[ All cheering, chanting indistinctly ]
First of all, thank y'all for being here.
Now, it's not like y'all had a choice or nothing.
[ Laughter ]
What you was going to do, sit in your cell or come to a show?
You know, it's free. You already paid the cost to be here.
This -- Don't -- [ Laughter ]
Man, this is my 20th year of being out of the penitentiary.
Man, I got arrested 20 years ago.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I actually came from exactly where you sitting now
to where I'm standing now in 20 years.
It took me that long with patience.
I went to jail not too long ago.
It's crazy. I've been out 20 years
and went to jail on the way to take my son to school.
You can get caught with 4 ounces of marijuana,
it's a ticket, Class B. I read it. Verbatim.
Read every sentence of that shit.
I know it. It is a ticket, ticket, Class B, ticket.
So, I get pulled over, and the man said,
"Can you tell me why is a strong aroma of marijuana
coming from your truck?"
And I said -- I'm being very cavalier
'cause I know the law.
I said, "Um, I don't know about strong, but...
[ Laughter ]
But it's right there in that little ashtray right there."
And he's like, "Can you step out of the car?"
I'm like, "No. Can you write me a ticket
so I can go about my way? I'm taking my son to school."
Man, you know, this man,
he done call so many people over half a blunt,
it look like they done busted El Chapo.
[ Laughter ]
So, boom, I'm in the back. The man taking me to jail.
I get to jail, and I'm very, very cavalier,
because I'm the spokesperson for a bonding company.
Yeah. Yeah. I got a bonding company on deck.
And the commercial says, "Midtown Bail Bond.
If you got to jail, we'll get you out."
So how the hell they gon' leave me in there?
I'm the spokesperson. [ Laughter ]
Your goddamn spokesperson can't be walking through jail.
"Ain't you the spokesperson?" "Nope. They fired me."
It's crazy.
Clearly, I'm not going to be here long at all.
And the officer said,
"In order to get a bond, you got to see the judge."
I said, "Well, shit, where the judge at? Let's get it popping."
He said, "I'm-a see about you seeing a judge, but right now,
we need to put you in this holding cell."
And when I'm about to walk in the holding cell,
the man told me, "Hey, let me get them shoes."
I say, "What you need my shoes for?"
He said, "'Cause we can't have you killing yourself
while you in this cell."
I said, "Brother, let me explain something to you.
Y'all busted me for a half a blunt.
You should be embarrassed.
And I am embarrassed for somebody
who got busted the first time with 5 kilos of coke.
Now you got me here on a goddamn half a blunt?
I'm ashamed of me and you." [ Laughter ]
Hey. What's happening?
-So, really. -Can I get up here?
You know, out of respect, where you want me to sit?
I don't want to be on your pillow.
I mean, this is hers.
-Whose bunk? -Help yourself.
Jail boos, I don't want to be disrespectful.
[ Laughter ] Has anybody in here ever been to prison?
I've been. Went TDC plus treatment.
What grabbed me really about your act tonight
was the fact that you said, even after 20 years,
you found yourself back in that same situation.
Well, after 20-plus years,
I found myself in the same situation, which is right here.
Um, I graduated from that program,
went to college, got a degree, went back
and worked at the same facility in which I was an inmate, so...
-Get out of Dodge. -And once again, here I am.
Like I used to tell my clients, it's a matter of timing
and circumstances, basically, is what it is,
timing, circumstances, and your choices.
How you feel your body holding up here?
This is not a -- It's not a lot. It's not a lot of cushion.
I feel every crook, every cranny.
[ Laughter ]
Man, when I was in that cell,
my body has not recovered from that one night in jail.
Everything hurt. Back hurt.
And I'm a pretty fit athlete, you know, 'cause when --
You know, me, I try to stay fit.
You know, I play in the over-40 basketball league, you know?
I was MVP 2 years in a row. Yeah, 41 and 42.
[ Laughter ] I got cocky.
I took my MVP game down to the gym,
the real gym where young boys play,
'cause when you in the over-40 league, you know, it's easy.
It's easy. You quick. You out there doing your thing.
And people over 40 got respect. When somebody hit a shot on you,
they just run down the court, and they look at you.
"That's it. Boy, gotcha." That's it.
Young boys are disrespectful. They disrespectful at that gym.
So, I'm down. I'm at the gym, and I got my situation down.
You know what I'm saying?
My defense is tight on this young boy.
I'm right here with it.
Man, this little young boy crossed me
over so fast that I -- Let me tell you something.
I know y'all know what a crossover is.
I know you know what a crossover is,
when somebody go this way
and then cut back this way real fast with the ball.
The man crossed me over so fast
that I just went to the water fountain.
[ Laughter ] I had to ask other people.
I said, "Did you see him? Did you see him?"
The dude say, um, "Man, you just got AI'd."
I said, "AI'd? What the hell is AI'd?"
This dude say, "Hey, man,
remember when Allen Iverson crossed over Jordan?"
I said, "Yeah." He said, "Yeah. That's AI'd."
I said, "I'd be damned you gon' cross me over
and give me a nickname out here. I be goddamned."
And, see, the young boy disrespectful, man.
He disrespectful. I'm running down the court.
He's next to me. "Yeah, boy. Yeah.
You just got AI'd, boy."
So, people don't remember the very next play, very next play.
Jordan came down, hit a long-range jumper
in Allen Iverson's face, very next play.
I say, "Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
That's what I'm going to do. Ball up.
Ball up. Ball up. Ball up." Ran up on the young boy.
Unh. Long-range jumper. Shot the ball. Hit the jumper.
Back went out. [ Laughter ]
Man, I'm going out the damn gym in a stretcher.
[ Laughter ] "Wait. Oh --"
When they about to wheel me out, I say, "Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
My son's in the daycare. My son's in the daycare."
So they had to go to the daycare and find my son.
And my son -- I can't help them
'cause I'm on the stretcher already.
So the paramedics just picking up random black kids,
showing them to me.
"This your baby right here? This your --
What about this one? This yours? This yours right here?"
And I know it took 20 minutes,
'cause my son ain't going to let nobody just grab him.
This boy go running, sliding, fighting them.
So they finally get my son, finally get my son,
put my son on my chest.
Now I'm getting rolled out of the gym like a goddamn
NFL player.
[ Laughter ]
You know, when you go out a gym on a stretcher... ...you know
you can never go back to that gym again?
Do you know that?
Six months later, man, I walked in that gym,
and the dude is like, "Ooh, there goes stretcher man."
I said, "I'm not no goddamn stretcher man." [ Laughter ]