I
know what you’re thinking, 3DS owners.
And don’t worry, we’re looking out for you, too.
Because the early favorite for Worst Game of 2014…has also landed on the 3DS.
And by “landed,” of course, I mean “crashed.”
Into a vast ocean of regret.
Hey, grab a surfboard, right?
It’s How To Train Your Dragon 2, for the Nintendo 3DS.
It won’t go away.
Now, I’m gonna operate under the assumption that you haven’t seen the two reviews we’ve
already done…of How To Train Your Dragon 2.
I’m going to assume you didn’t even know this game was a thing until this moment.
In which case…holy sh*t, you guys.
You aren’t going to believe this.
Take all the horror stories you’ve heard about Superman 64…
And sprinkle a little fairy dust on them.
Bring ‘em to life.
‘Cause this is Superman 64 with dragons.
Run for your godd*mn lives.
Before we get into this, I think it’s worth exploring the very essence of “bad games.”
‘Cause there are different kinds of bad games.
Some games have bad production, some games have bad ideas, some games have bad controls…and
they all fall into the category of “bad games.”
How To Train Your Dragon 2 goes beyond that.
In fact, to call this a “bad game” would be a slight to bad games.
This is a game that’s bad in a complete and total sense.
I mean, it has bad everything.
Games like this…they go into a special category.
A legendary category.
How To Train Your Dragon 2, no joke, belongs in the same discussions as games like Superman
64 and ET.
Seriously, that’s the caliber of suck we’re dealing with here.
So how does it work?
Well, to the extent that it does, you fly around the island.
I could stop there and have described most of the game.
You fly around the island.
And yes, that’s singular, by the way.
‘Cause there’s one.
So you fly around the island…and there are perches you can land on.
Each perch is a different minigame.
At least, theoretically.
The truth is, there are about five minigames.
And that’s the game.
Fly around, play five minigames.
Ask yourself how it came to this.
So let’s take a look at those minigames, shall we?
Well, in one of them, you shoot wooden vikings with fireballs.
Now, on the consoles, you have to aim using a targeting reticule.
On the 3DS…you just touch them.
Which only breaks the entire game, so far, so good.
Next up, you have to pick up sheep and sort them.
Okay, this sucks.
Know what’s crazy?
These two minigames are actually the best parts of How To Train Your Dragon 2.
You actually look forward to these.
Want to know why?
‘Cause the other ones are all, the, f*cking, same.
And this is where the Superman 64 comparisons come from.
Because this is mostly a game about flying through rings.
And the sick part is, that same principle is spread across all of the remaining minigames.
So after the vikings, and the sheep…the rest of the game is rings.
It’s like the Olympics from Hell.
One of them is flying through rings…on a timer.
Another one is flying through rings…in a race.
There’s one more where you’re flying through rings…to pick up sheep.
‘Cause if you don’t have any ideas, you might as well rip off your own.
And the last one?
Oh, the last one’s the worst.
‘Cause the last one…is just a series of the other minigames, all in a row.
Why?
Why in all the burning layers of Hell would you ever make someone do that?
So obviously, there are about three ideas in this entire game.
And the thing is, none of them even play well.
The controls are nonsensically bad.
Like, this might be one of the worst flight games I’ve ever played.
And the game has so many technical issues, it’s hard to even play through them.
Like, sometimes, the camera just pulls away from you.
‘Cause who needs to see, in a video game?
And when you’re flying downward?
Sometimes, you just end up upside-down.
Who knows, really?
I mean, the game seems unfinished, so…perhaps they didn’t quite get to that one.
Which I understand, ‘cause I didn’t quite get to throwing this game into a fire.
Sometimes, we just run out of time to do the things we need to.
I could go on about this game’s lousy graphics, and gameplay, and music…but I think we’re
probably kicking a dead dragon here.
Even if you like the movie, don’t bother with this game.
In fact, especially if you like the movie.
Don’t let the suck demon ruin it for you.
See what happens when you dig up ET?
The suck demon has been released.