Burnie: I always get really nervous based on who the guests are for this show.
And you two make me especially nervous.
This is Chris and Aaron, you guys know them from Social Disorder.
Chris, I trust you more than I trust him, why don't you start us off?
Chris: Alright, so a million dollars...
Burnie: A million dollars.
Chris: You give birth, once a month, to a miniature version of yourself.
Burnie: Ok.
Chris: And it's like this little bitty baby of you.
And then it goes through it's full life cycle in 2 days...
...and then it dies.
Aaron: In 10 hours or something he'd be old enough to drink.
Chris: Yeah.
Aaron: And so you'd take him to the bar after mmm, half a day?
Give this guy a drink, he's dying in a day and a half.
Chris: (Laughter) He's not going to last long.
Burnie: Get him a drop of whiskey.
Aaron: How long does this last for? Does it last...
Chris: For the rest of your life.
Aaron: The rest of your life?
Chris: Yeah.
Burnie: In 4 years you'd have 48 of these. (Laughter)
Aaron: I know. (Laughter)
Burnie: You would get a system going though, cause you know it's like January...
Aaron: Right.
Burnie: ...and the one comes out and you're like "Ok, we only have 2 days. I need you to dig 12 holes."
All: (Laughter)
Burnie: That had...that had to work in a (unintelligible)
Aaron: Can you drop it off at like, the adoption center and like, not say anything and then they're like aww
and then they bring it in and they're like "What the Hell is going on?"
Burnie: (Laughter) I love the way you think adoption works now, like a, like a Charles Dickens novel.
Aaron: You just drop it off on the doorstep.
Burnie: (Laughter)
Aaron: Please take care of my gentle little Burnie.
Burnie: It's like, "Well, we don't know if we can find a place for this kid."
It's like just wait a couple of days and see what happens.
All: (Laughter)
Aaron: I think it's going to work out.
Burnie: Gotta go, ok.
Is it sad when they die?
Chris: Well...
Burnie: Is it like dramatic? You're like (sad sound).
Chris: For them it certainly is.
Burnie: Do I have to make like a little bed? Like...
Chris: A little death bed.
Aaron: They have little oxygen masks. You have to like, "Remember me." It's like yeah...
Burnie: Yeah, I'll remember you
All: (Laughter)
Burnie: I'll remember you number 28.
Aaron: Outside the window are 48, it's just...
Burnie: You taking that?
Aaron: I can't, I can't take it. I can't, it's too much work. That's way too much work, the graves, the birthing, the potential drop off at the adoption.
I'm out.
Burnie: I'm taking it.
All: (Laughter)
Burnie: And then you can turn the million into a lot more. Just like, with a little show with these guys.
Yeah, I'm taking the money, sure.
You get a million dollars, ok? But, for the rest of your life, whenever you see a kitchen sponge
you eat it. Immediately.
Like you have an overwhelming compulsion to eat a sponge when you see it.
Chris: Are they...tasty?
Burnie: No, it tastes just like a sponge. Chris: It tastes like a sponge? Ok.
Aaron: You can't grab the sugar and be like I just need a little...
do make the sponge go down.
Chris: I like ketchup.
Burnie: If you think that will help, sure. You might be like in the hallway at an office building,
there's a sponge sitting on the side of a janitor's cart, there's not going to be any sugar around. (Laughter)
Aaron: Just covered in filthy mop water, just, just soaking and the juices coming down. Just...
I don't think I could, I live a pretty sponge heavy life.
Chris: Like we were talking about putting stuff on it,
like you could make a hamburger sponge.
Like you, you get a bun, you get some lettuce, tomato, you put a sponge on it, and you just eat it and you're not even going to notice.
Yeah, I would do that.
Aaron: You'd do that? (Laughter)
Chris: I eat anything, eh.
Burnie: Alright Aaron, first time on the show, what do you got?
Aaron: Uhh, it's a pretty mild one.
You get a million dollars, but, once a month for a year you have to go out on a nice date with
Hitler.
All: (Laughter)
Burnie: Let me be perfectly clear.
Aaron: Alright.
Burnie: And I would say this to Hitler.
Aaron: Right.
Burnie: I would say, "Look, if we're going to do this, I'm making all the plans."
Aaron: "Like, why don't we go to Paris?"
Burnie: No, we're not. No.
"We could go...camping."
All: (Laughter)
Burnie: It'd be like, no, I'm not going camping with Hitler.
Aaron: But it would be great because after like 6 dates he'd be like
"Don't you trust me?"
And you give him that one date to try out and then it's just like the restaurant is burning,
you know like, "What, I did this for you."
Chris: It's another thing too, where it's like, after like, the 3rd date he's like
"Well, it's you know, we've been dating a long time."
Aaron: You're talking about going steady?
Chris: No it's like, you know, he wants to take it to the next level.
Aaron: You're watching a movie with him
and he just kind of puts his hand on your knee and you're like "Uhhh."
Burnie: What is the next level with Hitler for you, what is that?
Chris: No, i'm just saying, does he have expectations?
Burnie: Wha-, like what? That you're going to
bang him or that you're going to invade Poland with him?
Which one, what are you talking about?
Chris: I don't know, it depends, I don't know, I- I- I-, it depends on what he wanted.
Burnie: What happens to Hitler, at the end of the year?
Aaron: He dies.
Burnie: He dies?
Aaron: But he dies of, of heartbreak.
Burnie: It's like the last 5 minutes of The Notebook.
All: (Laughter)
Burnie: Be with Hitler.
Aaron: He was just like, "I have...always...was...there...for you."
Burnie: Urgh, that would be the worst.
It's like you had to hold Hitler's hand in bed lovingly.
And the media is there and everything and you'd be the guy that was like "I spent a, my year with Hitler."
Chris: You could write a book though.
Aaron: Mein date.
All: (Laughter)
Chris: Mein date, yeah.
Burnie: I'm gonna say no, I'm going to, I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't want to give Hitler the joy of my company.
Chris: I don't want to hang out with Hitler, he's such a dick.
Aaron: Nah, I wouldn't do it either.
Burnie: Alright. Nobody's taking a million dollars to date Hitler?
Hitler is the Achilles Heel, good to know.