I had a family come backstage one time
with their grandmother, this older woman.
They were all very nice and there was a pause
and she said, "So, how long have you been in vaudeville?"
I was like, "Wow, I guess since 1910.
I don't know how to answer that question."
Seems like having kids is a good way to make good decisions,
to force yourself into good decisions.
Did you find that?
Like it really got you to straighten up?
Yeah. I mean, as soon as I knew our son was gonna be born,
that's when I got life insurance and all that sort of thing
because it's not about you anymore.
It's like there's this other human being
who demands that I be a better person than I am prior
to knowing that I have a child coming.
It forces you to step up to the plate.
You know, you meet people out on the road
and especially right after your first child is born
and they go, "I've got a little one at home too."
Then they show you a picture of their dog,
and it's always a little awkward when you go,
"Are we really talking about the same thing?"
Or your baby is very ugly.
Right. But you go, and you're trying to be polite,
"Oh, wow. So, we're sharing in this thing.
Yeah. You got a dog and I have a human.
I have a little baby human."
Yeah, the whole dog as babies things.
I mean, my dogs definitely gave me a new sort of responsibility
that I didn't feel prior to having dogs
but I would never put them on the same level as that.
Even, I will go as far to say,
when I talk about having dogs and then someone comes up
and shows me a picture of their dog, I don't care.
I don't know that I've ever seen a dog
that I've really been like, "Wow."
Sorry Noa.
I realize there's people in the room
that will show me their dogs.
And I know you don't care about my dog and I still,
even when I'm showing the picture,
I do know there's no way you care.
It's hard to be taken aback at a photo of a dog,
where you go, "Oh my God!"
I know. Unless they're doing something-
I think it'd be easier for me with the dog than the baby.
Like if a stranger showing you their baby, it's like,
"Yeah, that's just another stranger you're showing me.
I don't care."
Yeah, like it's a new-
Which is weird as well. I get that.
Like I remember looking at pictures of babies
before I had one and I go, "Why are you showing me ..."
What am I supposed to say?
It's a day old, it's got a hat on, and a blanket.
I just see this squished up face.
What do you want me to say?
What do you say?
Looking good. Killing it. Your baby's killing it.
Your baby's so-
Wow, look at that baby with the little nose and everything.
Yeah, what is the best ...
'Cause I always hit that scenario
when someone's showing me a newborn baby and I go,
"You haven't prepared for this."
You know this is coming, let's think of some lines.
Like what are the best ...? "Looks fresh.
Oh my God, that baby looks so young."
That thing looks new.
That's a compliment, right? To say you look young.
Yeah, that is good.
They don't look like a parent, so you can't be like,
"Oh, she looks silly."
She looks rested. Rested.
Maybe something like that.
But then you go to the other extreme where,
when it is your kid, it's a whole different thing.
I remember looking at the sonogram pictures
of my son and going,
"I think he kinda looks like me."
He's not even out here yet and I already see a resemblance.
Yeah, I sometimes just go,
"I can only imagine what this means to you."
I acknowledge that this is something
that I can't possibly understand
how much you love showing me this picture right now,
but I'm so happy for you that you're feeling that,
you new dad.
'Cause you can't get there 'cause it's just ...
And everyone was a baby.
Every single person has been a baby and had people go,
"Awawa." Like everyone. I always think about that.
I did a standup bit about it but like every baby
is just gonna be some guy.
I know, isn't that weird.
When you look at a little baby and go,
"One day, that thing might be holding an attache case."
That little baby's gonna have a three-piece suit on
and going to work.
That baby's gonna be in line at TJ Max some day
debating over that weird popcorn they have.
That's gonna be that baby's future.
"Should I get it. Does anybody want this?"
Is it stale. Yeah, it looks stale.
Why are they selling it?
You can looking at a baby and think,
"At some point in that baby's life,
he's gonna be saying 'Get off my lawn!'"
Or like any little girl ... Whenever I see a little girl
that's just full of wonder and adorable,
I'm just like, "She, one day, is gonna be like,
'Why isn't he texting me back?'"
I want to just grab little girls and be like,
"It's gonna be okay. You're gonna go through so much."
And I know boys go through heartbreak too,
but for some reason little girls, I'm just like,
"You're gonna get screwed over so much,"
and I want to warn them and that's just never-
Wait, we're supposed to text people back?
If you don't know who Brian Regan is,
what is wrong with you? Right Chad Zumock?
I think every young comic or every comic has
Googled Brian Regan.
We've all watched you just learning how we stink.
Well, no. No, no, Brian Regan
is someone that you should not watch as a new comic
because it will depress you so much
because you will compare yourself and you'll say,
"I will never be that." He's one of those people
that everyone becomes obsessed with so early on
because he is the best.
