Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'It is so hot'
Yeah, it is.
'Hello Ladies'
Uninvited is an 80s horror that seems to open at a vet's office
'Paul, get the cat!'
'Code red! Code Red!'
Okay, probably not a vet's office
'Right now we gotta kill that cat'
I bet you felt dumb saying that line and... is all this not overkill for a cat
Ah, mutant cat, although - cards on the table - this is sort of how I imagine all cats
Elsewhere two nubile Spring Breakers hook up with an older man
'Just something to eat Suzanne, no strings attached'
Yeah, right.
'He's just a man, horny like every other guy'
although he does have some good old man chat up lines
'I think you're better than Jane Fonda'
The evening presumably goes well as the next day they agree to go out on his yacht, but,
'You can help us handle this guy if he gets out of hand'
they bring along some guys they've just met for protection
'Alright let's go down the beach and checkout the action.'
Yeah this is going to go well
'I would feel better with a big strongman here to protect me'
But I guess I'm stuck with you.
Now, I know many of you are sick of me pointing out the leery sexism of 80s movies
and I'm sick of doing it, so let's just say this ticks all the usual boxes
'Having to work so hard in this very hot kitchen, I don't know how you can stand it.'
and move on
'So, how is my Captain this morning?'
You see, a woman Captain; it's practically feminist
'Jesus, do you believe this guy'
Back to the plot, we now have a situation that is essentially Donkey Punch with a mutant cat
'I'm taking my little baby with me'
is it nit-picking to say, that an animal which is physically carried onboard is in no way uninvited?
'You know, I heard a cat on board ship is good luck'
is it nitpicking to say I can see the puppeteers arm here?
Or that I saw this scene already
and it did not end well for John Hurt.
There is a similarity, Alien had a mouth of teeth inside a mouth of teeth,
Uninvited has a tiny cat inside a normal cat
the tiny cat seems a lot bigger when it gets out and I'm not sure how it would fit in a normal cat but at some point you gotta stop looking for logic
'You know you have been a major disappointment to me'
If the cat bites you, you die
'A poisonous cat, now how is that possible'
The ship has broken down, stranding it's crew
'That's just awful'
This is a tense situation
'The cat... the cat...'
and yet I'm not feeling it
'It's just a cat'
There's a mutant cat on board that's already killed once, and people don't seem that bothered
'What are you scared of a little cat?'
Even as a man is dying they remain calm and academically interested in the problem
'A cat couldn't have done this, it's right through the shoe'
And my ankle!
'That's crazy, there's no way a cat could do that'
Oh well let's stop and discuss it! Even the guy whose lost the use of his arm
just takes it in his stride
'Just because I lost the feeling in my arm doesn't mean I can't feel other parts of my body.'
That's the spring break attitude
'Here, let me take a look at that boo-boo'
If we're picking nicknames for it I'd have preferred something more imposing;
king snake, Big Al
Tough break, but I still feel he over reacts
'No I'm poisoned! I'm already dead!'
And I'm taking you with me!
Suicide and accidental death -
because apparently she couldn't stay afloat for the 17 seconds before people dived in to help -
are not what you look for in a hidden killer film
'Whose side are you on?'
Nor is steaming yourself,
or eating contaminated food
The cat isn't killing these people! And now the whole mood flips
'Oh God, who cares?'
'Nothing matters'
Lines that are more suitable for a Chekov play than a thriller about a mutant cat
'You are right'
they've gone from not caring about the danger to not caring if they die and if they don't care, I don't care
'What are you trying to say?'
The last surviving characters make a daring escape
Safe at last
'Ah! Rachel it's not over yet!'
Best line in the film. They do survive, but they're not the only ones
Well, that's a different cat. And in kind of an obvious way
'I promise this darling kitty won't be any trouble.'
Possibly it's meant to be the cat inside the cat, but that's not really working either
Are they just implying all cats are evil?
'I'll give you fifteen million dollars to walk out of this room and forget we ever existed.'
Does that offer still stand?
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What are cinemas other most terrifying domestic pets let us know your thoughts in the comments below
Look, I say we just get out of here. We didn't see anything, okay?