Here with Norm Macdonald
and you know, I find out more and more about you
every time you come on the program, you know.
I always study up on a file
and I learn more about you and I was really surprised
to learn, I didn't know this.
I didn't know this but you were a bartender?
Yeah, I did a lot of jobs before I got into comedy.
For a while I was slinging the hash.
No, no.
(group laughs)
You idiot.
(group laughs)
That was when I was a fry cook.
I was a bartender.
I was slinging the drinks, you know?
[Conan] Sure.
And oh man, that was fun.
I'll tell you what was fun about being a bartender.
Always a story, you know.
[Conan] Really?
Always something funny happened down at the bar.
[Conan] That's perfect for a talk show then.
Yeah, this is a good example.
I was, one time I was working in there.
Drunk guy comes in
and you're not supposed to serve the drunk guys,
that's one of the things you learn.
[Conan] Okay.
And also you learn how to make the drinks.
[Conan] Yeah.
(group laughs)
So the drunk guy comes in, real drunk,
three sheets to the wind.
So this character sits down, I says to him, I says,
I says, what do you want?
I can't serve you, you know.
He goes, I don't want to drink.
He says I want to shoot a dart at your dartboard.
So I go to the guy,
see you can't shoot a dart at my dartboard.
He goes, I go, you're right, you're not in a, you're drunk.
I said, I'm not going to let you,
that'd be dangerous.
That's a sharp thing a dart.
So the guy goes, no, let me shoot one shot at the dartboard.
So I go all right, one shot, that's it.
So the guy shoots the dart, bulls-eye.
I've never seen anything like it,
even in his state bulls-eye.
So the guy says to me, he says,
what do I win?
Yeah, so nah, I don't know what he wins.
I'm confused.
So I start looking around trying to find something before
and I see in right in the bottom of the bar area,
there's a, there's a shoe box with a turtle in it.
From where, what is that doing there?
What?
(group laughs)
I was going to give it,
I was gonna give it, I was going to give it as a gift
to my nephew, he wanted a turtle.
And I said, I'll get him a turtle, that'd be a good gift.
But then later I thought that's a dumb gift, a turtle.
Nobody likes a turtle.
The kid will probably just put him on his back
until he dies.
Kids are cruel.
So I said, why not just give it to this drunk?
Okay.
So, I said, here's your prize.
Here it is.
And so the guy takes it in the shoe box,
and he goes, thanks.
And he walks out with it.
So I figured that's the last I'll ever see of that guy.
Sure.
Two weeks later, the guy shows up again, drunk again.
So now I go, oh my God, that's that guy from two weeks ago.
So he walks up to the bar.
I go, I can't serve you, buddy, I can't do that.
He goes, I want to shoot a dart at your dartboard.
I go no, ah nah man, I let you do that before,
he goes, but I got a bulls-eye I say, yeah,
I said yeah, yeah, but you can't do that again.
You're not as luck.
He goes, let me try.
So he takes it, shoots it, bulls-eye again.
So he goes, what do I win?
So I'm confused, I don't know.
You know, I look around, I go, I don't know.
I go what did you win last time?
He goes, oh, last time he goes,
last time I won a roast beef on a hard roll.
(group laughs)
It was a turtle.
We know it was the turtle.
It was the turtle.
We know.
Oh my God.
It was the turtle.
Guy must have gone out and ate it.
It was crazy.
Oh, he ate the turtle, I see now.
It was crazy.
That's the real end of the joke.
It wasn't a joke.
I know it really happened, right.
God forbid, that was a joke.
Sorry for calling, what really happened to you a joke.
I apologize.
All right, well, listen Saturday Night Live this week,
Christine Baranski, she's funny.
And The Cure, sounds like a good show.
You'll be there.
I'm excited about Wayne Newton, seeing him.
I don't know these people, but Wayne Newton.
Wayne Newton,
yeah, you're gonna stick around for Wayne Newton?
I can't wait to see him.
Mr. Excitement, yeah, that's cool.
I saw him when I was a kid.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, he was so great.
All right.
He gives it his, all that guy.
No, seriously.
I'm sure he does.
I didn't mean to laugh.
I mean, he does.
I'm met him backstage.
This guy looks younger than us.
Yeah, he does.
He has a great look.
You guys are going to have fun here in a few minutes.
What a great plug.
You gotta stick around.
You gotta take it from the, Norm Macdonald everybody.
Thanks, Norm.
Wayne Newton, Tracey Bonham coming up.
It's a solid show stick around.