LOTS OF NEWS TO COVER SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
AS YOU KNOW, THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS ARE JUST TWO WEEKS
AWAY.
WELL, THIS MORNING, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED THAT THEY
WILL BE SPENDING OVER $20 MILLION CAMPAIGNING AROUND THE
COUNTRY IN SUPPORT OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES.
IT'S ALL PART OF TRUMP'S "HUMILIATE OTHER REPUBLICANS"
WORLD TOUR.
[LAUGHTER] TRUMP'S TEAM SAID THE PRESIDENT
IS SCHEDULED TO HOLD TEN MORE RALLIES BEFORE THE ELECTIONS.
SO DON'T WORRY, IF HE HASN'T INSULTED YOUR MINORITY GROUP
YET, HE WILL GET TO YOU.
SIT TIGHT.
WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT MANY RALLIES?
NOW, I'VE ONLY BEEN IN THIS COUNTRY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS,
BUT I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT BEING PRESIDENT WAS KIND OF
A FULL-TIME JOB.
NOT A SIDE-HUSTLE LIKE DRIVING FOR UBER.
[LAUGHTER] IN OTHER TRUMP FAMILY NEWS,
WHILE ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, FORMER FOX NEWS PERSONALITY,
KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE JUST REVEALED THAT SHE AND HER BOYFRIEND
DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR REFER TO THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OWN
CELEBRITY COUPLE NICKNAME, WHICH IS "DONBERLY."
[LAUGHTER] AND NOW MY APPETITE IS
COMPLETELY GONE-BERLY.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
HERE'S THE THING WITH CELEBRITY NICKNAMES, YOU CAN'T JUST COME
UP WITH YOUR OWN.
IT HAS TO BE GIVEN TO YOU.
THIS IS LIKE WHEN I TRIED A YEAR AGO TO GET EVERYONE HERE AT THE
SHOW TO CALL ME CORDI-B.
IT DIDN'T WORK.
[LAUGHTER] IT CAN STILL HAPPEN THOUGH,
HASHTAG CORDI-B.
MOVING ON, DURING A RECENT INTERVIEW, DONALD TRUMP'S
SON-IN-LAW JARED KUSHNER WAS ASKED ABOUT WORKING IN THE WHITE
HOUSE AND HE REPLIED, "I WOULDN'T SAY
IT'S FUN."
[LAUGHTER] GUESS WHAT, IT'S NO FUN FOR ANY
OF US EITHER.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
KUSHNER ALSO REFERRED TO WORKING IN THE WHITE HOUSE AS "THE
CHALLENGE OF A LIFETIME."
AND THE COMMENT WAS JUST ABOUT GETTING TRUMP TO EAT HIS
VEGETABLES.
[LAUGHTER] IN CASE YOU DON'T REMEMBER,
HERE'S A PICTURE OF JARED KUSHNER.
I'M PRETTY SURE JARED KUSHNER'S "CHALLENGE OF A LIFETIME" IS
SOMEHOW LOOKING LIKE A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY AND A
FORTY-FIVE-YEAR-OLD SINGLE MOTHER AT THE SAME TIME.
[LAUGHTER] AM I WRONG?
LOOK AT HIM.
7-YEAR-OLD BOY.
45-YEAR-OLD SINGLE MOTHER.
AND HERE'S AN UPDATE TO A STORY WE TOLD YOU ABOUT LAST WEEK.
JUST DAYS AFTER LEGALIZING MARIJUANA ALL ACROSS CANADA,
STORE OWNERS THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY SAY THEIR SUPPLY OF WEED
IS ALMOST GONE.
ALL OF CANADA'S WEED HAS BEEN SMOKED.
THANKS A LOT, CELINE DION!
[LAUGHTER] THE NATION RAN OUT OF WEED IN A
WEEK.
JUST HOW BORED WERE THE CANADIANS BEFORE?
[LAUGHTER] IT'S A GRIM SCENE.
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF OVERLY-POLITE CANADIANS
APOLOGIZING TO EACH OTHER NONSTOP.
"I'M SO SORRY WE'RE OUT OF WEED."
"NO, I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SMOKED SO MUCH!"
[LAUGHTER] I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU PUT IN
A BOWL.
[APPLAUSE] AND WE HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS.
THE MUSEUM OF THE BIBLE IN WASHINGTON, D.C. RECENTLY
ANNOUNCED THAT FIVE OF THE MUSEUM'S PRICELESS DEAD SEA
SCROLLS ARE BEING TAKEN OFF DISPLAY BECAUSE THEY WERE
DISCOVERED TO BE FAKES.
FINALLY, SOME REAL FAKE NEWS!
[LAUGHTER] ACTUAL FAKE NEWS!
IT'S WHAT IT IS!
[APPLAUSE] THE FIVE SCROLLS FAILED
SCIENTIFIC TESTING.
ALSO, AND THIS WAS A RED FLAG, TWO OF THE SCROLLS WERE JUST
PODCASTS.
[LAUGHTER] BUT IT GOT WORSE FOR THE MUSEUM
OF THE BIBLE.
THERE'S NOW CONCERNS THEIR ORIGINAL PIECE FROM NOAH'S ARK
MAY ALSO BE A FORGERY.
YOU DECIDE.
HERE IT IS.
[LAUGHTER] I DON'T KNOW.
[APPLAUSE] AND FINALLY, THIS WAS A STRANGE
STORY.
A HITCHHIKER IN AUSTRALIA WHO WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT TO THE
BEACH WAS SURPRISED WHEN HE WAS PICKED UP BY MOVIE STAR CHRIS
HEMSWORTH AND TAKEN TO THE BEACH IN A HELICOPTER.
ANYWAY, CHRIS HEMSWORTH IS DEAD.
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS.
[LAUGHTER] I'M KIDDING, HE'S FINE.
BUT THIS IS WHY AUSTRALIA IS SO DANGEROUS-- THERE'S SNAKES,
THERE'S SHARKS, AND AT ANY TIME, A HEMSWORTH COULD JUST COME DOWN
FROM THE SKY AND SWOOP YOU UP WITHOUT WARNING.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
IF YOU ASK ME, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING BETTER THAN BEING PICKED
UP BY CHRIS HEMSWORTH IN HIS HELICOPTER, AND THAT'S BEING
PICKED UP BY CHRIS HEMSWORTH IN HIS ARMS.
TRUST ME ON THIS.