(WAPSSSH-PSSSH-PSSSH)
TOP of the mornin' to ya laddies!
MY name is Jacksepticeye, and welcome TOOOO...
is it, eh...
(intro music)
Okay-! (laughs)
I want to slap someone!
Come 'ere!
(bap)
(laughs)
(coughing)
Hooooly fuck!
AHHHH!
Baby fights!
Ba- (laughs)
Oh, I clicked out of the game!
Fuck-
OOOOWWW!!
Did I die?!
(yes)
Ooooh nnnnnNOOOOO!
Oh, that was the best!
I loved the...
TCHH!
Oh, my thing is broken.
(pad appears outside Sally)
(whispering) Are you seeing this?
(still whispering) Are you seeing the giant fuckin' hand that I have?!
Whaaaaaaat...?
I'mma slap everything!
Break the windows!
Oh, mother o' God-
let's go slap some fools again!
I'm wanna slap some ASS!
Lemme slap on dem titties, bro!
Come 'ere!
COME 'ERE!
(bap) NPC: WaaAAAAAAAH!!
(laughs)
(imitates NPC) WWWAAAAAAAAAHAAHA!
Incoming fire!
Get out of the way!
Drive!
YES!
Finish line's in sight!
We got this.
We got this!
Finish in fuckin' STYLE!
See ya later!
(laughs)
Oh no!
OHHHHH SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKIN' JESUS!!
Oh, the car landed on her!
Oh my God, that was gross!
But AWESOME!
Oh, this is gonna be the SHIT!
"Elinima-
"Eliminate all hostiles."
I fuckin' would if you'd stop talkin' to me.
Yes!
OHHHhhh, the guys don't even KNOW what's happenin'!
Ohhh, It's Mister Steal-your-girl!
Mister-
Dead.
(laughs)
Bob: Hey, I understand this puzzle.
I figured it out first, I'm the smartest!
SEE YA!
Jack: (laughs) Bob: Oww...
Jack: (still laughing)
Bob: Ouuuuuuch- SEE YA!
Jack: (trolls Bob)
Bob: You fucking bitch!
Jack: Oh god, sorry! (laughs)
(no you're not)
Jack: Oh, that was-
Bob: Man!
Jack: AWESOME! (laughs)
Bob: You really- you really fucked me, man.
Jack: Ooooh, we have to put another one when we fly.
You know what your problem is, Bob? (smacks hammer on hand)
You know what your problem is?!
No respect.
People these days- they don't got no respect!
(donk)
(laughs hysterically)
I thought I was gonna break his teeth in!
But all it did-
OHHHH yeah!
Ohhhh, Jesus!
No wonder your head exploded!
(laughs)
Bob: Ohhhhh...
Jack: I got it.
WHOO!
Jack: Oh shit, I don't got it! (laughs) Bob: Oh shit.
Bob: (laughs)
Jack: HA!
WAH!
Wait, what?!
Bob: (laughs)
I made you come back! (laughs)
Jack: You sack of tits!
OH YEAH! This is my JAM!
(dances to the sick tunage)
This is wha- this is what gets all the girls!
Just standin' outside their windows with my own surgery music dressed up as a doctor!
(still dancing)
I- I'm very lonely.
(music intensifies)
(Jack performs the Bossitronian mating dance)
(are you aroused yet?)
(you should be)
BEST dance moves!
Best doctor AND dance moves! Alright!
Jack: Ahh ffffffffffuck.
Jack: Ahhh, shhhhitstains! Bob: Hey! I see someone is-
Bob: I see someone's in his shed. Mark: Oh?
Jack: Shitstains! Mark: Wait, okay.
Mark: Okay, I got you covered!
Jack: Oh, COME ON, man! Wade: Ohhh no!
Jack: How did this-...
WHYYY?!? (laughs)
Bob, Wade: (laughing)
Mark: Is tha- is that- is that what I think it is? Bob: (laughs)
Mark: Is that what I think it is? Bob: (still laughing)
Jack: You guys see NOTHIN'!
Mark: We'll give you another shot!
Mark: Wait no no no!
Mark: Let's play- we'll close the door! Bob: Here, what if I open-
Bob: What if we op- OHH God! Hang on...
Mark: Wha- OHHHHH NNOOHOHOHO!
Everyone: (laughs)
Mark: There we go! Okay, there we go.
Jack: I can't move!
Bob: Can we...?
Mark: Okay. Bob: Can we open this other door and help you? Or wh-
Mark: Uhhhhh... Jack: I can't even close THIS door. Bob: Wait. I'm tryin'-
Mark: I'll push you in... Bob: Wait, we'll push i- we'll push you in.
Mark: Hooooooo boy.
Jack: Okay, I can't become anything else.
Let me fuckin' move!
Mark: What if we give you an object?
What if we give you somethin'?
Bob: We're workin' on it. We're wedging you in there. It's fine.
Bob: This is fine. Jack: I'm- I'm pressin' stuff!
Mark, Bob: There you go! There you go.
Bob: You popped in. Jack: Okay. Mark: Okay. Alright. We're gonna look away...
