>> Greg: WELCOME BACK.
THE PRES WHO’S NEVER ALERT IS
OFFICIALLY OLDER THAN DIRT.
YEAH, JOE’S FEELING FINE AS HE
PARTIES LIKE HE’S NO LONGER 79.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN CELEBRATED
HIS 80TH BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY IN
TYPICAL FASHION, WONDERING WHERE
THE HELL HE IS.
IT MARKS THE FIRST TIME EVER
THAT AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT HAS
TURNED 80 IN THE OVAL OFFICE AND
THE FIRST TIME THE OVAL OFFICE
DESK CHAIR DOUBLED AS A TOILET.
[LAUGHTER].
>> WHAT?
>> Greg: TERRIBLE.
HE CELEBRATED WITH HIS FAMILY IN
THE WHITE HOUSE WITH HIS
FAVORITE, A COCONUT CAKE.
DOES SOMEONE WARN HIM COCONUTS
ARE A NATURAL LAXATIVE?
PUTS A SMILE ON HIS FACE THOUGH
AND ONE ON THE TEETH IN THE
GLASS FLOATING ON HIS NIGHT
STAND.
BIDEN AND HIS HANDLERS SAY HE’S
FIT FOR THE JOB AND MORE THAN
CAPABLE OF RUNNING FOR
REELECTION DESPITE HIS ADVANCED
AGE.
AND WHEN HE SHAKES HANDS WITH
IMAGINARY PEOPLE HE HAS THE GRIP
STRENGTH OF A TEENAGER JOE
HIMSELF HAS SAID HE FELT 50,
WHICH RAISES THE QUESTION, 50
WHAT?
JUST WONDERING.
THERE’S A WOMEN’S COLLEGE NEARBY
SO IT COULD BE ANYTHING.
AS WE CELEBRATE THE COMMANDER IN
CHIEF, LET’S TAKE A LONG TRIP
DOWN MEMORY NAME OR AT LEAST
CONFUSE MEANDER THROUGH THE ROSE
GARDEN.
>> TWO, 12, 15 T -- OH, STEPPING
ON A -- THAT’S BLAKE.
ANYWAY.
>> BY THE WAY THIS IS MY SISTER
VALERIE, AND I’M JILL’S HUSBAND.
>> I’M HAVING TROUBLE READING
THIS.
>> THE PERCENTAGE OF THE MEN WHO
DO SO END OF QUOTE, REPEAT THE LINE.
♪
>> Greg: UNLIKE THE PRESIDENT,
THAT NEVER GETS OLD.
NOW LET’S GO TO THE BIRTHDAY BOY
HIMSELF.
HOW ARE YOU CELEBRATING YOUR
BIRTHDAY?
>> OH, NO, NO, NO.
I’M 80 YEARS OLD.
ANYWAY,
♪
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY
BIRTHDAY TO ME
♪
I FEEL 50.
THAT’S HOW YOU GET THE JOE AGE,
YOU SUBTRACT 30.
TEXT JOE TO MINUS 3-0.
I REMEMBER 30 YEARS AGO WHIFFS
FFRT I FELT 20.
I REMEMBER WHAT I WAS DOING,
JUST LIKE YOU, LISTENING TO SOME
GOOD HEAD BANGING MUSIC. ♪
>> HERE WE ARE NOW, ENTERTAIN US
♪
>> Greg: YEAH.
SO, NOT A DAY GOES BY WHERE
PEOPLE SAY BIDEN REMINDS THEM OF
YOU.
WHAT SAY YOU?
>> WE HAVE GOTTEN THAT SINCE
OBAMA.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM SO OUR
SPECIAL IS COMING UP ON FRIDAY
AND I ACTUALLY PLAY BIDEN IN THE
SPECIAL.
>> Greg: YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY
HIM.
>> NO, NOT ACTUALLY HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT FITS PERFECTLY
BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS ALWAYS
TELLING ME WHAT TO SAY.
AND YOU COULD PUT ME IN OFFICE
AND AT LEAST YOU’D KNOW FOR SURE
I’M NOT THE ONE RUNNING THE
SHOW.
[LAUGHTER].
>> Greg: WHERE CAN THEY SEE THE
SPECIAL.
>> GOING TO BE ON COMEDY
CENTRAL, COMEDY CENTRAL PART OF
PARAMOUNT WHICH IS A GREAT THING
EXCEPT WE WERE ON CBS THIS
MORNING AND NOW WE COME HERE.
I FEEL A LITTLE DIRTY BOTH WAYS.
>> WE HAD FUN WITH IT.
BY THE WAY WATCHING THOSE FILMS,
NO MATTER WHAT SIDE YOU’RE ON,
HOW COULD YOU TAKE THAT
SERIOUSLY?
>> Greg: YEAH.
WE ALL HAD FRIENDS ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE COUNTRY, SOME SOME
OF US DO, SOME DON’T.
AND I ASKED, JUST LIKE HERE,
REVIEW IS KIND OF A JOKE.
