[upbeat music]
Today was one of those days where you watch Donald Trump
and for a second you get to enjoy the comedy side of him,
and then you're like tomorrow you'll go back
to the terrifying side of him.
[audience laughing]
'Cause that line was honestly one of the funniest things
I've ever heard him say,
where he said, "The press has treating me so badly, folks,
so badly, it's been loco."
[audience laughing]
And in that moment, I don't know if you noticed,
he even becomes sort of,
it sounds like he's trying to do a Mexican,
without even realizing it,
he's like, "It's been loco, they treat me crazy."
[audience laughing]
"They treat me crazy, so loco."
[audience applauds]
Like, the whole time I was watching that,
I was wondering, I was like,
"I wonder if Trump practiced a few like key phrases
"in Spanish just for that meeting,
and just came in there and he was like,
[speaking in foreign language].
[audience laughing]
"Don't mess me around Mexico"
[speaking in foreign language]
[audience laughing]
"I'm crazy! I want this deal."
And then he got the deal and he walked there.
He's like, "I told you those Gabriel Iglesias DVDs
"would pay back folks, I learned so much!"
[upbeat music]
This whole thing with Trump, and the Democrats,
and the infrastructure meeting,
for me is really easy to understand
if you understand Trump as just a human being,
which I know is hard, I know it's hard.
[audience laughing]
But if you just think of him as a human being,
you understand that he can't compartmentalize, right?
So like, fundamentally look at what happened here,
the Democrats had a meeting
where they were talking about him
possibly obstructing justice, investigating him, et cetera.
And then the next meeting they have is with him
to talk about infrastructure.
And he's like, "No, you can't just do that."
You get what I'm saying?
Like, Trump is like,
"You just said you're gonna investigate me,
"and maybe impeach me,
"and now you want to talk to me about," and he's like, "No."
And they're like, "Yeah, that was a separate meeting."
He's like, "Uh-uh."
[audience laughing]
Like fundamentally, it's like a relationship,
you know what I mean?
It's like Trump is going like,
"No, like we just fought in the living room."
And then now you get in the bedroom,
and the Democrats are like,
"So you wanna do infrastructure?"
[audience laughing]
And Trump is like, "No, no
"I still wanna talk about what happened in the living room."
And they're like, "Donald, that was the living room."
He's like, "I don't care.
"You're not getting any of this until we talk about that."
That's fundamentally what it is,
and I honestly get where he's coming from
as a human being, like in that way.
Because like, what's weird,
it has been for me for a long time,
especially with American politicians,
but politicians in general is,
they have this weird rhythm
of how they deal with love and hate, you know?
So like, for a long time in America it's been that way,
one party is trying to destroy another candidate,
or another person on the other side,
and they still work with them.
So for instance, like Obama's a good example.
Republicans ran around calling him a secret Muslim,
[indistinct] "Secret Muslim, he's a secret Muslim."
And then like immediately the next day
he would work with them on whatever project
that they were working on together,
do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah, they'd be like,
"Yeah, I mean, I don't like what they said,
"but we gotta work towards healthcare,
-"we gotta do this thing." -[audience applauding]
And we're like, "But they, but they said that thing."
[audience applauding]
And it worked the other way as well,
it's not like it was a, you know, it's a Democrat-pro thing,
it was the same thing the other way around.
You know, Democrats accused George Bush
of stealing the election,
but then afterwards they were like,
"Yeah, we still gonna help you to invade Iraq," you know?
And I mean, that's pretty much what American politics is.
[audience laughing]
Trump was like, "No, I remember what you said, not nice."
[audience laughing]
[upbeat music]
That's the one exciting thing about Donald Trump,
is that we're all learning about the country with him.
[audience laughing]
Like, this is the first time,
like, can I tell you,
at the end of Donald Trump's presidency,
we will all be as qualified to be president as he will.
[audience laughing]
We'll all have the same training,
the same knowledge, the same experience, all of that shit.
I'm like, emoluments clause, ah, divestment of business,
like, I'm in the mix now, I'm just like, you know,
because like Americans, 'cause beforehand, let's be honest,
Americans were like a little,
you know, a little apathetic about everything.
Americans were like, "Yeah, president will handle that,
"it's okay, it's okay."
You know, it's like Obama was driving the bus,
and everyone's like, "Yeah, he's a good driver,
"I trust him, I trust him."
And then like Donald Trump's like, "All aboard!"
[audience laughing]
And now everyone's like, "Okay, how do the brakes work?
"How do the brakes work?
"Okay, steady people, he's gonna kill us."
