understand it
and there's nothing for me to lie about or to keep hidden.
- Do you see yourself doing it again?
- I'm confident that I'm far or less likely to cheat.
I don't ever wanna say that I'm never going to cheat again
because I obviously have shown a propensity for cheating.
I think because of that, I'm more likely to talk
into and blue in the face to my partner
about ways to to save our relationship or go forward
with just ending the relationship
before it has to come
to either of us cheating on one another.
I may cheat, I may cheat, but I don't have any plans on it.
And I'd love to have a situation
where I'm not cheating on my partner.
- Well, thank you. I like the honesty.
That was yeah.
- Thank you brother, I appreciate yours too.
(indistinct) (men laughing)
Hi guys. Thanks for watching.
I hope that you learned something.
- These are very difficult conversations
that we're having in this series
but we're not necessarily all strangers to them.
If you've ever been cheated on or you've cheated on someone
leave a comment below.
As always guys make sure to subscribe, like this video,
follow us on Instagram and we'll see you next time.
- Bye.
(mellow music)