- When was the last time you masturbated?
- Probably yesterday morning.
- Where was I?
- On that long walk, burning those calories.
And I was doing the same damn thing!
("Allegro" by Wolfgang Mozart)
- My name is Mia.
- I'm David and--
- We're going steady
(laughter)
Isn't that what people say?
- No.
- No
We want to wait until marriage to have sex.
- No we're more like, married.
(laughter)
- So ahead, ask me a question.
- Okay.
- What?
- If our sex life was a porn, what genre would it be?
- Um, yeah, no.
The genre would be wholesome Christian couple.
- I have to be like Bukkake!
(laughs)
No, but I'd say a threesome.
- Okay.
- Gang bang.
- Yeah.
- Bit butts, yeah.
- Yeah (hive fives)
- If you could sleep with any person in the world,
who would it be?
- Will Smith.
- A younger Beyonce.
- Idris Elba.
- Yes, Idris.
We'll take you.
- Probably Hillary Clinton.
- You hate her, though.
- Well, I hate her because I can't have her.
(laughter)
- Just start listing them, we know who's at one--
- Ryan Reynolds could get it, Nick Cannon could get it,
Taye Diggs could get it--
- And next question (drums on table)
(laughter)
- How many sexual partners have you had?
- Oh.
About nine.
- I don't do numbers.
- I have parties in Miami Beach--
- Oh you want to talk about Miami Beach?
That's where I went to college.
- So salut!
- Salut.
- How many sexual partners have you had?
- Hmm.
I think it was 24.
- 24?
That's not right though.
- I can't remember them after her now, you know what I mean?
- Oh, good save.
Is your family going to watch this?
I don't want to be in that.
- I'm not telling them about this.
- Are you attracted to any of my friends?
- No.
- I don't have friends.
(laughter)
- This one is vodka, right?
- Just drink your stupid drink.
- Lenu Eli
You're attracted to Eli?
(laughter)
- Have you ever thought about cheating on me?
Have you ever thought about cheating on me?
(laughter)
- We had a rough beginning, so ...
- Have you ever thought about cheating on me, hm?
- When I was younger in my younger days, I have.
- He sure did.
- But then we talked about it--
- We sure did--
- And then we just had sex together with the person.
- Talk with these hands.
(laughter)
- That's a really big no-no.
With my previous relationship he technically
was already married to somebody else,
and he had kids with that person.
And he did not tell me about it.
And I found out.
(mimics dramatic sound)
- Would you ever consider having an open relation--?
- No.
- I have to finish.
Would you ever consider?
- No.
Consider this foot up your ass.
(laughter)
It's just consider, just consider.
- Yeah, okay.
- Like if I said I wanted to.
- Yeah, I want you to be happy.
- Would you ever consider having an open relationship?
- Uh uh, I'm greedy.
- I mean unless they're cookin'--
- That's what we said.
- And cleaning.
(laughter)
- Oh (laughs).
What would you think if you caught me watching porn?
- Yeah.
- I've never caught her.
I found her dildos and got upset.
- I know, he made me get rid of all my toys.
- Dog, it was like this fucking long, man.
This shit put me to shame (laughter)
- Do you watch porn?
(bottle cap screwing)
- I'm going to say that there's a whole bunch
of definitions that people can describe it by,
so I'm going to make you wonder that too.
- Okay.
(laughter)
I'm feeling really good, so I don't care.
(laughter)
(slaps fly) (bottle falls)
- Got it!
- Do you ever fake an orgasm?
Can you really ...
For a guy?
- No.
- Because I would see it and I'd be like,
"What the hell are you doing?"
(laughter)
- Never in the beginning when you were like,
"I want you to sound more like a porn star!"
And I was like, "OH!"
So maybe in the beginning.
- What's the one thing you would change about me?
- Your beard.
I want it thicker.
- Make you light as a feather.
- You want me to be skinny?
- No, I did not say that.
(deep breath)
- Your belly.
- I just got it.
- I know, but I already want to change it.
- Your brain.
I would do some--
(laughter)
- That's not my body.
- I would give him hair.
That's the only thing that's not there when I met him!
You look exact the same, except your hairline started there.
(laughter)
- Can you not point it out on camera?
(laughter)
- What about me?
- Your booty shrunk a little bit.
- Well you know, I can't always have a fat ass.
- If I was a different race would you still be with me?
- Yes.
- Yes. No, I mean what?
- If I was white. (laughing)
- No.
(laughter)
Is it white?
- No, it says race but we know what they mean.
- Ohh.
- If I was black would you be with me?
- Yes.
I mean how black are we talking?
(laughter)
- I would totally take you in any race,
as long as you have the same--
- That should have been my answer, right?
My answer made me sound hella racist.
- You are racist.
(laughter)
Just so you know.
- If I decided to transition would you stay with me?
- Is it bigger than mine?
(laughter)
- No, I like guys.
So I would want to be with a man.
- You know, people are going to have different definitions
of transitioning.
I would be okay with her.
So yes.
- I'd be your dog afterwards.
- You wouldn't like (mimics sword fighting).
- No sword fighting, no!
- That's rude.
Married for life.
- No.
- When did you fall in love with me?
- It's weird because I feel like the first moment
that we physically embraced, I feel like our bodies
- [Both] fell in love.
- When I first met him.
We went to the club for the first time together.
He got on the stripper pole.
And then here we are seven years later.
So ...
I know that I said it too soon because you got mad.
- So you fell in love with me that fast?
- Yeah.
- Do you think we'll always be together?
Cues Mariah Carey.
♫ We'll always be together
♫ (Scratchy high note)
(laughter)
- Yeah.
- Why wouldn't we?
We have the same goals, same focus, same mindset.
- Really we have the same mindset?
I don't agree with that at all.
- On opposite sides of the spectrum yes,
but we're still trying to reach the same goal.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I think we'll be together.
- I love you.
(kisses)
- I love you baby,
- I love you.
- Regardless of any of the answers, I still love you,
I'll still be with you.
(glasses clink)
- Cheers.
- Are we good?
(clapping)
(high five)
- High five for drinking more than half the bottle.