Another thing that we often have fear about is
fear of losing relationships,
fear of separation from the people
that we care about.
And this is a real big one.
You'll see in society in general,
a major object of attachment is
people and relationships.
And since attachment is
the breeding ground for fear,
then fear arises.
Because when we're attached
and we're clinging,
then we're afraid of being separated
from what we cherish.
So you see, even when
you're with the people that you cherish,
when there's a lot of attachment,
even when you're with them,
the mind isn't completely peaceful and happy
because there's fear of losing them there.
Isn't there? Yes?
Is that fear pleasant or unpleasant?
Does attachment bring happiness or suffering?
So we can see very clearly
in our own experience
that link between the clinging attachment
and the suffering that we experience.
So when we don't have ...
Let's say we're separated.
The person we care about is away on vacation.
Or they're away somewhere, so we miss them.
You know? Then our mind ...
There's agitation in the mind
because they aren't there.
There's worry like,
"Oh maybe they're going to get hurt."
Or, "Maybe they won't come back".
Maybe this, maybe that.
So much worry about them.
And that's when they aren't there.
And so there's still the craving,
and one kind of fear and worry.
And then when you are together with them,
still the mind's not peaceful.
Because we're worried about future separation,
and we're fearful of that.
"What will I do without this person?"
"How will I survive?"
"What will happen to them?"
"Will they be okay?"
There's so much that comes in
because of the attachment
and its relationship with
fear and worry and anxiety.
And does the fear of separation
bring anything good to the relationship?
No.
In fact, it prevents you from
actually appreciating being with the person
when you are with them.
Because the mind is so busy worrying
about what it's going to be like
when you separate from them.
Or worry when you're going to die
or they're going to die, and
you're going to separate from them.
So the mind is so caught up in the worries
that actually being with the person
when they're there:
You can't do it.
Because the mind's in its own...
Writing its own script for the next story.
So, I think some really good
counteractive measures to this,
first of all is
realizing the faults and the disadvantages
of attachment because it brings fear
and reducing our attachment.
And I think a good way
to reduce attachment is to remember
that people are not our possessions.
And people are not "ours."
We say "my friends", "my family",
"my relatives", "my brother", "my sister",
"my mother", "my father", "my kids",
"my kitties", "my dog",
my this, my that.
And there's a very strong feeling of "my" there.
But are they mine? What about them is mine?
I remember, I don't know how many decades ago,
reading some Khalil Gibran poetry.
You remember when that was the rage?
And I really liked...
there was one poem where he talked about how,
I think it was kids
are not the possessions of the parents.
But similarly, the parents
aren't the possessions of the kids,
and we aren't the possessors of our friends
or the possessions of our friends.
This mind that makes things into our possessions
and then says because they're mine,
they can't be separated from me
is very painful, isn't it?
And it's based on total delusion.
Because what is mine about another person?
You might say, well they have my genes.
But if you look at your own body,
you have those genes.
What is yours about those genes?
Is there anything yours about your genes?
No, they came from your parents.
So even we say "my body".
We should be saying "our parents' body".
Because the genes came from them.
Or our grandparents' body.
Or our great great grandparents' body.
That's what this thing is.
It has nothing to do with "my" and "mine".
Because it all came from them.
So, just because there's genetic relationship?
So what? Really. You know?
Because if you're going to say,
"But it's my genes", then you are your genes?
Then your body is you?
If your body's you,
then when the body ceases,
you go totally out of existence,
and there's no future rebirth.
Do you think that?
So we have to
when we use "my"
in reference to other people,
we have to really check it.
Because, there's so easily ... we reify the "my".
We make it quite solid.
And there's nothing mine about another person.
There's nothing "mine"
about our own body and mind.
So what's there to think
that another person's body and mind
is ours to possess and to control.
And then it's also helpful to remember
that whatever comes together must separate.
And this is just nature.
This is just the way things are.
So whenever we're together with somebody,
doesn't matter how much we care about them,
we have to separate from them.
At some point or another.
We even have to separate from this body.
So, let alone from somebody else.
So, thinking that there's
either some real person in them to possess,
some real "mine" inside of them
that makes them my possession,
or some real me that can control.
All of that is just ignorant delusion.
And you can see how
those kinds of views bring a lot of suffering.
And a lot of fear.
So sit with that in your meditation.
Bring up somebody
that you're very attached to,
that you're afraid of losing, and ask,
"What is mine about that person?"