Then you get, even now as a comic
who's been doing it 16 years, I watch him and I get depressed.
So, you got to pick and choose because I'm just like,
"I will never be that." That is how great Brian Regan is.
I'm sorry to just keep going and make you sit here awkwardly.
No, it's very, very, very nice.
But it's true. I just love you
and I'm so excited that you're here right now.
Thank you. That is very, very kind.
I'm that no matter what I say next,
people at home are gonna go, "That didn't sound very funny."
Yep, that's always what happens.
I mean, how often does that happen to you?
No, that's incredibly kind words.
-Well, it's true. -Thank you very much.
And you deserve it.
You know Ron Bennington?
The great Ron Bennington.
The great Ron Bennington, he thought it would be funny
one time to bring me up with an intro
that no one could possibly follow.
This was in a comedy club, he goes,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian,
I don't know how to say this,
but I'm telling you right now, within 10 seconds,
you will literally fall off your chairs.
You will be on your back
laughing at the top of your lungs.
I guarantee you within 10 seconds you're gonna go,
'This is the absolute funniest guy
I've ever seen in my life.'"
So, I went on stage and, of course, bombed after that.
I could possibly follow that?
10 seconds.
10 second rule. You get your money back if you don't-
I love that.
He was just being playful.
That's so funny. But it was fun.
One of the worst intros I ever heard,
and I'll never forget it because as soon as I heard it
I was like, "Remember this forever,"
was in Mason City, Illinois,
the smallest comedy club I've ever been to.
Yes, Mason City Limits.
You've been there? Yeah.
Mason City Limits. It was like an old ...
It's not around anymore.
Yeah, it was like a restaurant.
I mean, this town was literally
a couple hundred people in this town in Illinois.
The guy brought up a guest spot, and he goes,
"And this next guy just sent off a tape to Letterman
and we wish him a lot of luck with that. Keep going."
And this guys ... Sent off the tape
and we wish him a lot of luck with that.
That's so good.
One of the ones I heard was an emcee asked a comedian,
"What should I say about you?"
And the guy said, "Tell him that I'm ..."
This was back when Star Search was on.
"Tell him that I might be auditioning
for Star Search in six months.
Wow, this guy, he might be auditioning
for Star Search in six months.
He hasn't made up his mind but it might happen.
It might happen that he might audition for Star Search.
I got one the other day where this guy was like,
"Alright, your next comic ...
I've actually never heard of this guy.
Let's give it up for Tom.
I've never heard of this guy but I've heard he's good."
You couldn't have just ... It's so good.
Richie Minervini, very funny comedian from Long Island.
When I first went out on the road, he had told me,
"Hey, if ..."
'Cause he ran a club in Long Island.
He said, "If you're ever in town, give me a call."
So, I decided to go out and try to get into comedy clubs
and I gave him a call
and there was a bunch of comedians on the show
and he gets on stage and his intro of me was,
"You know how like sometimes you come somebody,
you meet them, and you say,
'Hey man, if you're ever in town, give me a call,'
and you expect that's kind of the end of that.
Well, this next guy, he called. So, please welcome Brian Regan."
I actually love that story because that's true.
It was so funny.
Most of the time when you say, "Hey, if you ..."
'Cause I do that a lot to comics I meet on the road
and emcees I work with.
And I go, "If you ever want a guest set
or if I'm ever in a town where you happen to be,
you got one. Just follow up." I really do mean it,
but so few people actually are the squeaky wheel
and ask for things when there's opportunities.
And when people do ask me for things,
I always at least give them one shot.
I'll go, "Yeah."
Even if I've never heard of you, for a guest set, if I can give,
I will give it because I like people who ask for things
and believe in themselves. Were you like that coming up?
It sounds like if there was an opportunity, you called,
you would drive out of your way to go do gigs, I mean.
Yeah. Well, I'm gonna date myself
but when I first went out to try to get into comedy clubs,
you had to go to the club. This was pre-VHS tape.
I remember when VHS tapes came around
and people were going, "Now you can just send a tape."
And I'm like, "You got to be kidding me."
I literally would take Greyhound buses to every comedy club
I could get to and go on
and just do a guest set and see if they would book me.
But it was thrilling. That was part of what was thrilling.
It was fun.
I'm this young guy and I'm taking buses
to these little obscure towns and going on
at the Chuckle House in some goofy little city
and seeing if they'd book me. That's how I had to do it.
I agree. I think I look back so often on those bus trips
and staying in comedy condos
and showing up at clubs and not knowing who to talk to.
Way to describe my career.
I mean, yeah, your current career.