>> BUT IT GIVES YOU MATERIAL, SO
I LOVE IT.
>> Greg: THERE YOU GO.
WHAT SAY YOU, KAT, YOU KNOW ARE
WE BEING A LITTLE TOO AGEIST?
BIDEN’S AGE ISN’T THE WORST
THING ABOUT HIM
>> Kat: NO, IT’S IMPRESSIVE.
I DON’T THINK I’LL SEE 80.
I’M SERIOUS, I THINK I’M GOING
TO GET AN INSIDIOUS RARE CANCER
IN MY EARLY 50RS.
>> Greg: COME ON, DON’T BRING
EVERYBODY DOWN.
>> Kayleigh: BUT THEN I’LL BEAT
IT AND THEN IT WILL COME BACK
WITH A VENGEANCE AND I’LL DIE
BEFORE 50.
BUT IT’S NOT HIS AGE BECAUSE I
KNOW A FEW 80 YEAR OLDS, NOT TO
BRAG.
BUT THEY DON’T ACT LIKE THAT.
>> NO, THEY DON’T.
>> HE’S JUST YOU JUST HAVE TO
JUDGE IF I’M KEEPING UP THE SAME
PACE.
I’M LIKE I’M CONCERNED AT THE
PACE YOU’RE AT NOW.
EVERY TIME HE GETS OUT A FULL
SENTENCE I’M SURPRISED AND IN A.
>> Greg: TALK ABOUT A RELIEF
FACTOR, WHEN HE OPENS HIS MOUTH
I’M LIKE, MAYBE HE’S OKAY.
>> Kayleigh: SUBJECT AND
PREDICATE.
>> DID YOU KNOW THE SECRET
SERVICE IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO
PROTECT HIM FROM NATURAL CAUSES.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
>> Greg: THAT’S FUNNY.
>> Jeff: THANKS A LOT.
>> Greg: EMILY, KAT’S RIGHT,
HE’S 80 BUT NOT A STRONG 80, YOU
KNOW, LIKE STUART VARNEY.
>> STEWART’S LIKE 40.
HERE’S THE THING THIS IS WHAT
ANNOYS ME ABOUT THE LIBS IS THAT
THEY TRY TO MAKE IT ABOUT THE
NUMBER.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE I SHALL CHAIR
OF THE ONE OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE
GROUPS STRAIGHT UP SAID AND THE
PAPER PRINTED THIS, TOM BRADY
WON A SUPER BOWL AT AGE 53 SO WE
HAVE TO REASSESS AGING.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH
OUR PRESIDENT BECOMING CRYPT
KEEPER?
NOTHING.
AND THAT’S NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS WE ALL KNOW A
MILLION 90 YEAR OLDS THAT ARE
SMARTER AND MORE WITH IT AND 40
YEARS OLDS THAT ACT LIKE 102.
THERE’S ALWAYS AN EXAMPLE FOR
EACH AND THE BOTTOM LINE IS OUR
PRESIDENT IS ABSOLUTELY
MOREIFYING.
THAT MONTAGE SHOULD BE THE
CAMPAIGN VIDEO FOR THE
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE OVER AND OVER
AND OVER.
>> Greg: I STILL FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT IT.
>> Emily: DON’T FEEL GUILTY.
>> Greg: I KNOW WHAT AM I
TALKING ABOUT, I HAVE NO SOUL.
KAYLEIGH, I THOUGHT, WHAT IF IT
WERE 30 YEARS YOUNGER?
>> Kayleigh: HE WAS STILL SAYING
THE SAME THINGS 30 YEARS AGO.
THIS IS A GUY WHO’S NEVER BEEN
WITH IT.
BUT THE NEW YORK TIMES, YOU PICK
A COPY UP, THEY SAY THAT EXPERTS
SAY, MR. BIDEN AND MR. TRUMP ARE
IN THE CATEGORY OF SUPER AGEERS
BECAUSE THEY AGE BETTER THAN
THEIR PIERCE.
TRUMP AND BIDEN ARE NOT IN THE
SAME CATEGORY BECAUSE BIDEN
CARRIES AROUND CHEAT SHEETS.
I USED TO MAKE THEM FOR TRUMP, I
WOULD PUT GRAS OFS ON THERE WITH
FACTS THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO
RECALL.
BIDEN’S SAY, YOU TAKE YOUR SEAT,
YOU STAND UP, YOU TALK TO THE
LADY.
SURPRISED IT DOESN’T SAY YOU GO
TO THE BATHROOM NOW.
NANCY PELOSI SAID WE’RE HANDING
THIS OVER TO THE NEXT GENERATION
OF LEADERSHIP.
TALK TO YOUR BODIED OF JOE MAN
BECAUSE WE ARE HE A READY FOR
THE NEXT GENERATION AND IT AIN’T
HIM.
>> THAT’S RIGHT.
>> Greg: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
>> Jeff: IN HIS DEFENSE I WILL
SAY BIDEN HAS DONE ONE THING
THAT NO PRESIDENT EVER HAS.