(jazzy music)
- Healthy walking, speed walking, is what you need to do
in the DC mall.
Look at these guys right here.
I need everyone's papers.
- How did you get here into this country?
- No more dreamers.
No more dreamers.
Mike I'm so tired this is so exhausting.
- We've walked probably 80 steps.
- When are we gonna get a Cinnabon Mike?
- At the end you have to do a full workout
to get your treat.
- Whoa!
(ominous music)
Who's that big red fat guy?
- Well that's Santa Claus sir.
- How come he's getting all the attention.
- Because kids love Santa Claus.
- I'm the only big fat red guy
that gets attention around here.
Paul, take him out.
Take the shot Paul.
- Don't do it.
- Come on Mike let's go.
- Alright sir, we're just gonna take
a quick little break everyone.
- You you're out of here.
Santa get him out, get him out.
- [Mike] Santa's gonna be right back.
- You listen to me fat man, I'm the one
everyone's supposed to like
and you're not gonna take that away from me.
- Should we go or?
- Shut up Mike.
You're gonna get naked.
- I think it probably would be best if we just,
- Send him to Guantanamo?
Yeah take him.
- Just give him what he wants.
- Take him.
- Alright alright alright, I'll take it off.
- Take it off, nice and slow so I can see everything.
- No you don't, that doesn't, that's not part of it thought.
The slow part,
- It is for me Mike,
it is for me.
(playful music)
You guys the real Santa's here, the real Santa right?
Okay little one come on up.
Whoa whoa whoa, where's the seat.
- [Mike] Sir, sorry sir.
Just for sanitary purposes, go ahead.
- [Trump] There we go.
- [Mike] There you go.
- Now what's your mother want to get, hi honey how are you?
Do you have a father?
- Yes.
- Is he still married to your mom?
- Yeah.
- Great, forget it.
What do you think of Mitch McConnell, jerk right?
- Who is that?
- Exactly, nobody knows, 'cause he's a total nobody.
You know what Mitch McConnell wants for Christmas?
A chin, right?
Am I right?
What do you think of Donald Trump?
- I think he's mean.
- Mike shut up.
- I'm not saying a word.
That's exactly right.
- Do you like Donald Trump?
- He always lies and he always says, you're fired.
- That's right, he does say you're fired.
- He tells the truth.
- He always tells the truth.
- All the time.
- No, he always tells lies.
- Whoa, what am I on trial?
- Yes. - Not yet sir.
- Ow.
(laughs)
ow, get her out of here.
- Him too.
- Ow, ow.
Ow.
This whole thing is dumb.
And the presents aren't even real, okay?
And these kids believe it's some mythological character
that doesn't even exist.
- I think they can hear you.
- Who cares Mike, let's face it, I'm done.
Paul, Paul, come on.
There we go, whoa.
- I guess I can always step in and take over.
Okay,
(Christmas music)
- Damn kids.
I mean what do those kids know about respect,
I'm the President of the United States and Santa Claus.
They don't respect anything.
There we go.
(slurps and chews)
- Do you remember the reason for the season?
The birth of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ.
Let me quote you from the book of Isaiah.
- I don't need them.
Wait a minute,
by George I think I've got it.
Enough, we're not doing this stupid Santa thing anymore,
we're doing an old fashioned rally, you understand me?
Get this out of the way.
- Oh really perfect.
Children, children, gather round here,
come down to the front here, wonderful, very good.
Ladies and gentlemen the Santa Claus of the United States
of America.
Yay, wonderful.
(scattered applause)
- There are millions of children who couldn't even get
into this rally, it's so unbelievable
and let me tell you something kids.
We don't need homework anymore anybody,
we're gonna get rid of the teachers.
(kids cheer)
It's time to drain the swamp.
- [Kids] Drain the swamp, drain the swamp.
- [Trump] I love it.
- [Kids] Drain the swamp.
- [Trump] There you go.
- [kids] Drain the swamp.
Drain the swamp.
- And I can promise that all of your mothers
will get you literally everything on your Christmas list
or they're going to jail.
Lock her up. - [Kids] Lock her up.
Lock her up.
- [Trump] Beautiful.
Get him out, get him out of here.
Get him out yeah.
Get him out of here.
It turns out mall Santa's and I are a lot alike.
We both promise gifts we never actually plan to deliver.
But for some reason people keep believing in us.
(cheers and applause)