Well, hello and welcome to this episode of The Terri Cole Show that I wanna start with
a question. Have you ever been in a relationship or are you in one now with someone that, you know,
if you don't do what they want you to do, they will make you suffer for it? Where they use fear,
obligation, and guilt to basically manipulate you to do what they want you to do? Anybody? Well
then this episode is for you because in today's episode, I am breaking down emotional blackmail,
what it is and how to spot it so you can not be a victim of this super painful, dysfunctional,
abusive cycle. So before we get started, if you happen to be new to this channel,
please say hello because we are a friendly group in the comments. And please make sure that you
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Okay, if you don't know me, my name is Terri Cole, I'm a licensed psychotherapist,
a relationship expert, and the author of Boundary Boss, which you can get at boundarybossbook.com.
I also love to highlight your comments and say, thank you so much for participating in
this channel the way that you do, because it really means so much to me that you are here.
So I wanna highlight Heather Travis under the episode Need For Order or Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder? "Thank you for doing this. I have what was once referred to as pure "O" OCD because my
compulsions are mental and not seen. I was in agony for years and had no idea it was OCD until
I was self-admitted because I could no longer cope. Just thank you for spreading awareness.
There is so much hope for those with OCD, but knowledge and the proper diagnosis is vital.
Our culture definitely has a habit of throwing around the term OCD inappropriately, but I realize
it's because of lack of awareness. Thank you. This video is going to help so many people." Why
thank you so much for saying so, Heather. Travis, I appreciate you and appreciate that you are here.
All right, let's move on into today's content. What is emotional blackmail? Well,
it's a dysfunctional form of manipulation that people use while they demand or threaten
the victim with some kind of punishment or fear or humiliation or embarrassment if they don't do
what they want them to do. So there's this undertone, right? It's implied like you will
suffer if you don't do what I want you to do. So the term itself emotional blackmail
was, um, introduced by Susan forward PhD in her book, emotional Blackmail,
When the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. So what Dr. Forward
talks about is this is a tactic that's used when an abuser is threatening the people in
their life to get what they want. But what it does is it creates feelings of fear, guilt, obligation
in the victims themselves. So the abuser is always diverting blame onto the victims for
the way they feel for their frustrations. And it can be incredibly confusing, especially if
you have a history of this experience in your life. So Forward and Frazier, which are the
two sort of leading therapists in this field, created this term FOG for fear, obligation,
and guilt. And those are the things that if you're being victimized by this, that you feel this is
between, right? The manipulator and the victim. You are feeling fear, obligation, and guilt.
And those are the levers that they're pushing to get you to do what you're doing. And the truth is,
it makes sense because the word, the acronym is FOG, because it actually creates a fog in the
victim where you're so unclear of, are you doing something wrong? Is what they're saying accurate
or your gut instincts that says you're being manipulated? Is that accurate? And it's really
painful, right? And a lot of times this happens in really close relationships like romantic
relationships. And again, you might have had a parent, so we'll get to that later in the episode,
I created a guide for you that's gonna help you answer a couple of questions so you can sort of
do an inventory of a couple of questions for a blueprint and then a couple of questions for where
you are now in your relationship. So the confusion is really massive for the victim. Also, what's
happening with, if you are being emotionally blackmailed, someone is taking information
that you told them about yourself and a vulnerable moment and using it against you,
threatening that they're going to tell someone about that to humiliate you,
embarrass you. So if you don't do what I want, I will leave you, I will tell your secrets to
your parents, I will not love you anymore. And then there's another way of flipping it,
especially if the victim is a codependent, where you already feel overly obligated.
