TikTok.
It's the short video app for people
who were bored before the end of the sentence.
But now, Congress is worried
that although the videos might be short,
the consequences could last for a long time.
WOMAN: The app that's taken teenagers by storm, TikTok,
now facing a storm of a different kind--
accused of posing a possible security risk.
With more than 500 million active accounts
around the world,
now all eyes are on the people behind the app.
Two top senators targeting the Chinese tech company
that owns TikTok.
In a letter to the director of national intelligence,
asking for an investigation into TikTok
and other Chinese-based companies,
warning they may pose a national security risk.
This is a threat to American security.
When China has data on 110 million Americans,
who knows what they do with it?
That's right. Chuck Schumer wants
to launch an investigation into TikTok.
But I feel like he's just doing this
so he can have someone come to Congress
to explain what TikTok is.
He's like, "I tried to subpoena my granddaughter,
"but she never returns my calls.
Never returns my calls."
But for real, it would... it would be very serious
if the Chinese can use TikTok for spying,
because, I mean, with this information,
China can learn of all of America's dance moves, you know?
They're just gonna be figuring it all out.
They're like, "Yeah. Oh, yeah, we figured it all out."
That's the thing that's kept the U.S.
ahead of China all this time.
China's there like, "We have nuclear weapons
"and 5G, but we can't figure out how to hit the 'Woah.'
When do you lock?! Oh!"
And keep in mind-- TikTok is, like, 90% teenagers.
So I'm not worried that China is watching me when I'm there.
I'm more worried that the dude
from Catch a Predator is gonna pop up and be like,
"Trevor, what are you doing here?"
"I'm just here for the memes!
I'm just here for the memes! I swear!"
And can we agree on something, people?
At this point, let's just agree
that every app is spying on us, okay?
Just work under that assumption.
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter-- they're all watching us.
The only app that somehow doesn't know your location
is Uber. That is the only one.
-(laughter) -For some strange reason,
they just can't figure it out.
(applause and cheering)
All right, moving on.
If you are a young child just learning the alphabet,
first of all, please stop watching this show.
Uh, seriously, I might say (bleep) at any time.
And, also, it turns out you've been doing it all wrong.
The new alphabet song that's getting mixed reviews.
Yeah, you can say that.
This version aims to get rid of the infamous "L-M-N-O-P"
and make it clearer for kids. Take a listen.
♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪
♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N ♪
♪ O, P, Q, R... ♪
(audience booing)
(laughter)
Oh... no.
First of all, no.
Secondly, hell, no.
(laughter)
And third, this new Kanye album is a real departure.
(laughter)
It went real weird.
Who is this for? Who is this for?
Because if my kid can't figure out "L-M-N-O-P,"
I don't want to make it easier for them.
I just want to know as soon as possible
so I can stop saving up for their college.
I just want to know.
I don't want to waste my money.
I mean, at some point, even as a kid, you would figure out
that "L-M-N-O-P" are separate letters in the alphabet, right?
There's no 40-year-old who's out there who's just like,
"Excuse me. For the Wi-Fi,
"is it upper case 'L-M-N-O-P' or, uh...?
'Cause it keeps saying 'password incorrect.'"
(laughter)
All right, and finally, here's a great new excuse
for drunk drivers to try.
WOMAN: An Ohio man was pulled over for drunk driving,
and a blood test revealed he had twice the legal amount
of alcohol in his system, but the driver swore to police
he didn't have anything to drink,
and turns out, he was telling truth.
Doctors say that man has a rare medical condition
that turns yeast in your gut into alcohol.
It's called "Auto-brewery syndrome."
(laughter, groaning)
Auto-brewery syndrome.
That is the coolest disease... I've ever heard of.
Like, essentially, when this guy eats carbs, inside his stomach,
a team of tiny hipsters turns it into beer.
That's what's happening, you realize that, right?
And obviously, I'm sure there are downsides to this.
Like, for one, he could never run a marathon,
'cause it's gonna be like, "Oh, I got a carbo load."
And all of a sudden it's like,
"Actually, I'm gonna skip the race,
'cause, bitch, I need to dance!"
(laughter)