Are you tired of feeling like your needs aren’t being met? Like nobody
understands you and what you want? Like conversations often end in
misunderstandings and frustration? Well, maybe you’re the problem.
Our culture encourages playing people hot and cold. Not showing too much interest. Being
vague. TIps and tricks for making someone fall for you and chase you. Make them wonder. Make
them confused. Leave them guessing. They should know what I want. They should know
what I need and all the other wonderful relationship advice we see on TikTok and
everywhere that were inspired by Chuck and Blair in Gossip girl.
This is episode two in a series I’m doing where I’m breaking down concepts and ideas that I’m
learning about human relationships so that we can all live happily in harmony with one another.
Today, we’re talking about a concept from the book Attached
called effective communication. And although the book focuses more on
romantic relationships, I believe it’s applicable in ALL of our relationships.
So, if you care at all about the way you handle yourself with the people around you,
you need to know this, and I’m here to give it to you.
Before getting to HOW we can use effective communication, let’s talk about WHY.
Effective communication is the quickest,
most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet
your needs. Your date’s response to effective communication can reveal more
in five minutes than you could learn in months of dating without this kind of discourse.
Here are some things to look for when using effective communicating with someone:
- Do they show a sincere wish to understand your needs and put your well-being first?
- Do they try to get to the bottom of your concerns?
- Do they respond to the issue at hand or do they try to dodge you?
- Do they take your concerns seriously or do they
try to belittle you or make you feel foolish for raising them?
- Do they try to find ways to make you feel better or are they only busy acting defensive?
If you’re nodding your head like “yep absolutely!” to the former statements,
then that’s a good sign. If not, then that’s not very promising.
AT THE SAME TIME, we DO carry some of the responsibility to make ourselves
understood. Here’s how we can do that:
How to do it How to use effective communication
Skip the guesswork / theories that build up in your mind (don’t make assumptions)
By spelling out our needs we make it easier for the other person to meet them,
instead of expecting the person to “just know” what’s bothering us and have them guessing.
Yes, we all want to feel like people around us, specifically romantic partners,
are so deeply intertwined with us that they should know exactly what’s bothering us
and how to fix it. Realistically though, we can’t expect someone to know
what we’re thinking. Unless we tell them what’s on our mind, they don’t know.
Making assumptions isn’t helpful
What this comes down to is really Assumptions.
We may assume that they haven’t picked up on our frustration because they simply don’t care
about us enough. We assume that we know what they mean instead of just asking. We hint at what we
need instead of spelling it out, and when they don’t pick up on it, we assume they don’t care.
We’ll rather judge a situation based on assumptions than risk
seeming too eager or too needy. And so, we end up living in a guessationship. I just made that up.
Imagine if we did that with other things though? “Oh, I assume I got a B on that test, but
I don’t know, I’m too scared to look.” Is that how you go through life? I don’t think so. Why should
we act any differently in our relationships, which is the most important thing that we have?
Ask the simple question
Instead, we should just ask the simple question before it explodes into a novel of assumptions.
Let’s say your partner starts planning for,
I don’t know, new years and doesn’t mention you. You may start thinking that they don’t
want you there or maybe you think they don’t want you to meet their friends or whatever.
Instead of assuming, just ask. “I’d like for us to spend New Years together.
How do you feel about that?”
And as Levine puts it, “Whether they say yes or no, as always with effective communication,
you win either way. A red flag based on reality–and not on your anxious assumptions.”
Integration
One of the best things I ever did was talking about these things with my therapist.
Getting a professional, outside perspective is invaluable, and that’s why I’ve chosen to
partner with BetterHelp for this video, and I’m so happy they wanted to be our sponsor today.
BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help you.
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H-E-L-P. Also linked below in the description box.
Wear your needs on your sleeve
Embarrassment, fear, ego–those things come second. You want to be looking after
yourself. You don’t want to be getting strung along by someone else’s agenda.
Do you want to be wasting your precious time on the wrong people?
The right answer to that question is no. No you don’t.
Let’s say you're someone who needs to be reassured a lot by your partner, that they love you and
are attracted to you. Instead of concealing this wish because you’re afraid of sounding needy,
you spell it out, without any apologies. You OWN YOUR NEEDS. This doesn’t make you weak,
it makes you someone who is self confident and assertive.
If you play games, you’ll be attracting other players.
Wear your fears on your sleeve
Fears and needs kind of go hand in hand.
Let’s say you want your partner to call you once a day. It makes you feel reassured and
like they’re thinking about you. That’s your need. And when they don’t do that, it makes
you feel like you’re not on their mind or that you’re not important to them, that’s the fear.
Make them known. And don’t speak in general terms, be as specific as you can.
Be specific
For example, instead of saying something like “I don’t feel appreciated by you” and ending it
there, it’s more effective to state exactly what it is that’s making you not feel appreciated.
You need to give the person a chance of getting it right,
and you do that by stating precisely what is bothering you,
and by doing it in a way that is inoffensive and does not put your partner on the spot,
but rather, that allows them to be open with you without feeling attacked, criticized, or blamed.
Don’t resort to protest behavior
Protest behavior is when we express our need for closeness and reassurance by acting out;
and it’s aimed at getting our partners attention.
We do this in different ways, depending on our attachment style.
Let’s take two examples from the book:
Situation: He always calls at the last minute to make plans
Protest behaviour, which is ineffective communication: Tell him you’re busy whenever
he does that so that eventually he’ll learn to call in advance.
Effective communication: Explain that you feel unsettled not knowing when
and if you’ll see him and that it’s better for you
to at least have a ballpark schedule of when you’ll get together ahead of time.
Another example:
Situation: He hasn’t called for a few days. You’re worried that he wants to end the relationship.
Protest behaviour: When he finally calls, tell him you’re busy. That’ll show him.
Effective communication: Inform him that it is hurtful when he disappears and that
one of the things that you need most in a relationship is for
your boyfriend to make you a priority whenever possible.
I’d like to end with this passage from the book which I think is important to keep in mind:
“It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t
be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response–whether he or she is concerned
about your well-being, has your best interest in mind, and is willing to work on things.”