Previously appearing in this space, on my page right here, was about a thousand words
generally poormouthing Final Fantasy VIII.
By now, you know me, you know what I like… and still, I can’t really come around on
what may be the emoest, the teen angst-est, the most unapologetically broken Final Fantasy.
I hated it the first time I beat it in ‘99, I barely tolerated it the second time I beat
it in ‘02, and I’m still pretty far from “liking it” today.
But the longer a steaming mass like this sits in your rear-view mirror, the more the steam
coalesces into interesting shapes and patterns and you keep turning back, just trying to
give it one more chance.
By all accounts, I should like this game: It’s got one of the most unique magic and
stat-development systems in the series, it’s got the gold standard of parallel sub-games
in Triple Triad, and it’s got a cute Blue Mage, as opposed to a furry or a geriatric
or whatever the hell Quina is.
With glasses, no less!
Why am I not loving this thing to death?
Oh, yeah, it’s because I want to spend the entire game punching this guy in the throat.
And this guy, too.
But mostly this guy.
I realize that it’s setting the stage for character development, and yes, that’s an
important thing and should be appreciated…
but it doesn’t make his fom-toolery any easier to stomach in the early game.
Squall’s part of a strange military academy, focused on training mercenaries and keeping
the hot dogs in short supply so they’ve got a reason to go out there and KILL KILL
KILL.
And from there, in grand Final Fantasy fashion, the plot twists, turns, distorts and eventually
just kinda shrugs and buggers off to Cabo, leaving you with… y’see, there I go again.
Yes, I understand that by reading five synopses and three character breakdowns, and by going
through the game’s data with a fine-toothed comb, it is possible to comprehend the story
in this game.
Everything - well, everything aside from how the hell Ellone does that thing she does - is
explained…
somewhere.
Problem is, that “somewhere” is usually an NPC in who-knows-where making an off-hand
comment in between your pummeling the square button trying to fleece ‘em for whatever
cards they’ve got left.
Because, let’s face it, the card game is the key to this whole monstrosity.
In a game that actively punishes you for levelling up, the ability to swipe cards from unwitting
schmucks, turn them into spells, and turn those spells into stats without seeing combat
one is crucial.
Heck, the game even gives you a means by which to avoid random encounters completely, and
you don’t even need Mog in one of your eight parties.
That’s the real challenge here.
Should’ve just rebranded the game TRIPLE TRIAD!
NOW WITH POCKETSTATION EMULATOR!
AND THIS JERK!
That’s right, this Steam version takes pity on you and gives you a means by which to access
the Chocobo World minigames without having a PocketStation imported… or sent to you
by the ever-lovely Felicity in Worcestershire.
This comes alongside a spate of other improvements, including a general tune-up of some graphical
elements like fonts and whatnot, and of course, achievements.
Including one for finishing the game with Squall still at L7, fittingly named “Contrived
Finish.”
Don’t you know it.
That said, with the move to PC certain parts of the experience just kinda fall apart.
Just look at how unwieldy Zell’s Limit Break becomes.
If you’re playing on a controller, chances are you’re just going to map everything
just like the PS1 version and leave it at that.
Who knows and who cares where the hell Button 7 is?
Well, when you’re trying to input commands - say, during a high-speed train heist - It
fast becomes a pain in the ass.
But grin and bear it, I guess, because it’s Final Fantasy VIII and what were you expecting?
It’s still much, much less glitchy than the original PC release from years and years
and years ago, except for some annoying graphical quirks like this one polygon in Seifer’s
head.
This thing really pisses me off.
Even more than the jerk himself.
Even more than the kinda-mangled audio, which is still one of the high points of the game.
But that’s why PC games have mods, nudge nudge.
So if you’re willing to mod the heck out of this release, investigate every comment
by every NPC, create a complicated flowchart, AND raise your Chocobo like a good boy, you
can “solve” Final Fantasy VIII with this version of the game and some time and effort
on your own part.
And much as I’ve disparaged the game, I’m still trying to work it out.
It’s like a doomtrainwreck.
I don’t want to stare, but I can’t look away.
I have Jerry in Jonesboro Arkansas for this most recent quandary, one that’s got me
blue-screened as I try to balance “getting materials and AP” with “not gaining any
experience points ever.”
And, y’know, not punching Squall in the throat through my laptop screen.