I'm Nicholeen Peck and I'm a parenting and relationship
expert. I teach parents and children how to
govern themselves, how to control themselves. And if there's one thing
that people wonder, it's "How do you help a shy
person step out? How do you help them govern themselves in
that way?" Well, my 2 youngest children London and Porter were both
very shy. And I helped them step out of their comfort zones
and become the type of people that are go-getters
today. So, do you want to know how to make a shy kid confident?
That's what this video is all about.
In this video, we're going to talk about what we really can make them do and what
we can't, how patience plays a role in their
development and overcoming shyness and what type of training that they need
to really conquer this shyness problem that
they might be dealing with. And if you stay with me after that, we'll
be talking about even more. So, you actually can't make anybody do
anything. I mean, sure, if a child's in the road, you could run out
grab them and take them to safety. And you might be able to make them move with
you. But you can't make a person change their
thought patterns. It's impossible. The only thing you can
do is be a good influence so they may desire to change their thought
processes. And really being shy or shyness
is a habit a processing habit that a person has.
They see the world in a certain way and they're choosing to protect themselves
by being shy. Now, some people are shy because maybe they don't know what to
say. Or they don't have practice interacting
with other people. But there are other people that are shy
because their parents are shy. And they just have learned that that's
the way to communicate. And then there are yet
other people that are shy simply because they don't want to open up. Now, those
people aren't necessarily shy. They're just worried that things might
come out wrong and they don't want to be judged or they don't want to be seen as
somehow imperfect. These shy people are actually trying to
control their environment. And many, many people who
engage in shyness are actually trying to just control
their outcomes so that they don't have to deal with any times where they did
something wrong, they didn't perform properly, they didn't
get the friend or something like that. So, you'll need to
ascertain "Why is it that this person that I'm
wondering about with their shyness actually is shy? Do they
hope to not let anybody in so that they can't get hurt?
Do they hope to not have to take too many steps out of their comfort zone
so they maintain a control bubble around what they will do, won't do,
we'll say, won't say?" Many people don't think of shyness as controlling.
But actually it is and can be. Since a person who's shy has to choose
not to be shy, this requires patience. We can't just
force a person to choose not to be shy on the fly just like that.
So, what we need to do is we need to provide
opportunities for them to practice not being shy.
We need to have deliberate conversations with them and make plans for them to
conquer their shyness and do it in a way that comes across
as feeling very safe. If it feels emotionally safe
and like they can maintain a certain amount of control
along the way, then they will step further and further
outside of their comfort zones. And soon choose not to be shy. In fact, what
they'll find is there's an empowerment a confidence
that comes with stepping outside of that comfort zone
that also feels really nice. Even better than trying to control other people for
social outcomes. So, in the teaching self-government
parenting program, we talk about pre-teaching. This is one of the styles
of parenting that helps parents teach and correct
their children. Pre-teaching is when you tell someone
something ahead of time and you make a plan for how you will be
successful. Well, with shyness, you need to pre-teach
how to not be shy, how to speak out,
how to share your ideas, how to step out of your comfort zones.
Whatever the problem happens to be or what the specific
target behavior is that seems to be the source of the shyness
for the particular child that you're working with.
Many people don't know what to say. So, they might be ready to start working on
overcoming their shyness. But they really don't know how to start we have to have
realistic expectations for people as they're
overcoming a habit. Because shyness really does just become
a habit. Which means sometimes we have to spoon feed somebody some words
and they need to use those words in the social setting. Now, I don't spoon feed
words right at the minute when a person needs
them. That is a crutch and that will not help
a shy person think that they can break out of their
shyness. What they need is they need to be pre-taught ahead of
time, "Hey, this is what you can say. We're going to
go to this party it's a bigger group than we usually get together with
and you'll want to reach out to some people and meet some new friends.
You can go up to a friend and say, hi my name's Nihcoleen,
what's your name? And you can start with that. And after you ask that question,
what would be a good question for you to ask next?
Maybe where do you live or how do you know
so and so?" You could tell them what questions they can
ask. Then when you get to the party, you pre-teach
right before you arrive. Now, remember this is what you plan to do.
How many times do you want to meet a new person at this party?
And they might say, "I want to meet 2 new people." Okay, great.
So, go and do it 2 times and we'll check up with you after the party.
Now, am I going to follow them around and spoon feed them the words
and say, "Here meet so and so." No, that does not help with shyness.
It encourages shyness. So, we have to make sure we give them that time that feels
uncomfortable that they have to stand all on their own
that nobody's gonna do it for them so that they can actually have that
minute of breaking out and picking to use the skill that you
taught them in the first place. For children that are using shyness as a
control mechanism and they refuse to work on it or conquer it,
you do need to look at what is in their best
interest which is to overcome the shyness and choose to be able to
communicate with other people. It could be beneficial to use a skill
that we use in the teaching self-government parenting course
called following instructions. When a person learns to follow instructions
then they learn how to look at a situation or a person,
keep a calm face voice and body, say okay or disagree appropriately. Meaning, they
go and they do whatever it is they're
instructed to do or they say. And then they go. The next step is they do the
task immediately and then check back. You may have to say,
"This is what you need to do. When we get to the party,
go up to the first 2 people you meet and introduce yourself.
And say these words, okay?" And then you say, "This is an
instruction." And you might have to remind them that if they don't follow the
instruction, then you actually will do a correction
afterward and you'll do more teaching about it
so that you can prepare to be successful if it doesn't work this time.
You can prepare to be successful the next time. So,
sometimes we have to correct children when they're choosing to be
shy. Because they are being controlling, they're doing some negative attention
seeking. And it is going to be a problem for them
socially for their lives. Now, that doesn't mean that everybody is the
same degree of talkativeness. So, some people
are introverted, some people are extroverted. Some people
converse more easily with people and put their
thoughts together quicker than other people. Do we have to have
patience? Set personal goals. And then occasionally,
if we feel like it's required because someone's using their shyness as a power
struggle, we have to correct the situation and
help them practice things the right way. If you think this video was helpful for
you, I think you're going to enjoy the next video which is
"How To Parent A Strong-Willed Child?" Go ahead and click on that video now.