-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show"!
You're here. This is it.
[ Cheers and applause ] Big show tonight.
Well, guys, the big story tonight was that in Iowa,
CNN hosted the final Republican presidential debate
between Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley.
Yep. It all comes down to this.
After tonight, it will become clearer
who will more not be the nominee.
[ Laughter ]
What a night between Haley and DeSantis.
It was like Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen,
minus the joy, booze, and viewers. That's right.
The first question was, "If you two debate each other
and no one watches, does it even make a sound?"
Yeah, it was just Haley and DeSantis.
It's like when you go to a concert
and the only original band members
are the bass player and the guy on the tambourine.
You go, "These are the original Pips?
He can't be original. He's 23 years old."
Meanwhile, Vivek Ramaswamy didn't qualify for the debate,
but last night in Iowa, he held his own campaign event,
and because of bad weather,
he couldn't actually be there in person.
Let's see how that went.
-Oh, look who's here. -Look who's here!
-[ Laughs ] Hi!
-Do you want to give your thoughts on...
or do you want me to finish answering?
-Wow. I...
I've never seen a black-and-white iPad.
I've never...
In my li-- Is that a Tamagotchi?!
What was...
The original Kindle Fire? What is that thing?
What a rally that was.
That room looked less like a campaign event
and more like a support-group meeting.
It's like, "Hi. My name's Glenn. I'm a shopaholic."
You know your campaign's toast when you can't even
get yourself to show up, you know?
Meanwhile, here in New York, former President Trump's
civil fraud trial is coming to a close,
and tomorrow, Trump planned on personally delivering
his own closing argument, but the judge isn't letting him.
Don't worry. As a comedian, I immediately filed an appeal.
Your Honor, please!
That would get us through February.
I mean, come on. Think about our jobs.
Speaking of Trump, he just took to social media
to say that he was
never on Epstein's plane or at his "stupid island."
Sounds like --
Sounds like something a 4-year-old would say.
"I've never been to his stupid island.
His stupid plane. Stupid house. You're stupid."
Trump said he was never on Epstein's "stupid island."
Is it me? Does "Stupid Island"
sound like a new reality show on CW?
I would watch it.
Some more political news.
House Republicans want to impeach
President Biden's Homeland Security Secretary,
Alejandro Mayorkas, over the situation at the border.
If you don't know him, here's Mayorkas.
Yeah, well, already, a lot of people
have come out to defend him.
-Really? -Yeah.
For instance, Jeff Bezos said...
[ Laughter ]
And then -- then Pit Bull. Pit Bull said...
Then Howie Mandel said...
Then the whole cast of "Fast and Furious" said...
Then Prince William said...
-Aww.
[ Applause ]
Then...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then the Jets' head coach said...
And, finally, Kenny G said...
-Wow. -Unbelievable. I...
-Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, switching gears, I saw that after four years,
McDonald's is bringing back the Double Big Mac.
-Ooh. -Here it is. Look at this thing.
Oh, gosh. They waited four years
'cause that's how long it took customers
to digest the last one.
I'm not sure if a hamburger should be the same size
as a carry-on luggage, you know?
You guys see this? Sony unveiled a new electric car
that can be driven with a PlayStation controller.
Yeah, it's fun when kids fight over the controller
and accidentally drive Grandma to Toronto.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, another big story continues to be
the winter storms that have been hammering most of the U.S.
Here to give us the latest update
to help you out with tomorrow morning's commute
is our head meteorologist, Ben Dalton.
Ben, thanks for talking with us.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ben?
Ben! Ben! Ben!
-Ohh! Ha ha ha ha! Jimmy, good one.
Yeah. I always love your well-timed humor.
-Thanks.
So, Ben, what can people expect to wake up to tomorrow morning?
-Well, not their bed, that's for sure.
Because if they were smart,
they would have been sleeping in their office
since Sunday to avoid all of this.
Because it's not pretty out there, Jimmy!
And it's not pretty in here, either.
I'm not doing well! I'm not doing good!
-Okay. Ok--
-I just want to be honest with you.
-Okay. I can see that.
Maybe -- Maybe you should just go home then, Ben.
-Ha ha ha ha ha. Ho ho ho ho.
Home? Did you say "home"?
[ Laughing hysterically ]
Did you hear that? He said "home."
That's probably your best joke you've made so far, Jimmy!
I can't go home, Jimmy!
There's no home for me to go back to.
This is it! This is all I got!
You think I -- You think I put myself
through meteorology school
by selling exotic animals for big money?
Like, like -- And we're talking big, big money, Jimmy.
You think I did all that?
You think I sold pythons out of a suitcase and zebras?
But mostly zebras.
Just to -- Just to -- Just to pay for my degree
so that I could -- I could just go home?!
"Go home." Huh?!
[ Laughter ]
-Uh, I... -"Uh..."
[ Laughter ]
I spent 20 years working in smaller TV markets
while still selling zebras on the side, of course,
just to, you know, cover my rent, make ends meet
so I could work my way up the ladder
and finally land here in this job
as "The Tonight Show's" official weatherman.
And I'm gonna do all that so I can just "go home"
during the biggest week of weather that we've ever had?!
-I guess not.
-Yeah, you guess right, Jimbo!
[ Cellphone rings ] Just a second.
Ben's Exotic Animals, but Mostly Zebras.
Can I help you? What's up?
Oh, yeah. I can get you a zebra in heat.
I can get you two zebras in heat.
-Ben! Ben! Ben! Ben! Before you hang up...
w-what is the weather like tomorrow?
-Huh?
-What's the weather like tomorrow?
-Oh, it's gonna be raining.
It's always raining, Jimmy.
-Thank you very much.
"Tonight Show" meteorologist Ben Dalton.
Is he okay?
Alright. Good. He alright?
Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's working hard. Guys, listen to this.
I read about a woman in North Carolina
who was arrested and then allegedly
chewed through the back seat of the police car.
The cop driving was like, "Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead
and add meth to the list of charges."