( PIANO RIFF ) WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
END OF A LONG WEEK FOR DONALD TRUMP, JR.
( LAUGHTER ) HE HASN'T BEEN UNDER THIS MUCH
STRESS SINCE HIS FIRST JOB INTERVIEW.
"I SEE HERE ON YOUR RESUME THAT YOU'RE MY SON.
SPECIAL SKILLS, HAVING MY SAME NAME.
YOU'RE HIRED."
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE
LIKE THAT MEETING WITH THE RUSSIAN LAWYER MIGHT NOT JUST
MEAN TROUBLE FOR DONALD TRUMP, JR., BUT ALSO THE OTHER CAMPAIGN
STAFF HE INVITED, PAUL MANAFORT AND JARED KUSHNER.
ERIC TRUMP WASN'T INVITED, BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID HE'D
TRY TO TAKE OFF THE RUSSIAN LAWYER'S HEAD TO SEE IF THERE
WERE MORE LAWYERS NESTING INSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) TOO DANGEROUS.
THEY COULD NOT RISK IT.
INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT IS WHAT THAT WOULD BE.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND WHO WAS THE INTERNATIONAL OPERATIVE WHO SET
UP THIS CLANDESTINE MEETING?
NONE OTHER THAN MUSIC PUBLICIST AND OLD GUY AT THE RAVE NO ONE
WANTS TO DANCE WITH, ROB GOLDSTONE.
GOLDSTONE RUNS A PUBLIC RELATIONS COMPANY IN ENGLAND
NAMED "OUI 2."
WHICH IS ALSO WHAT TRUMP ALLEGEDLY ORDERED IN THAT
RUSSIAN HOTEL ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ALLEGEDLY!
GOLDSTONE IS A SHADOWY CHARACTER, BUT MY TEAM OF
EXPERTS WERE ABLE TO DIG UP SOME EVIDENCE ON HIM THROUGH A
COMPLEX HACKING METHOD CALLED "VISITING HIS FACEBOOK PAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE'S CLEARLY A MASTER OF
DISGUISES.
HERE HE IS AS A CHEF, PIRATE SHRINER, AND MEXICAN WRESTLER.
CLEARLY THE MAN HAS SPENT DECADES DEEP UNDERCOVER IN A
POP-UP HALLOWEEN STORE.
BECAUSE IF GOLDSTONE WEREN'T AN INTERNATIONAL SUPER-SPY, WHY
WOULD HE HAVE OTHER IDENTITIES, LIKE THIS VIDEO --
>> I LIKE TO CONDITION AND MOISTURIZE MY HAIR.
I'M A GOOD GIRL.
>> STEPHEN: JIM, THAT'S THE WRONG FOOTAGE.
I DIDN'T ASK FOR AN INTERNATIONAL SUPERMODEL.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
OF COURSE, WITH DON, JR. AND JARED KUSHNER EMBROILED IN
SCANDALS, PRESIDENT TRUMP CAN STILL TURN TO SENIOR ADVISOR AND
MAN DRINKING QUIETLY AT THE BACK OF THE BOWLING ALLEY, STEVE
BANNON.
( BOOING ) LOT OF STEVE BANNON FANS
TONIGHT.
WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM BANNON IN A WHILE, BUT HE'S BACK IN THE
NEWS THANKS TO A NEW BOOK CALLED "DEVIL'S BARGAIN."
WHICH IS ALSO THE NAME OF STEVE BANNON'S SIGNATURE COLOGNE.
( LAUGHTER ) AN EXCERPT OF THE BOOK WAS
PUBLISHED THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK MAGAZINE, AND IT'S FULL OF JUICY
DETAILS LIKE HIS RIVALRY WITH JARED KUSHNER, WHO BANNON SAYS
WAS TRYING TO "SHIV HIM AND PUSH HIM OUT THE DOOR."
OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW JARED'S A BAD-ASS.
I HEARD HE WAS CAPTAIN OF HIS PREP SCHOOL'S SHIV TEAM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD SHIVVING?
AND ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, WHEN THE PRESIDENT FIRED JAMES COMEY,
BANNON WAS AGAINST IT.
BUT ONCE THE BACKLASH HIT, TRUMP TURNED TO BANNON TO "CREATE AN
OUTSIDE WAR ROOM" TO "PUT A PROPHYLACTIC AROUND THE OVAL
OFFICE."
SO, AT LEAST NOW WE KNOW TRUMP IS USING PROTECTION WHEN HE'S
SCREWING US.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: IT'S SO IMPORTANT.
( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S SO IMPORTANT.
>> Jon: IT'S IMPORTANT TO USE PROTECTION, HUH?
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AND YOU NEED NOT WORRY ABOUT STEVE BANNON'S
SELF-ESTEEM.
THE BOOK REVEALS THAT HE OWNS "AN OIL PAINTING OF HIMSELF
DRESSED AS NAPOLEON IN HIS STUDY."
WE JUST HAVE REPORTS, NO IMAGE OF THE PAINTING, BUT I HAD MY
GRAPHICS TEAM WORK UP A RENDITION.
HERE'S THE ORIGINAL.
AND HERE'S BANNON.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOKING GOOD.
HE'S HAD A LITTLE WORK DONE.