Jack: Okay, okay. Mark: We're gonna close the door...
Bob: We'll just- we'll just leave you. Jack: Okay, okay. Wait, wait wait. I'mma hide really good in here! You guys won't even know.
Wade: (laughs) Jack: Okay. Mark: (laughs) Alright. Alright, cool.
THERE we go!
There we go-
AAAAAAAHHH JESUS!!
AAAAAAHH!!
AAAAHHH!!
DEMON!!
De- PULL OVER!!
GET AN EXORCIST!!
What happened?
Di- did I do that?
Was that my fault?
I do(n't)- ohhhh!
OOOHHHhhhhhh!
OOOOOOHHHHH!
I know you're shakin'-
(laughs)
He's shakin' his head,
like,
"No. I don't wanna!"
"I don't- eh-
TASTE these fingers!
They've only been up my ass for 20 minutes.
TASTE THE FINGERS!!
"No!"
"No. I don't wanna!"
"I d-" (laughs)
(laughs harder)
Jack: Okay. OHOkay, wait! No! Mark: Okay, you have a good one! (smooch sound)
Jack: No, you can look again! (x3) Mark: Have a good day at school!
Mark: Oh, okay.
Mark: Alright, I'mma go- Jack: I changed. I changed!
Everyone: (laughs)
Mark: Alright, 3, 2, 1...
Mark: WooooOOOOOP! Jack: (while laughing) I got stuck again!
Everyone: (laughs)
Jack: I don't know how this happened!
Everyone: (still laughing) Mark: It's the magic closet!
Bob: You know what?
I don't think he needs any help. I think we should just leave him be. Mark: Oh, yeah.
Mark: Woah! (laughs)
Bob: And you know, we'll come back and check on you in a bit, okay, buddy?
Jack: (laughs) Okay. Mark: Yea, we'll be back.
Mark: Alright, you just cook for a bit.
Jack: Guys...
Takin' one o' these home, by the way!
(inhales helium)
(high-pitched) OHHHH, I'm fuckin' slayin' NOW, Bob!
(laughs triumphantly)
(quickly devolves into sickly groan)
HYA!
(laughs)
If the gun won't work,
throw the fuckin' thing at them!
Well, the bullets won't work.
SHUT UP!
AAH!!
Fuck- OWWWWWCH!!
OH I GOT SHOT IN THE CHEST!!
AAAAAAHHH MAN DOWN!!
HELP!!
Oh I thought I left frame.
There was supposed to be a funnier joke about me leaving frame and "man down," but...
Shhhut up.
LET'S GO AGAIN!! (laughs)
I guess that's true as well.
There's so many times when...
Oh God!
OHHH God! I hit my... fuckin' desk.
UMMMM!
Come- come back down! (laughs)
I hit the thing that r- raised my desk to the standing mode!
So you were just disappearing.
(hits thing again)
Bye!
See ya later!
You're la- (laughs)
You're looking at the back of my Dell monitor right now.
Oh God! That's funny.
(kersplat)
(laughs)
(hello door)
Hi! (laughs)
Oh, you blind sack of shit!
(laughs hysterically)
Oh, that was awesome-!
AAAAAHH JESUS CHRIST!!
FUCKIN' HELL!!
RELAX, dudes!
EEEEEverybody's out for blood!
Fuckin' hell I ju-
PSH-PSH-PSH-PSH
Punched him in the ASS!
Oh, cautious!
Cautious!
DEAD!
Jack: Oh, we're all in.
Mark: Here.
Mark: Yep, I'm here.
Bob: Oh, hey. Alright. Everyone ready?
Jack: Yeah!
Mark: Sorry it took me so long.
Wade: Are we doin' our intros?
Bob: All-...
All aboard the SS Boner.
Jack: "The Crevette"?
Mark: HELL yeah!
Jack: What's a "Crevette"?
Wade: SS Boner, we need to sex! What's this g-
Mark: (southern accent) Hey there! Hop on my dick.! *Jack laughs*
Jack: (laughs)
Wade: We need to go deeper... brother.
Bob: We need to go deeper.
Jack: "Coming soon"!
(laughs, then reads question)
(reads 1st choice)
Ah, sure Jesus! Me best friend is dead! I might as well go cry loads.
I'll go into me room,
I'll go back into me bathtub with me ice-cream and I'll fuckin' cry loads, bais. (boys)
Yo you want make some noise again there, buddy?
(weird, squeaky mating call)
(tries to imitate)
I'm goin' through some stuff right now, man, okay?!
Don't judge me!
The sound of a sad, depressed deer.
(deer call) Hu- HAW.
HAWWWWW, HAW, HAW.
That the sound a deer makes?
(toy makes noise) eeeEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
Thaaa- d- I know THAT'S not the fuckin' sound a deer makes.
Bob: Nooooo... Jack: Really?
Bob: What- Why- Wha-? Jack: Come OOOOON!!
Mark, Bob, Wade: (laugh)
Wade: Remember when there were 3 of us were down to like two- NOOOOOOHOho!
