April began with heavy rain filled clouds
and thunderstorms.
A sign of new warmer season fast approaching.
Seasons change one after another at the blink of an eye
nourished by the rain,
the trees reveal their pink
blossoms and young green foliage
growing by a minute,
greedily soaking up the occasional rays of April sun.
I too, entered a new period of growth
when body and soul both crave nourishment more than ever.
There is something about this season
that makes my heart flutter
and my mind go on the journey of self-exploration.
Today, I wanted to share with you
my thoughts on finding home
the sense of belonging that it seems many of us often miss.
I asked you earlier whether you'd be interested
in exploring this subject with me.
And it looks like there are a few of us who
might feel in a similar way.
I realize that some of my thoughts
might come off a little more melancholic today,
but perhaps you might be
somewhat used to that
if you've been watching my videos for a while.
I call it light melancholia.
I never mean what I say in a negative way.
If anything, there is light and hope in those feelings,
and I wish to translate that lightness to you in some way.
Last weekend I journeyed to the sea - an area
where I lived for a couple of years
when I first came to England as a teenager.
Memories of past came flooding
in like ocean waves, revealing
deepest questions left unanswered.
What would my life look like if I never moved?
Where would I be if not here?
And while I did,
long time ago
to come to a conclusion
that I would not change anything in the past
to make it different,
I still find that there is a part of me
which still attempts to exist
in a different reality within my head.
A part of me that's endlessly
curious about things that could have been.
But then perhaps these questions need no answer at all.
I read these
beautiful words by a Portuguese poet,
Fernando Pessoa, the other day.
“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most
are those that are absurd -
the longing for impossible things
precisely because they are impossible.
Nostalgia for what never was
The desire for what could have been.
Regret over not being someone else.
And these half tones of the soul's
consciousness create in us a painful landscape
an eternal sunset of what we are.”
There is this beautiful word that describes this feeling.
“Anemoia”
A nostalgic sense of longing for a past
you have never lived.
The simple truth is
my choices
led me to where I am right now,
and thus this is precisely where I belong.
Perhaps it is impossible to talk about home
and sense of belonging without peeling away some of its layers.
There is the outside that is visible to everyone around.
In simple terms,
I am an immigrant
who was born someplace else
and built a life in the new country.
My accent is revealed as soon as I speak,
and thus you instantly form an idea of who I am.
People still ask me questions about my birth country,
which I cannot answer,
as I never lived there as an adult
and I only hold knowledge of a child.
If I ever moved back to where I was born,
I'd have to adapt
just the same way I'd have to adopt to any other country
I'm not familiar with.
This is the first outer layer.
Is our home defined by where we were born?
By the passport we hold, by the accent we speak with.
Do all of the above dictate where we belong?
Then there is a second layer -
our ancestry, which is also a factual thing.
We're all born into a culture
and traditions it comes with.
Our blood is the blood of our ancestors.
And that is something that,
unlike accents or passports, that cannot be changed.
Some people are born with a strong knowledge
of their ancestry and culture.
Large families stand behind them.
Knowledge and sense of belonging
being planted from the first breath.
Others are born without that knowledge
due to various reasons.
Some of it might have been lost.
Some countries ceased to exist.
Family trees
abruptly cut off just a generation above you
with no knowledge of ancestry.
Some end up building their own
traditions, their own culture,
fostering their sense of belonging
from the limited knowledge they have.
They choose to build anew, starting with themselves.
And there is the inner layer - which is feelings.
This is precisely what this video is about.
How do you feel in the world you surround yourself with?
We are so desperate to belong that we try to mold ourselves
into places, societies, and lives that don't suit us.
Perhaps belonging
isn't about others accepting you
or about fitting into the societal standards,
but is about you
accepting your most real and authentic self.
My home is something I carry inside,
never defined by the facade,
but rather by what is carefully kept within it.
I tried living in many places,
run away at every possible moment in search for belonging.
I held onto people, places and memories
which never meant to be.
I placed too much responsibility on others to accept me
on the country, to accept me as its own own,
on people to love me in the ways that I need
on friends to hold me in their memories.
In doing so, I lost sight of myself.
The more I looked outward, the more I got lost.
As many times as it’s been said before
one thing that remains true is that home is within.
Home is you.
Perhaps we don't really need to belong anywhere
as long as we accept ourselves
for who we are without waiting
for the outside world to take us in.
What's important,
though, is to never stop growing
and taking care of our home.