Squid Game’s get-rich-or-die-trying premise is brutal. And today,
we’re bringing that premise down to the place it makes the most sense: the Underworld, baby.
Which members of Hazbin Hotel’s ensemble cast
would compete valiantly in the rounds of Squid Game? I’m Kifinosi with WickedBinge,
and today we’re deciding Which Hazbin Hotel Character Would Win Squid Game.
Some extra ground rules for this competition. We will allow the characters to use their powers,
but with 2 stipulations: Players are not allowed to
attack each other unless the game (or event) specifically permits them to do so. And…
Players will not be allowed to use powers that make them invincible for any given
round–most notably, no levitation in the Glass Stepping Stones challenge.
Today’s competitors are Charlie, Alastor, Vaggie, Angel Dust, Husk, Niffty,
Sir Pentious, Frank, Cherri Bomb, Lucifer, Velvette, Vox, Valentino, Carmilla, Zestial,
Razzle, Dazzle, Katie Killjoy, Tom Trench, Adam, Lute, Sera, Emily, Mimzy, and Rosie.
We’re sparing Fat Nuggets and KeeKee due to them being the least powerful and intelligent
of the pets we’ve seen so far…and we simply don’t have the heart to do them like that.
Without further ado, it’s an especially dangerous
day in Hell. Time to get started with the first game: RED LIGHT, GREEN LIGHT.
“Red Light, Green Light” is a game that’s all about speed and sharp
listening skills. The goal is to make it to the finish line as fast as you can. However,
if a player is too focused on the finish line to realize when a ‘red light’ is coming up,
or if they easily panic and accidentally move or stumble when they’re supposed to freeze,
this game could spell their doom…or a sequel to it, in most of these guys’ cases.
Speed, stamina, and stability are key here–which means Angel Dust is gonna be
just fine. He’s got strong senses and incredible flexibility, which will make getting to the finish
line safe and sound relatively easy for this self-proclaimed celebrity.
Sir Pentious and Frank would thrive here as well. Although Frank, like the other Egg Bois, is the
furthest thing from stable or intelligent, Sir Pentious has a power that would help quite a bit:
Hypnosis. While he only uses it once, in Episode 2, it was shown to briefly stun Angel Dust in
self-defense. With this power, Sir Pentious would be able to keep his buddy from losing early;
as for Sir Pentious himself, is a snake–so he’s able to move smoothly. Let’s not forget
how quickly he reached his airship in the finale to try and save his friends, after all.
Lastly, Razzle and Dazzle are Charlie’s royal steeds for a reason– we wouldn’t be
surprised if they crossed the finish line before the first Red Light.
But while most of the group won’t struggle too much, there are a few losers, baby this round.
Tom Trench is the first to go. Let’s be real–this guy can’t catch a break
no matter the situation. If he’s not having scalding-hot coffee poured onto
his crotch by Katie, he’s getting shoved away from the camera…also by Katie.
But all you Tom Trench fans(all, like, 3 of you) can rejoice in Katie Killjoy’s early
elimination. We can’t imagine Katie ignoring Tom during the competition, given how much
she enjoys bullying him on-camera. But while this might lead to her getting Tom out early,
it’d also lead to some delays for her–and perhaps even some payback from Tom. Even if
she doesn’t get killed by a Red Light, though, the time limit would probably catch up with her.
The last loser of this round is Mimzy. Being a total attention hog who gets herself into constant
trouble with dangerous criminals, it’s not much of a stretch to imagine that Mimzy would assume the
rules of this game wouldn’t apply to her. Sorry, Mimzy, but Alastor can’t help you this time.
22 out of our original 25 competitors remain–and
now it’s time for our next game: “Ppopgi”, or Honeycomb.
The Honeycomb game requires patience and a steady hand to cut out a shape from a
fragile(but tasty) cookie. Too much shaking or pressure could cause a fatal break. As such,
these citizens of the afterlife will need to have enough focus and
precision to poke out their shape without accidentally breaking it.
Zestial won’t have any problems with this simple game. This Overlord has been around for centuries,
much longer than anyone else we’ve met in Hell so far. His extensive experience has
given him an unmatched composure, so carefully cutting out a cookie won’t be an issue for him.
Given her enthusiasm with knives, Niffty is also a shoo-in. Her rambunctious personality
might be an obstacle to overcome here, but we doubt Niffty will fail this round–she’s
been shown to follow instructions pretty well when she’s on the clock.
Finally, Lucifer is another character who’s good with small tools–if his prowess at making
rubber ducks is any implication, that is. This will be child’s play for him.
There are some unfortunate losses this round, though.
Razzle and Dazzle sadly depart here. Having the intelligence of your typical pet, it’s honestly
pretty likely that they’d eat the cookies before the round even started. Unfortunately,
even if they resist the urge, their lack of opposable thumbs would make
this challenge nearly impossible. If it makes you feel any better,
just imagine how easily they’d be able to fly away upon disqualification.
Frank, you were too good for this world. He may have opposable thumbs,
but…well, the Egg Bois aren’t exactly known for their precision or tact.
