WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE BACK-- WE ARE BACK-- WE'RE BACK AND EXCITED.
WE'RE BACK FROM THANKSGIVING BREAK.
I'M MORE PIE THAN MAN AT THIS POINT.
I'VE HAD SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR.
BUT TONIGHT I'M ESPECIALLY GRATEFUL FOR THELATEST
INSTALLMENT OF "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> ADAM SCHIFF IS A DERANGED HUMAN BEING.
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE
RELEASED A 300-PAGE REPORT, AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE IMPEACHMENT
CHARGES ARE GOING TO BE "ABUSE OF POWER AND BRIBERY,
OBSTRUCTION OF CONGRESS, AND OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE."
AND BASED ON HIS DIET, LET'S THROW IN OBSTRUCTION OF HIS G.I.
TRACT.
( LAUGHTER )
COMMITTEE REPORT SAYS THAT BY PRESSURING UKRAINE, TRUMP
"PLACED HIS OWN PERSONAL AND POLITICAL INTERESTS ABOVE THE
NATIONAL INTERESTS OF THE UNITED STATES."
AND RIGHT NOW, WE ALL KNOW THAT THE NATIONAL INTEREST OF THE
UNITED STATES IS CLEARLY BABY YODA MEMES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE REPORT ADDS, "THE FOUNDING FATHERS PRESCRIBED A REMEDY
FOR A CHIEF EXECUTIVE WHO PLACES HIS PERSONAL INTERESTS ABOVE
THOSE OF THE COUNTRY: IMPEACHMENT."
YES, THE FOUNDERS AGREED THE PRESIDENTIAL PUNISHMENT SHOULD
BE IMPEACHMENT, AFTER REJECTING BEN FRANKLIN'S
ORIGINAL SUGGESTION: "A SPANKING MACHINE OF FRENCH WHORES."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, WOW!
THAT'S WHAT HE REALLY SAID >> Stephen: BASED ON A TRUE
STORY.
NOW, TODAY, THE INQUIRY MOVED OVER TO THE HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE, WHERE CONGRESS HEARD FROM FOUR CONSTITUTIONAL LAW
SCHOLARS.
U.N.C. PROFESSOR MICHAEL GERHARDT SAID THIS SORT OF THING
WAS EXACTLY WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE WORRIED ABOUT.
>> IF WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS NOT IMPEACHABLE, THEN
NOTHING IS IMPEACHABLE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THANK GOD, 'CAUSE I CAN'T WAIT
TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I'VE DONE.
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT, ALL RIGHT.
THIS WILL WHET YOUR APPETITE: IT INVOLVES SHARK WEEK, A
WEED-WHACKER, AND ALL THE LEFT-HANDED PEOPLE OF DENMARK."
BEFORE THE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE RELEASED THEIR REPORT,
THE G.O.P. ISSUED THEIR OWN PRE-BUTTAL, IN WHICH THEY
CONCLUDED THAT TRUMP WAS ACTING ON REASONABLE SKEPTICISM OF
UKRAINE.
YES, BECAUSE THE TWO WORDS EVERYONE USES TO DESCRIBE TRUMP
IS "GENUINE" AND "REASONABLE."
RIGHT AFTER "ATHLETIC" AND MONOGAMOUS."
I'M REALLY SURPRISED.
I REALLY LIKE IT.
I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
HERE'S THE THING: THEIR ARGUMENT IS BASED ON THE CLAIM THAT
UKRAINE, NOT RUSSIA, HACKED THE D.N.C. SERVER, AN IDEA
THAT'S BEEN COMPLETELY DEBUNKED AS A RUSSIAN-FUELED
CONSPIRACY THEORY.
SO NOW REPUBLICANS ARE ALSO FLOATING THE RUMOR THAT IT WAS
UKRAINE WHO KILLED APOLLO CREED, AND DID THE FYRE
FESTIVAL.
( LAUGHTER )
MEDDLED IN THE 2016 ELECTION, THE PROPER ORGANIZATION TO
INVESTIGATE THAT IS NOT RUDY GIULIANI.
THERE IS A REASON WHY THE CBS SHOW "FBI" IS NOT CALLED
"MY DRUNKEN PERSONAL ATTORNEY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE PHOTO!
THAT'S THE ONE.
>> Jon: HE HAD A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH!
>> Stephen: BEFORE THEIR INVESTIGATION ENDED, THE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE HAD ONE FINAL BOMBSHELL: THEIR
INVESTIGATORS HAVE "OBTAINED PHONE RECORDS FROM TRUMP'S
PERSONAL ATTORNEY, RUDY GIULIANI."
OH, HELL, YES!
FINALLY, WE'LL HAVE DOCUMENTED PROOF OF ALL OF GIULIANI'S BUTT
DIALS.
AND MAKE NO MISTAKE-- RUDY'S BOOTY WAS BUSY.
"OVER THE COURSE OF 58 CALLS ON SIX DAYS, RUDY SPENT NEARLY TWO
HOURS SPEAKING WITH FIGURES CENTRAL TO THE IMPEACHMENT
INQUIRY."
RUDY, COME ON!
YOU'RE A FORMER PROSECUTOR.
YOU DON'T DO CRIME ON THE PHONE.
YOU'LL GET CAUGHT.
AND PHONE CALLS MAKE YOU SOUND SO OLD.
GET WITH IT.
THE KIDS TODAY ARE DOING ALL THEIR CRIME ON TIKTOK.
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYBODY, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE SPOKE WITH
NO INDIVIDUAL CONTACT MORE THAN A NUMBER IDENTIFIED BY THE
PREFIX "DASH 1," WHICH SEEMS LIKELY TO REPRESENT TRUMP'S
CELLPHONE, AND "DASH 1" ALWAYS CALLED GIULIANI AND NOT VICE
VERSA.
OKAY, SOUNDS ODD, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ALL THOSE CALLS ARE
SUSPICIOUS.
( AS TRUMP )
I'D LIKE TO ORDER A LARGE PEPPERONI.
OH, HI, RUDY.
SORRY, YOU'RE IN MY CONTACTS AS "SHAKEY ITALIAN GUY."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
LOOK, THE POINT IS, I WOULD LIKE A LARGE PEPPERONI.
THANK YOU.
OH FORGOT THE GARLIC KNOTS!"