When I
was a kid, we had heroes you could relate to.
Pete and Pete.
Ren and Stimpy.
Budnick and Donkey Lips.
Freaking Zack and Cody.
From what I can tell, this is a show about two rich brats who are so spoiled, they cannot
conceive of not being given a 4 o' clock snack.
It's, like...they can't even comprehend why they might not get to have ice cream in the
pool every day.
And these are the good guys!
These are the heroes!
It's The Suite Life of Zack and Cody: Tipton Caper. Little f*cking brats.
Anyway, it's not like I had anything else to think about, so while I was playing this,
I tried to figure out...what this is.
And the obvious answer was, "Well, this is Zelda for little kids."
Which seemed to make sense, but...then I remembered how old I was when I played Zelda.
I was, like...eight years old.
And I mean, I don't know much about kids, but...
I'm pretty sure eight qualifies as "little."
You can still pee in the kiddie pool at eight, and everyone just laughs it off.
Do it now, and someone calls the cops.
Which is bogus.
So the
bottom line is...if you're a parent, and you're thinking about buying this for your kid...I'm
not here to tell you what to do.
But if you don't want to waste your money, and you don't want to be a sh*tty parent...just
buy a Zelda game instead.
It's the same thing, only way better.
And in ten years, your kid will still like it.
So you won't have to resell it at a yard sale for 50 cents.
Then some other sh*tty parent buys it...it's just a whole cycle of sh*ttiness.
And it starts with The Suite Life of Zack and Cody: Tipton Caper.
Although, to be fair, I mean...it's not like this is a terrible game.
You play as Zack and Cody as they literally break out of their rooms to disobey their
mom's direct orders and go eat ice cream anyway.
So adorable.
Anyway, the gameplay basically is Zelda in a sippy cup.
It's a top-down adventure in which you explore rooms, collect items, solve puzzles and push
blocks.
Add some fairies, and this is basically Four Swords.
Well, Two Swords.
Or actually, no swords—there's no freaking swords.
Now, the game's central mechanic...is that the boys are twins.
Which, again, don't know much about kids, but...that means there's two of them.
And you actually have two switch between the two in order to solve the puzzles.
So you might have to climb a bookcase with one of them, to open a path for the other
one, who then can then press a switch in the new room.
And actually, each of boy has his own abilities, too.
One of them has a vacuum cleaner, a la Luigi's Mansion, the other one can throw water balloons...and
those skills play a huge role in the game's puzzles.
Which is actually kind of clever for a kid's game.
There's also a bit of stealth in some of the levels, which is kind of cool.
Some rooms are protected by guard dogs, for some reason...so you have to walk without
them seeing you.
Same goes for hotel security, and things like that.
So between that, and playing as two characters, each with a couple different skills...
I mean, again, for a kid's game?
It's really not that bad.
Of course, it's not that good, either.
And that's the thing.
It's, like...this is like Zelda, but only a fraction of Zelda.
So it gets repetitive really quickly.
I mean, most of the game is just pushing the switches, finding the keys...I mean, that's
part of what makes Zelda fun, but that's all.
And let's not kid ourselves, either.
Zelda does this stuff way better than Zack and Cody.
Especially the presentation.
I mean, the game looks okay...but the music is just awful.
I was tired of this music after two minutes.
And frankly, the gameplay didn't last that much longer.
You know, part of me wants to be fair here, and tell you that...for a kid's game, this
isn't the worst.
It really isn't.
It's a perfectly functional Zelda clone that plays and looks just fine.
And for fans of the show, you can even collect photos hidden in the levels, which unlock
pictures from the show.
So that's cool, I guess.
But the thing is...if you're gonna play this game, there's no reason not to play Zelda
instead.
Why not play the real thing?
As opposed to the boring ripoff?
That's The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
It's just Zelda: The Boring Ripoff Edition, For Little Kids With Sh*tty Parents.
That title might not have worked, though.