But if these second-round eliminations are getting too sad, rest easy–Valentino is also
out. Val tends to throw temper-tantrums whenever he doesn’t get his way,
and he really doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to do anything practical by himself. You’re free,
Angel…that is, if you survive five more rounds. Good luck, pal.
That’s four more down and 18 left to go! Following the Honeycomb game,
it’s time to let Hell’s chaotic nature shine in “The Midnight Brawl”.
Lack of food and sleep plus the stress of staying alive(or…undead? Staying whatever they are) can
drive any person to the point of violence. In this game, it’s every player for themself. To survive
this game, a person must be either strong enough to fight or clever and sneaky enough to hide.
Let’s start with the valiant fighters. Carmilla will stop at nothing to protect
herself and the people she cares for. With the help of Zestial,
it’s unlikely that anyone would dare to mess with them…except maybe Adam and Lute–but the
latter would surely talk some sense into him, and they can hold their own.
Vaggie’s training with Carmilla will help her survive and thrive in this round. And finally,
the explosive Cherri Bomb will be more than capable of defending herself.
As for stealthy players, Niffty’s small stature would make her difficult to
find–and her habit of sneaking up on people could come in handy, too.
There are some eliminations this round, though…and some of them are pretty rough.
Velvette is admittedly the least sympathetic of them–there’s simply no doubt that her attitude
would’ve made her some enemies by now, and since she doesn’t seem as physically
powerful as many of the other characters, our bets are on her to be the first taken out.
Emily, to put it bluntly, would never be able to bring herself to hurt somebody.
Her emotions would be absolutely fried at this point, so this elimination is almost
merciful–and would more than likely come from a sacrificial attempt to protect someone else.
Speaking of which, Sir Pentious also goes this round. While his skill set would make him a
valiant fighter, he’s among the least likely to be willing to actively harm someone else after
his time at the Hotel. Given how he won’t hesitate to attack to protect his friends, and how quickly
Adam vaporized him, our favorite rehabilitated reptile isn’t making it past the Brawl.
And while this might cause a riot in the comments section, our final elimination in this round is
Charlie. Seeing the main character go before we’re even halfway through the competition is rough,
but the fact is that out of all the remaining characters, Charlie is the one who most falls
into the category of a peacekeeper. Sure, she’s willing to fight when there’s no other option–but
her general naivete and good nature would probably result in her trying to convince
the other competitors to stop fighting…which, in the setting of Squid Game, just wouldn’t work.
Reaching the middle of the games, it’s time for another strength-based round - “Tug of War”.
Unlike the actual “Squid Game”, we aren’t going to assign characters to specific teams. Instead,
we’re simply going to judge them based on their abilities and likelihood to survive.
To win “Tug of War”, you don’t just need strength. You also need strategy,
and a willingness to work with others. Even weaker players have a shot at
surviving if they can coordinate properly with stronger players.
Everyone’s favorite mighty Radio Demon won’t have a problem here. What Alastor lacks in
physical strength(which isn’t much) he makes up for with his suave nature and persuasion.
He’s got Husk and Niffty on his side already, so there’s no shot that he’ll be low on allies.
Husk and Niffty are safe, too, by extension. In fact…just about everyone this round is a pretty
strong competitor, huh? There are a few characters from Heaven who could team up with immense power,
but they’d be just about evened out by the strength of the many residents of Hell
remaining–especially with the likes of heavy hitters like Zestial, Lucifer, and Carmilla.
There’s just one we can honestly say we see being eliminated this round, and that’s Vox. As much as
we’d love to have him compete longer, Vox is shown to have very little skill in cooperation
with anyone outside of the Vees–who, aside from him, have already been eliminated. And
let’s face it–no matter the odds, Vox would rather die than team up with Alastor now.
We’ve finished off “Tug of War” with an unlucky number of 13 VERY lucky contestants remaining. Up
next, we have “The Marble Game”. Marbles is an interesting one,
at least in the context of “Squid Game”. There are multiple ways for pairs of players
to play their marble game. They could focus on accuracy or how far they can roll their marble,
or they can simply guess how many marbles are in their opponent’s hand. As such,
there are multiple ways to win, with most of these ways relying on either skill or luck. Of course,
if you don’t have the skills to win, there’s always manipulation…
Also, like with the tug of war game, we won’t be focusing on pairing certain characters off
into teams. Instead, we’ll just consider which characters have the overall best skill sets,
and which ones are more likely to fall behind.
Alastor is once again a great competitor for this game,
given how he seems to usually be three steps ahead of his opponents...and even his allies,
to an extent. We’re sure he’d come up with a game he’d get an easy win from.
Husk knows how to gamble–and how to swindle, when the situation calls for it. And we
imagine he’d be smart enough to team up with someone other than Alastor this time around,
so we’re going to give him our blessing to move on.
Vaggie is also a standout in this round. While no doubt reeling from Charlie’s departure,
Vaggie has always been portrayed as the more skeptical of the two–and
she’s deceptive when the situation calls for it. It wouldn’t be easy for
her to get tricked–but she could definitely trick someone else.