But you look back and you go, "It didn't seem bad back then."
People can kind of, "Oh, struggling on the road,"
but it never felt like work.
Now doing that, I would never do those things
because my time is worth more.
But back then, it was exciting, it was fun,
and it was what we loved to do.
You're right. 'Cause it's adventurous.
I remember being on an overnight Greyhound bus
and you're just sitting there and your brain
is going off in a million different directions
and I could hear the woman behind me
talking to the guy next to her,
it was like three in the morning.
She said, "I know my brother killed somebody."
And I'm like, "I don't want to be hearing this."
Am I supposed to get up and go to the bus driver and go,
"Hey, call the police," or do I just let this go?
And I let it go.
So there's an unsolved murder out there
and I think I'm the one that could have put that guy away.
God, yeah. The people you encounter, the weirdos.
Some of the conversations you have.
'Cause yeah, I was just thinking of you in those buses back then.
I mean, yesterday I went to the airport
and I had a full day of travel with a connection.
My flight was at 7:30 leaving LA,
got into New York at 7:00 at night.
Right before I checked my bags,
I wanted to add some stuff to my luggage.
So, I take it out and I put it all in and I check my luggage
and I'm going through security and I'm like,
"Oh, where's my phone? Oh no, oh no."
I just knew that it was in my luggage
that's checked and I'm like,
"I have to go this whole day without my phone."
Thankfully, I didn't know this, you can go back to the desk
and they go rummage through your luggage for you
if you tell them what to look for.
Oh, that's a good tip.
I thought it was long gone.
I was like, "Well, I'm just gonna go throughout my day
without it and hopefully connect on the plane,"
like be able to get my Bluetooth somehow.
Just scream at Alexa or Siri.
That would be a miracle.
I would rather lose a family member than my phone.
I'm being honest with you.
It feels that devastating but I was kind of accepting like,
"I'm just gonna go through my day
without podcasts or my white-noise machine.
Everything that's on phone," but that used to be the way.
I mean, you were just alone with your thoughts.
Yeah, and listening to people.
And listening to people, yeah.
I remember being on one of those long Greyhound rides.
I'm saying some of these bus rides were-
You got status with Greyhound.
Longer than 24 ... I know, you got points.
First class.
I would buy 30-day Ameripasses. You could go anywhere
Greyhound would go for 30 days for one price.
Oh, that's cool.
And I remember one time, just exhausted, sitting in the ...
And the chair, they're not super comfortable,
thinking to myself if ...
Like anytime I wouldn't be able to sleep in the future in a bed,
that I would remember that moment
because, at the time, all I wanted to do was lie down.
And I go, "I get to lie down every other day of my life
and I don't realize what a luxury it is.
So, I'm gonna use this moment to realize what a luxury
that is in the future." And I do that from time to time,
where I go, "I'm not on a Greyhound bus."
That is such a good ... I love that.
I thought that same thing yesterday.
I had a long day of travel
where you just sit on your ass all day
so you go, "Why am I exhausted from this."
You kind of like don't let yourself be exhausted.
But I got home and I was laying in bed and I was like,
"Laying down is amazing!" I didn't get to do that all day
and that's why I deserve this right now
because I had to be upright. That is so funny.
I think that's important
when you're in an uncomfortable situation
that you don't want to be in, mark it in your head as like,
"When I don't have to be in this situation, really enjoy it."
That's how you can get through those.
I do that with being sick, for sure.
When you just can't breath right and you're like,
"Aw, the other day I was breathing good
and I didn't even care. I didn't enjoy it at all."
Well, how about when you're young and your older brother
holds you under water and you're like,
"All I want to do is breath."
Could you imagine if every breath,
when you did come up, for the rest of your life,
you just celebrated with the most ecstatic joy.
"Oh, that's fantastic! Oh my God!
Oh man, the breathing is wonderful!"
But it is wonderful.
We should be like that all the time.
We should be doing that. It is wonderful.
Brian, I just came up with a-
If only we could learn to appreciate it.
I just came up with an idea.
I'm gonna pitch it to you right now.
New Netflix, I know you have one coming out, executive produced
by Jerry Seinfeld: Brain Regan, Back to Basics.
You go back to the comedy condo, you go back to the Greyhounds,
you open up and emcee shows at the Funny Bones,
document it, it sounds awesome, right?
Gee, thanks.
I feel like the Tampa Funny Bone came up with this idea.
That sounds terrible.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Chad just wants someone else living his life as an adult man.
You're gonna get $200 a week.
I get the feeling we're gonna switch places in this pitch.
It's like a fish out of water. It's a fish-out-of-water series.
You stay in your pond and you let Brian
stay in his tank, okay?
Enough out of you.