Well what? Are we going to start or am I just supposed to sit here until my vagina falls asleep?
Well for an actor be a success
they have to have the face of Venus,
the brains of Minerva,
the grace of Terpsichore,
and the snatch of a whore on 34th Street.
Today for the first time ever on film, I will be teaching you
the art of The-atre
If you're early you're on time, if you're on time you're late, and if you're late
don't even bother showing up
Okay! Okay! Enough!
Enough!
Jesus Christ
I'm going to sue you if you've damaged my instrument.
I didn't even have to put up with this on the Disney Cruise.
I've brought some of my acting students into the studio today and I will be
teaching my acting class exactly how I teach it at Julliard.
And for the first time ever
You have a front-row seat.
What? Are you waiting for God to come down and lick your asshole? Start!
I-I...
Stop!
[censored]
Did your mother drop you as a child or did you just eat paint-chips for fun?
You're supposed to be his lover not his nanny.
Make him want to suck your juices like a Capri-Sun Pouch. Go!
I-
No! [censored] Wendy you're out. Crystal You're up.
Crystal. Tell me. Like I'm a [censored] moron.
What are the character's intentions in this scene?
The intention is always
"I want to [censored] you"
I don't care who you're talking to you could be talking to your husband,
your brother,
your mother, the bag-boy at the local Piggly Wiggly,
you want to [censored] them.
Uh to...help him.
No!
Uh to hurt him?
No.
Um...
to [censored] him?!
Yes!
Go!
I love you- I need you!
Yes!
Yes! You just blew my tits off!
Clean off!
Stay in it, keep going, yes....
Now that you're here-
No! [censored] Joaquin.
You're supposed to be a sex-god and you just made my va-gina shrivel up like a prune.
When I played Cecily Cardew opposite of Humphrey Bogart in Kubrick's
off-off Broadway production of The Importance of Being Earnest
set in a 1930s dystopian battleship
Humphrey had me so goddamn wet
they had to keep three spare pairs of panties offstage
Just so I could make it through Act One!
That's what you have to do and if you can't do that
sit the [censored] down.
You're sitting?
That's what I thought.
I'm gunna show you pussies how to take a fat shit on the stage and say
"God Damn it world, this is who I am!"
I was the one who found him.
Cigarette smoke billowed around me
his musk consumed me.
His hair. Oh his golden hair, how golden it was...
But Death,
sweet, sweet Death claims all and spares none
and Death took my lover and left me here
to rot alone in Belle Reve
But Mama
[soft piano music plays]
I'm a moving picture actress now Mama.
I'm a star.
And I made my dreams come true the way you never could
the way you said I never would.
And Mama
I will not die
I. Will. Live!
[applause]
[applause stops abruptly]
That's [censored] theater
and until you can do that get the [censored] out of my classroom.
Class is dismissed.
I'm Helen DuPont and this is my Masterclass
Still got it, bitch.