[upbeat music]
You know, Melania Trump with her outfits
when she goes to visit people.
Like, I don't know which way it is,
'cause I mean, like, everyone has different theories.
Some people think, you know, 'cause she said,
"I'm going to the border to see what the real story is
"with the migrant children,
"you know, the immigrants that have come in,
"and they're locked up."
And I was like, "Oh, that's really sweet,
"she's gonna go in like, you know, shed a lights on it."
And then she throws on a jacket that says,
"I don't really care, do you?"
And then part of me was going like,
"Oh, maybe she didn't pay attention,
"she just, you know, it's tone deaf,
"she didn't think about it."
And then her spokesperson was like,
"Hey, no there's no hidden message,
"like, we just didn't think of it, sorry about that."
And then Trump came out and tweeted,
and he's like, "That jacket was about the fake news,
"Melania's showing that she doesn't care."
And it's like, she just said, there's no hidden message,
and he's like, hidden message.
[audience laughing]
He's like, what do you...
Like, I'm not gonna lie when I see things like this,
it genuinely makes me believe
that Donald Trump didn't collude with Russia
because I think he would've told us by now.
[audience laughing]
I'm gonna put it out there.
[audience applauding]
I do believe, I do believe we're gonna find out
people around him tried to collude,
but I think he would've, he tells us everything.
[audience laughing]
He just cannot, he told us why he fired James Comey,
he tells every single secret,
I don't think he'd be able to keep it in.
He'd like, at some point he would've been like,
"And that's why I colluded, they came to me,
I said, "Let's do it,' I said, 'let's do it!'
[upbeat music]
Donald Trump is, you know,
here's the thing about Donald Trump
that I will admit that a lot of people
don't even realize they feel about him,
is I think Donald Trump appeals to a thing
that every human being has inside of them,
and that is to live in a world
where you can just say and do whatever you like.
[audience laughing]
Even if you don't like him,
there are moments where you watch him
and you're just like, "Man, it looks liberating."
[audience laughing]
You've been impeached, there's a Senate trial,
and you're on stage like, "Dishwashers."
[audience laughing]
"What's the deal, not enough water in the dishwasher.
"You got the toilet, you're flushing it so many times,
"so many times, it doesn't flush, it doesn't go down.
"Doesn't go down."
[audience laughing]
He's living his life.
[audience applauding]
He's just living his life.
Oh man, all right, we ready to do some sports?
Yeah, we're ready to do it.
Give it up for Roy and Michael, everybody,
[audience applauding]
The wildest thing Trump said in that speech was,
he was at the rally, and then he said,
he said to the audience, he said, "I can't believe it,
"I'm talking about toilets, showers,
"faucets, washing machines, it's not dignified.
[audience laughing]
"It's not dignified,
"I can't talk about this at the State of the Union.
"I can't, I would, but I can't
"'cause I want them to say it was a great speech.
"I can't, you can't make a great speech
"if you're talking about washes and dishwashers.
"No one's gonna say, 'What a great speech,
[audience laughing]
"'He spoke about dishwashers.'"
[audience laughing]
And I was like that's actually a brilliant observation.
It's true, I was thinking about it the whole day,
I was like, I think it is impossible to make,
I don't care who you...
Like can you imagine like Martin Luther King
with all of his like speaking prowess?
I doubt that he could be out there and he'd just be like,
"I flushed that toilet so many times, it never went down.
"I tried again and again, it never went down."
It's just, like I don't care how great you are as a speaker,
dishwasher, there's no great dishwasher speech out there.
There's no Nelson Mandela dishwasher speech
where he's just like, "I believe in a dishwasher
[audience laughing]
"where the plates and the dishes,
"where the bowls and the cups are not separated.
[audience laughing]
"Let the dishes be put together,
"let the cutlery be next to their pots."
"No more separating all of these things."
[upbeat music]
I am always amused by how Trump's defense team
tries to obscure the real reason
the impeachment trial is happening.
Like Trump's lawyer, Jay Sekulow,
when he's up there he's like, "why are we here?
[audience laughing]
"Because of a phone call?"
[audience laughing]
No, it's because of what was said on that phone call,
and then what was done after that phone call,
and before the phone, like that's why the people are there.
He's making it like, it's just about the phone,
"it's 'cause of a phone call, huh?"
You know, it's like I would love to do that at trial,
"Why am I here, huh?
[audience laughing]
"Because I walked into that bank?
[audience laughing]
"Well, and then what did you do when you were in the bank?"
"That's not their point!"
[audience laughing]
[upbeat music]