Bob: Oh, no! Oh shit!
Bob: Not me! Don't do me! My hand sucks! It's all zeros! Mark, Jack: (laughs)
Bob: Ah, BALLS.
Jack: (laughs) No!
Jack: His hand does suck. Fuck!
Wade: I gave you SO many good cards, actual- oh God!
Bob: You know what?
Wade: Wait...
Bob: Gimme that back!
Bob, Jack: (laugh)
Wade: Bob, NO!!
Bob, Jack: (laugh harder)
Wade: NOO!! Mark: Oh yeah?
Mark: Give ME that!
Everyone else: (still laughing)
Wade: I'm SO CONFUSED!!
(still more laughing)
Jack: Ohhhh, my GOOOOOD!
Bob: (continues to laugh)
(laughs)
THE EPIC BATTLE BEGINS!
And the tortoises are slow as fuck!
CLASH OF THE TITANS!
Uh, let me turn off this.
(laughs hysterically)
(coughs)
OH, that's AWESOME!
Rain o' the fuckin' feathers!
(laughs) The tortoises are takin' all day.
I mean, they're ready and they want to fight!
They're- they're willing!
(starts singing Jurassic Park theme)
OWW!
Jack: These are a bit unwieldy. Bob: Oh my God!
Bob: Jesus Christ!
Jack: JEEEESus FUCK!
Bob: Oh my God! (laughs)
Jack: Okay. GERONIMOOOOOOS!
Bob: Alright, I'll follow you, buddy. Jack: WOOOOOOOOOO!!
Jack: OHHH God! (giggles) Bob: Oh my God!
Jack: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Bob: OH my GOOOOOD!
Jack: This is the best! Bob: It's working!
Jack: OW! Ow! Jesus!
Jack: Fuck. Ow. Bob: Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Jack: 'Kay. Okay- YEAAAAAHAAAAAAAAhaha! Bob: There ya go.
(Morty voice) He- he's a regular ol' Morty clone!
(normal voice) Okay, ummm...
(Morty voice) Wha- "Soapy Suds"?
Morty: Jeez, Rick, I mean...
(normal voice) Oh, God!
Morty: I don't think he's gettin' it, really.
Jack: Uh, you want some of this?!
Rick: All he has to do is put the, uh, the clothes-
(laughs)
Rick: in the washing machine and-
Jack: Shut up, Rick!
Rick: You know it's, uh...
(laughs)
Rick: Doesn't take rocket science to figure that out-
Jack: Sorry!
(bap)
Oh no! (laughs)
I can just punch them in the head!
(laughs)
Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to! (sure you didn't)
Right, okay.
Umm...
"Grab".
Jack: Okay, okay. Bob: Or is it a race? Is the race on right now?
Jack: Yeah, dude.
Oh shit.
Oh shit-
OH SHIT!!
OHHHH NO!! (laughs)
Jack: FUCK!!
Jack: AHHH HELL!! Bob: (starts laughing)
Jack: AAAAAHH I FELL OFF!!
Jack: NOOOO I'M FLYIN'!! (laughs)
Jack: AAAAAAAHHH!! Bob: (giggles)
Jack: OHH CHRIST!!
Jack: OHHHHHH my God-! (laughs)
Bob: I'm gonna w- I'm gonna win the motorcross race. Hang on.
Jack: Oh my God, I actually flew off the bike and I was, like, flyin' flailing through the air!
Jack: That was amazing!
Jack: Uh, I have 30 seconds before I die.
Jack: Why aren't you getting in your car?
Bob: I'm IN my car.
Jack: Uhhh... wha- uh,
you are BEHIND your car, running after it right now! (laughs)
Bob: No, I'm in my car.
Jack: No, you're outside the car and you keep bouncin' on the roof!
Jack: OH my GOD! What is happening?!
Bob: I'm in the car, it's fine.
Jack: No, you're like, running after the car,
and every now and then it'll teleport you ONTO it,
and then you have to chase it again!
That's amazing!
Bob: Man.
Jack: Dude, you're fuc- you're running on TOP of the car right now! (laughs)
Mark: I think we found the root of all comedy. Bob: (some character's line as Torbjorn)
Jack: (as Reaper/Torbjorn) Die, die, DIE!
Bob: Torbjorn is the (laughs) Torbjorn- Torbjorn is the root of all comedy! (laughs) Jack: (laughs) Mark: Yeah- (laughs)
Jack: (as Hanzo/Torbjorn) RYUUGA WA GA TEKI WA KURAU!! (laughs)
Everyone: (laughs)
Bob: (continues laughing)
Jack: Ohh, you can roll on the grass! Look! Weeee! (laughs)
(outro music fades in) Bob: (laughs) How are you doing that?
Jack: Just turn your mouse and you cr- you can- (laughs)
Bob: Oh, that's awesome.
Both: (laugh)
Jack: Weeeee-heee-heee!
Bob: We should roll down the hill.
(outro music)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-
AAAAAAAAHHHH-
AAAAAAHHH-
AAAAHHHHHHHH-