- So, I've never had a boyfriend,
but I have a hundred exes.
(laughter)
The way that that works is,
you know like, the first two weeks when you're seeing a guy
and it's kind of exciting 'cause you're like,
"Does he know my last name?
"Will we ever see each other again?"
(laughter)
I will be in that stage for eight months.
And that's something you think would be bad
for somebody's self worth, right okay?
Not with a positive twist.
So let's say I'm seeing a guy,
we are both at the same party,
and he is ignoring me, not talking to me,
not looking at me.
I'm like, "I love that he gives me space."
(laughter)
And if we only go out once a month to a diner
after having sex I'm like, "This is our spot."
(laughter)
And if it's been over a year
and I haven't met his family or his friends I'm like,
"Can you believe he's an orphan
"and I'm the only person he talks to?
(laughter)
"So sweet."
I was seeing this guy for like, six months
and it was great, except for he kept being like,
"I don't want a relationship.
"I can't commit to anything serious right now."
And he kept like, saying it and meaning it
and being clear and communicative about his feelings.
Very manipulative.
(laughter)
Yeah.
This guy, he also had erectile dysfunction
and I would never make fun of a man for anything.
They deserve to be lifted up.
(laughter)
But when he couldn't commit it's like,
was it not enough to disappoint just me?
(laughter)
So I need a boyfriend because I miss smoking weed.
(laughter)
It's so hard, though.
It's like, I've had so many weird experiences.
When I first moved to New York I started dating this guy
who was like, obsessed with getting me to sit on his face.
Ladies, we all move to New York, we date that guy,
his name is Kyle, he's voracious.
(laughter)
But I didn't want to do it,
'cause it feels like the only way for a guy
to know how much you actually weigh.
(laughter)
But he finally convinced me,
which is how all sex should go.
(laughter)
So you know, I'm sitting on his face
and I'm just sort of working it like
a toilet in a public restroom.
(laughter)
Just like make contact, back up!
I'm checking to make sure he's okay.
I looked down and I see that his face is covered in blood.
Yeah.
So immediately I'm like, "Oh my god.
"I broke his nose with my thighs."
(laughter)
Now I'm crying 'cause I feel heavy.
He was like, "No Rachel, like you just got your period."
But I was raised Catholic, so I didn't even know
guys knew about periods.
(laughter)
I was like, "Who told you?"
(laughter)
And we have not seen each other since.
(laughter)
I do think I like, cured him of his fetish though.
I don't think he like,
asks girls to sit on his face anymore at all.
Even though I've had some weird experiences,
I do, I like sex, I like sex, my dad is here.
(laughter)
Hey.
Yeah, I like to sext a lot.
Do you guys like to sext?
(audience responds)
It's fine if you don't.
Not everyone can be (bleep)-ing cool.
(laughter)
No, I like sexting, but I will say,
it does feel like sexting is just
calling different body parts big or small.
(laughter)
And it's like I always start strong
and then run out of ideas.
Like I'm like, "Oh like, me and my giant tits.
"You're gonna (bleep) be with your huge dick
"in my teeny-tiny little girl (bleep).
(laughter)
"And kiss me with your regular-sized mouth.
(laughter)
"And then I'll suck your (bleep)
"with my sharp, pointy teeth.
"A ha ha!"
(laughter)
I like kink stuff too.
Do you guys like kink stuff?
(audience responds)
Weirdly, more people into kink stuff than sexting.
(laughter)
Everyone's like, "Don't sext, BDSM, yes, okay."
(laughter)
Me and the last guy I was dating,
we would do a lot of like, kink stuff.
He would tie me up, handcuff me to the bed.
And I would always be like, "Watch out.
"Like, one of these days I'm gonna tie up you."
Flirty. (laughs)
And I finally did it.
And once you have a grown man tied up,
there are just not a lot of options
of things to do to his body.
And none of them are pleasurable for you.
(laughter)
He's just lying there like,
"Uh, I hope nobody sucks my (bleep)."
(laughter)
It's so sad, 'cause I always like,
thought that I did stuff during sex.
Then you like, tie up the guy or (bleep) and you're like,
"Oh no, I'm just being pulled places."
(laughter)