Now, since this is the Marbles round, we need to eliminate about half of the
remaining competitors–and since it’s an uneven number, we’ll settle for 6 this time around.
First up, we have Sera. This might be a surprise, but at this point, Sera is the only character
remaining–aside from Adam–who’s a Heaven-dweller. While she’s been shown to hide tough decisions
from her people, she doesn’t seem like the type who would be willing to cheat her way into a
win–and given the more shady, dishonest characters surrounding her, that makes her a prime target.
Niffty is the next to go. She’s been lucky enough to make it pretty darn far, but we have a feeling
she’ll be the one taking this game the least seriously. We could totally see her teaming up
with Husk and Alastor, then immediately getting distracted by a dead cockroach in the corner.
For all his skills, Adam’s larger-than-afterlife
ego would make him a prime target for the swindling tendencies of characters
like Husk or Alastor. As a result, this is where man falls once again.
For our last three eliminations this round, there’s Cherri Bomb, Angel Dust, and Rosie. We’re
mentioning them all together because we don’t really have one specific reason why they’re being
eliminated–the other characters are simply either more skillful, intelligent, or manipulative.
We’re down to our final seven- and just in time for one of this competition’s
deadliest games: “Glass Stepping Stones”. This game is another tricky one for a
hypothetical scenario, as much of this game relies on luck. There is ONE strategy to it,
however, that being the advantage of going last - after some glass pieces have already
been broken. As such, those who have a big enough ego to want to try it first will seal their doom.
Lucifer is the most egotistical of the most remaining cast members, which will spell his
doom here. It’s a shame, really–if it weren’t for our “no flying/rigging the games” rule,
he’d probably win the whole thing. But if it’s any comfort, he’d probably go out stylishly.
But if anyone might insist on going even sooner, it’s Lute. In her case,
the loss isn’t due to ego or even lack of judgment; rather, it’s because Lute,
by this point, is likely fed up. There’s no doubt that she’s ready to be done with this game now,
especially being fresh from losing her buddy Adam…again. Poor Lute.
Speaking of which–Vaggie unfortunately won’t make it any further. Intelligence aside, Vaggie
is a prime target for Lute–one of the fiercest competitors remaining. She’d surely understand
that the game is more important, but Lute’s hostility would definitely be a distraction.
While he’s a lot more cautious, Husk is also done for here. Being
that his soul is owned by Alastor, it’s not unlikely that the good old
Radio Demon would send him ahead to check and see if everything’s on the up-and-up.
Speak of the Radio-Devil, Alastor just barely misses out of the top two. This
may be controversial, but of the three non-eliminated competitors at this point,
Alastor is easily the most unstable of the bunch. It’s possible he could
overthink his next move in a desperate bid to survive–and we could only see
that manifest in him either choosing to go first to have better chances,
or going around the middle so as to remain neutral. In any case, he loses out to two more
coolheaded Overlords–who have a deep camaraderie to boot. Which will make for a tough finale…
Today’s gut-wrenching final battle is between dear friends: Carmilla versus Zestial. And just
like in the show, our final challenge will be a one-on-one duel in the titular Squid Game.
In this game, two opponents must go up against one another,
with one acting as a defender and the other as an attacker, with the attacker doing everything
they can to reach the top of the court (or the squid’s ‘head’) and touch it with their foot,
with the defender doing whatever they can to stop them. Or at least, that’s how Squid
Game is traditionally played. Here though, it’s more of a ‘battle to the death’ type of deal.
With Zestial and Carmilla being as close as they are, we feel that they’d make it to the
finale with good cooperation skills and, in the previous game, an agreement to stay behind to keep
relatively safe. Pitting them against each other is a pretty cruel move(we really are sorry about
that, by the way), and it would surely cause some anguish in both of them. But they’ll understand
that it’s everyone for themselves at this point–which leads into each character’s skills.
Carmilla is by far the character we’ve seen more of, and she has a plethora of
skills and powers. From a huge arsenal of Angelic weapons and proficiency at
using them to excellent fighting skills even down to incredible dance moves,
she’s sure to put up a fight like no other. She also has a family back home–two daughters
she loves more than anything, and would stop at nothing to protect.
But then we have to consider Zestial, who–despite his minimal screen time–is known to be the oldest
Overlord. It’s reasonable to assume that he’s got just as many powers and talents as Carmilla,
if not more so. We’ve also seen that he can conjure objects out of thin air, which would
no doubt be helpful. It’s reasonable to assume that Zestial COULD win this…if he wanted to.
Here’s how we see it; Zestial worked with Carmilla, being willing to use his powers,
intellect, and even a bit of treachery to get this far. He could deceive Carmilla,
or maybe even best her in combat. But being the caring friend he is, knowing Zestial,
it was more to ensure that his friend–and by extension, her daughters–would be kept safe.
So while the audience waits for a fight, they and Carmilla will be amazed at the sight of Zestial
surrendering so that his friend can live alongside her daughters another day. Carmilla is the Winner
of Hazbin Hotel’s Squid Game...now somebody pass me those tissues, for unrelated reasons.