So they'll use the emotional tactic of the obligation. They'll say, "after everything
I've done for you, after how hard I work for this family, I can't believe you're not going to
support me in spending this money on this car that I really want, that's gonna make me happy" again,
like diverting attention away from can we afford this car, right? And putting it on you are an
unsupportive partner and spouse after everything I've done for you, basically. So part of what
ends up happening, where the victim becomes very confused is that they're covert techniques. So
it isn't like someone is overtly like threatening you so that you could see it so easily. A lot of
this threat is implied, so it's very confusing. And what can that do that can make the demands of
the other person kind of seem reasonable, that can make you feel like you are being a selfish jerk
for not doing what they want. There's gaslighting that happens here, which makes you feel like
you're crazy, where what they're saying makes sense and what you're saying, how you feel,
you are doubting or denying how you feel if you're in a relationship with someone where
it's their way or the highway, like in all the things this makes you stop even talking about
how you feel or what you want, it's like, you know, you've signed on for whatever you guys
are doing together as a family or as a couple, that it's really all about the other person
and what they want, their boundaries, their limits, their desires, and really think about
it in these types of relationship, the sacrifice and the compliance piece.
It's like one person is doing that and that's the person who's being victimized by the emotional
blackmail, right? The other person is not giving in. They're finding ways to make you do what they
want you to do, basically. But compromising is not a part of that. And of course, obviously I don't
need to tell you to have a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to compromise.
So Forward and Frazier, these two PhDs, they wrote this book, they've identified four different types
of emotional blackmailers. So you have the punishers who they operate with the need to
get their way regardless of the feelings of the other person. They literally don't care. So their
motto is straight up my way or the highway, that's it. So they will insist on pushing for
control and getting what they want with threats to inflict damage or harm to the other person.
Then you have the self punisher individuals that make threats of self harm,
right? If you don't comply with what I want you to do, I'm gonna harm myself. If you don't
come pick me up, I'm gonna drive drunk. If you leave me, I'm gonna kill myself, right? That is
a manipulation tactic as well. But those are the self punishers. Then you have the sufferers. Now
this is the voice of a victim conveying guilt on the partner if they don't do what is demanded.
If they don't comply, there's a suggestion that their suffering will be their own fault.
So that's the third type of emotional blackmailer where they're basically putting it on the victim,
right? And they're also saying, you're making me suffer.
That's the example of someone saying, after everything that I've done for you,
I can't believe you would deny me this. Basically. And tapping into
most of us, especially if you are a high functioning codependent or a codependent,
the worst fear is that someone's gonna think that you're selfish or that you're only thinking about
yourself. But when someone is emotionally blackmailing you, it's like a systematic way
of making you believe that if you do not do everything the other person wants, you're selfish.
And then the fourth category that these women have created is called the tantalizers. And this can be
the most subtle and sort of confusing form because it's almost like a promise that things will get
better if the victim complies. So it sparks hope in the victim. Well, if I do this thing, then
things between us will get better, but it's still really obviously a form of manipulation, right?
Because clearly you wouldn't be with an emotional blackmailer if things were
actually gonna get better, right? It's just a way to get what they want. So who are people who tend
to use this tactic? People with narcissistic tendencies, people who are self-centered,
people who have intense anger issues, deep depression or deep fear or deep rage,
fear of abandonment, emotionally immature. And this is a really important one. They're very
tit for tat. They're very bean counting. They're don't have any capacity to see that compromise
and empathy and compassion, they have to be a part of a healthy relationship.
Massive lack of accountability. They're not in touch with their own feelings and they
hate to lose. They are super sore losers. And then who are the people who are drawn
to this type? What are the qualities? Approval seeking people pleasing, empathic,
right? So you might be an empath. So you feel all of these feelings. You might have extreme
compassion for other people. And so you're more easily manipulated than those who don't.
Tendency to blame yourself for things, you know, or take the blame if something
goes wrong. Always thinking like, it must be me. Maybe I did something. You're kind of a
peacekeeper. Those of you who took my Boundary Quiz, you can take it at boundaryquiz.com.
That's one of the archetypes of disordered boundaries is the peacekeeper, strong sense
of responsibility to sort of do the right thing. You might also have a fear of abandonment. Fear
of anger, fear of someone else's anger is major and you may have low self-esteem or self doubt.
So what does it look like, right? Especially in romantic relationships, we see so much of this.
