*whoosh* *cha-ching*
BURNIE: Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Million Dollars, But . . . "
My name is Burnie Burns, and we have a very special "Founding Fathers" episode of "Million Dollars, But."
It's almost reverential, in a way. MATT: What?
Well, joining us for the first time ever is our CEO, Matt Hullum,
and our other founding father, Mr. Gus Sorola.
So Gus, I know you have done the show before,
but Matt, since you are new to the show . . . MATT: Yes.
. . . why don't you start us off with your scenario?
So you get a million dollars, but . . .
MATT: every time somebody starts talking to you about the weather,
you get a personal storm cloud over your head for the rest of the day.
BURNIE: Like you're in a cartoon. MATT: Like in a cartoon.
BURNIE: Four feet over my head . . . MATT: It's just up there, it's just gonna affect you.
BURNIE: So I'm at my desk with an umbrella, working away, MATT: I think you could do that.
BURNIE: I'm in my car with an umbrella . . .
MATT: You know what you would do, you would just be the guy who wears that awful umbrella hat . . . GUS: That's exactly what I was thinking Matt.
MATT: You would wear the umbrella hat everywhere you go.
BURNIE: Well Gus, if you're walking down the street wearing an umbrella hat,
what's the first thing that every jackass on the street is going to ask you?
Ummm . . .
GUS: "Hey . . . how 'bout that weather, huh?"
I don't know how to talk to humans. How--how do, how do humans do that? (Burnie & Matt laugh)
*tone*
MATT: "How 'bout that weather and/or sports team, fellow human?" (Gus laughs)
*tone*
BURNIE: *laughs* They're gonna walk up and be like, "Heyy! Why ya wearin' an umbrella hat? It's such a nice day!"
*thunderclap* BURNIE: Then it starts raining on you.
MATT: I would imagine, over time, your emotions would probably come to affect it.
So it might start out as a, as a nice little drizzle,
but the angrier you get, *thunderclap*
it's going to get more intense. BURNIE: More, more, more. MATT: Yeah.
(Gus laughs)
There's like, one or two scenarios where it would actually benefit you.
MATT: I dunno, if you're, like, out in the desert, and you're lost . . . BURNIE: Yeah!
MATT: You just gotta call somebody on the phone, like, "Huh, I'm lost in the desert, but uh . . . ask me about the weather!"
*thunderclap* You know? It's like, "Ahh, that's refreshing!"
So, million dollars, but every time somebody mentions weather to you,
you get a personal storm cloud over your head. You in? -Uh, absolutely.
I'm doing it! I'll take the money. -I'm doing it too.
*chime*
A million dollars, but . . .
BURNIE: for a year after you get the money, every month, for six hours at random,
BURNIE: gravity has no effect on you. *lifting noise* Gravity just turns off.
You're outside, so as soon as you start floating away, you're flying off into outer space.
(Matt laughs) GUS: That's terrifying.
BURNIE: I'd be worried I'd have to go everywhere with, like, an anchor.
GUS: Just in case. BURNIE: And just be tethered to it at all times.
BURNIE: It could be pretty useful for you, though, because you'd, like, meet a stranger,
they're, like, talking too much to you, and you're like, "How do I get out of this?"
And it's like, "Oh!" *lifting noise* GUS: "Welp! See ya!"
BURNIE: (laughing) Just float off! GUS: "Sorry! I got no control over it!"
GUS: Seems like it would be terrifying to wake up, like, in the morning,
and you're, you know, on the ceiling.
BURNIE: Then it stops, and you would drop to the floor. (Gus and Matt laugh)
MATT: You could just have a leash. BURNIE: So if you go to, like, the Macy's Day Parade,
there's kids there, they're watching Spider-Man and Snoopy float by, then you guys come floating by.
Some dad's like, "Hey buddy, I think you got the wrong parade!"
(Gus laughs) MATT: "Nah, we're in the right place."
So, a million dollars, but:
for the year after you take the money,
every month for six hours, at random, gravity has no effect on you.
You taking the money? -I wanna be in a parade. I'm gonna do it.
I would absolutely do it. -I--see, a million bucks, I could figure out a way to make that work.
GUS & MATT: Yeah. -I would do that. *chime*
Million dollars . . .
GUS: but every time you see a purple car, you have to punch the person closest to you in the mouth.
*punch* BURNIE: Man.
MATT: What if the person closest to you is Grandma? And she's not doing so well? *life support beeps, ventilator*
(Burnie laughs) GUS: "Sorry Grandma, purple car!"
BURNIE: Full punch? GUS: Full punch. *heavy punch, life support tone*
MATT: I mean, I kinda hope, like, you're at a stop light, at least you could knock on the window of the person next to you.
BURNIE: (laughing) "Hey, do you know which way to the doctor?" "What?" *heavy punch* (Gus and Matt laugh)
*police siren* MATT: What if you just got pulled over, for speeding. BURNIE: Ohh.
MATT: He says, "Ah, here you go, drive safely."
As he's handing you the ticket you see a purple car go by, (laughing)
(Burnie laughs) GUS: You're g--you're going to jail!
*punch* MATT: Whammo! Right in his face.
GUS: It's also not only a person. Like, let's say you're watching a movie, there's a purple car there. BURNIE: "No!"
BURNIE: So it's like, if I go see a movie, and purple car shows up,
*punch* WHAM! And hit the person next to me.
GUS: I would definitely go out of my way to start a purple car parade.
And take one of you two to it. BURNIE: (laughs) How dare you.
GUS: What if you got into the street, *punch*
*screaming, occasional punch* and you're just punching each driver of each purple car, like, as they come by? (Burnie and Matt laugh)
MATT: (laughing) So wild. It would be a massacre.
GUS: So. Million dollars,
but any time you see a purple car, you gotta punch the person closest to you. Would you take the money?
There's no way I'd do this!
I can't do it. GUS: I'll do it. I'll take it. I'll take a million dollars.
Well, Gus, Matt, thank you for joining me for this episode of, "Million Dollars, But . . . "
If you liked this episode, don't forget to like and subscribe.
And! Don't forget to check out our card game, at mdbgame.com.
How do you play the game? -You just . . .
It's like this, with little square pieces of paper.
Oh. -It's old-fashioned. -Analog.
I like it. -Yeah.
*outro music*