Transcriber: Anna Sobota Reviewer: Keira White
I was supposed to be dead right now.
At least according to the statistcs and what I was told.
Almost on this day, two years ago,
when I was sitting in a doctor’s office at Karolinska Hospital,
just a few minutes away from here,
a day that changed my life forever.
This was me.
I was living my best life at that time,
I had plans on starting my own family,
I had a blooming career, working within health and fitness,
a job that I loved,
and I had also started another business on the side of my regular job,
and I felt motivated to keep building and improving that year.
Life was finally falling into place.
I also coached group training at least 10 hours a week,
late nights, early mornings,
and I went to the gym every day as well for my own training.
As you can imagine, my life was going on at full speed,
and I had no plans to slow down or pause.
I loved the intensity and drive, and I felt strong, healthy, happy.
I felt like nothing could stop me.
I felt immortal.
But little did I know that life had a different plan for me.
Even though I was living a great life,
I came to realize I was, however, rarely present in the moment.
I was always on the go, almost always stressed,
always thriving to get better, to achieve new goals,
always planned ahead.
I was never really satisfied with the now,
and I did put a lot of my own self-worth into my achievements,
in all different parts of life.
For me, life was a constant race
and I expected myself to win,
and excel at everything that I did.
During this high on life period,
I had been dealing with an annoying cough
for about a year.
But apart from the cough, I felt great,
so I didn’t think much of it.
I thought it could be some kind of inflammation on my vocal cords
because steaming my voice a lot leading group training,
pushing people to their maximum
or some kind of asthma or similar.
But my cough got worse and my family urged me to check it out.
So for six months
I went through a series of different challenging examinations
to find out what was causing it.
PET scans, spirometry, gastrocospy to name a few.
And finally, I got a letter home from the hospital saying
that I had a doctor’s appointment.
So at last I was about to get some clarity on what was going on in my lungs,
and this was March 2020.
I still remember this day as if it was yesterday.
I was sitting in a cold and bright doctor’s office at Karolinska,
and I remember feeling quite calm and relaxed despite being there
because I felt strong,
I felt healthy.
So, I mean, how serious could it be?
My family was not allowed at the hospital that time because of the pandemic
so it was just me and my doctor in that room,
and I still remember the exact words that came out of his mouth:
“We found a huge tumour of 20 centimetres in your right lung,
and you’re going to have to go through a major surgery to remove the tumor,
but also to remove the majority of your lung.”
Time froze.
The Earth just stood still in that moment.
I had trouble taking in what he had just said.
But that wasn’t all of it,
he also told me that I had lung cancer,
in fact, incurable lung cancer,
a metastatic lung cancer that had already spread to the other lung
and that there was nothing they could do
to cure or save my life.
He told me my prognosis was bad and according to statistics,
we didn’t even know if I would make it through that year.
I was in shock.
I could barely think,
breathe or even react.
After a while, my doctors words sank in
and I was devastated.
I couldn’t stop crying, and I remember crying so hard.
My doctor tried to calm me down, I could barely breathe.
Just the thought of my limited expected time on Earth
was just unbearable to handle.
Was this it?
Was this all I have got?
I mean, I wasn’t finished living.
It felt like my life had just begun.
Later that afternoon, I had to pick up the phone from the hospital
to call my family, and tell them the same news,
and that was probably one of the hardest things that I ever had to do.
And I was enrolled
as a palliative care patient that day,
which means life prolonging treatment in the final stages of life.
I was a former elite athlete in excellent physical shape,
never smoked a cigarette in my life,
and I was 32 years old.
After breaking down crying for days, weeks,
some days, not even making it out of bed,
I made a decision for myself.
I could either continue on this dark and hopeless road
leading to my inevitable death
or I could choose to live with less fear and darkness,
and more love and light,
while I was still here.
I chose the latter.
So once I made that decision, I started the biggest journey of my life,
and it has been the most difficult and challenging year
that I ever had to go through.
But at the same time,
the best years that I ever had.
And I’ve been through so many changes physically,
but above all, mentally.
So from that day, I started what I call my healing journey,
and I started working on my inner self.
I continued to work on my fitness;
I went to the gym 4 to 5 times a week,
focusing on heavy lifting,
and I kept a strict and healthy diet:
no sugar, junk food, processed food, red meat, alcohol,
and I had tons of vegetables every day
and broccoli and zucchini with turmeric became two of my favorite foods.
Through meditation and great tools from a spiritual coach,
but most of all, through my strong will to live,
I started to change on the inside.
I started focusing on possibilities instead of obstacles.
I found ways to turn my fears into strengths,
and I learned how I could be the creator of my own life
instead of being the victim of a disease.
My bad days turned to good,
and later on, great.
I learned to rest in my wholeness,
and to be okay with what life had thrown at me.
And I learned how to be present in the moment,
how to be thankful for every day.
And I learned to love myself,
fully,
without having to perform or achieve.
And I came to realize that the only way
one can fully succeed in life
is to live it to the fullest.
And that the biggest misconception people have is that we have time.
When all we ever had or will have is now,
this moment,
right here,
and realizing how to be here,
present in all parts of life,
that’s how you really win.
No one can control what happens in life,
what challenges we might face or for how long we will live,
no matter how detailed our plan is,
but we can always choose how we relate to those challenges.
I would like you to ask yourselves this:
How do you live your life today?
Would you change anything
if you found out that you had just a few more months to live?
If the answer is yes,
what are you waiting for?
There’s rarely a good time or the right time
to make big changes in life.
For what we all know that day may never come.
So go out and live
with your heart full of love, gratitude and peace.
Tell your children you love them every day.
Be nice to yourself
and dare to love yourself
and dare to choose the life that you want to live
and work towards that.
As of this day,
I tried everything there is when it comes to chemotherapy,
and at the moment I am enrolled in my second phase 1 trial at Karolinska,
and I’ve been given, what they call a cancer vaccine for the last 8 months.
And what I’ve come to realize is that
even though it still says “incurable lung cancer” in my journal,
I’m not afraid anymore.
My love for life is so much stronger than my fear of dying.
I’m not struggling,
fighting,
surviving.
I’m alive.
Living.
And to be totally frank, I don’t know
what my medical treatment will look like going forward.
I don’t know for how long I will live.
I don’t know if it’s one year, 10 years, 50 years,
but then again, none of us do.
I was supposed to be dead right now.
But I’m not.
I am 100% alive.
I’m standing here in front of you,
my heart is beating fast from the nervousness and adrenaline,
my one lung is breathing.
I can laugh, love,
and I get to experience every sensation in this amazing thing called life.
I get to experience this moment with you.
Right here.
Right now.
And the important thing is not for how long I, or you, will live,
the important thing is how we choose to live our lives,
while we are still here.
So I will leave you with this:
Don’t wait any more,
not for a second.
The time is now,
so go out and live it.
Thank you.
(Applause)