So let's just say an example is somebody, you know, cheating in a relationship and then
basically flipping the script on their partner and saying, well, if you had fulfilled my needs,
I wouldn't have stepped out. Again, finding a way like all roads lead back to the victim
being the one who didn't do the right thing. And that can be really painful to hear from a partner,
even though it's so mean, right? And you know, from a macro view, we can look at that and go,
hello. It's just a way to not take responsibility. But when you're in it, that's where the fog comes
in, right? Fear, obligation, and guilt. So it's so difficult when you're in this situation to
see things with clarity and someone cheating on you and then blaming you for not fulfilling
their needs can make you go, is it me? Like maybe I'm not doing the right thing.
Other forms of let's say emotional blackmail or other situations, maybe how can you say you
love me and still be friends with those people? If you ever stop loving me, I'll kill myself.
If I ever see another man look at you again, I will kill them, right? Again. How scary is
that? Even if they're not saying it at you it's as if you can control the other person. Someone
being really rigid in their boundaries, like, I'm taking this vacation with or without you.
Again, no conversation. No ability to meet in the middle. All manipulation. But it's so painful.
And blaming, again, back to the blaming, you know, blaming, I was late for work because you
didn't do this right? If you didn't cook fattening foods, I wouldn't be overweight. If you had done a
better job with the kids and at home, I would be further along on my career. Again, wrongly
blaming you for what they haven't done. Wrongly blaming the victim for things that the perpetrator
actually is in real life responsible for. And then you have the whole thing of people are
separating or you know, again, if you divorce me, you'll never see the kids again. I'll get the best
lawyers, I'll make you suffer. You'll destroy the family. You'll be sorry. And then parents
can say, I'm cutting you out of the will. If you do this, I'll get sick. You're gonna kill
me if you stop contact with me. Like, I'll die. Or even just someone saying like, I can't live
without you is emotional blackmail. Because what is the implication? What
is the implied threat? That that person is gonna die. You may wanna break up with them,
but you may not want them dead. And it is so devastating to be on the receiving end of this.
And I wonder what your experiences are. Are you having this experience? Have you had
this experience? What did you do? In the guide that I'm giving you, go to terricole.com/guide,
answer a couple of questions to understand your history if you are vulnerable
to emotional blackmail from others. And then a couple of questions for you to be able to
assess where your relationships are right now. Are you having this experience? And one last thing
I wanna say about this that is so important is that boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
are probably the most important way for you to assess whether the other person has the capacity
to change. And listen, as always, we don't make any changes if you are in a violent situation,
if you are in a physically abusive, if you think that setting a boundary with someone is gonna make
them harm you, then no, there's a better way of getting out of that relationship. Because if you
are already in an abusive relationship physically, I wouldn't want you to try to change anything. I
would want you to figure out how to safely leave. And I did an entire blog and video on that,
so I will make sure that it's linked in the show notes for you. But if that isn't your situation,
starting to acknowledge like, yes, in the past I have complied with all these things and now I
want it to be more equitable, and I want to talk about how it can be more fair, how
it can be more even. I sometimes wanna do- us to do the things that I want to do. And
as you start shifting in the beginning, you'll certainly see the person having feelings about it.
But if the person isn't completely pathological and if they have the capability,
there may be a shift in the other person's behavior. But again,
we have to take responsibility for our 50% of the participation, right? I always say this,
every relationship, it's 50% you and 50% the other person. And your 50% if you're in this situation,
is how you're responding. And don't get me wrong, I'm not victim blaming. I'm not saying it's your
fault, but there's no way that we can change the situation or that I can help you change it
if we are not clear about what your 50% is. We can't just keep doing the same exact thing and
expect something different to happen because that's just not the way it works in the world,
and it's certainly not the way it works in relationships.
So I would love to hear what your thoughts are on emotional blackmail. Have you had
experiences? What have you done to change it if you have? I really hope that this opened your eyes
to something if you are experiencing this, because I know how incredibly painful it is
and how incredibly painful it can be. But there are things that you can do
to change your situation. So please go to terricole.com/guide to do those inventories
so you can get a more clear view on where you are in your relationships right now. I hope you guys
have an amazing week of self-reflecting and as always, take care of you.