- I've been in a relationship
with my boyfriend, Peter, for 11 years now,
and folks will often say to me,
"Your relationship is just so solid."
And I never know exactly what to do with that
because, to be honest, it doesn't really feel solid.
So here's why I think solidness in relationships
might be more of a myth than we realize,
and why that can actually be a good thing
if a long-term relationship
is something that you are striving for.
This whole video, though, needs a big old disclaimer,
that being in a long-term relationship
is not what makes you a valid or a whole person,
that there's lots of ways to structure relationships
that can be fulfilling for you.
Though our culture reinforces this idea,
that there's supposed to be one person for life,
not everyone wants that, and there are other ways
to structure your life and your relationships.
I'll put some of those in the descriptions down below,
they include relationship anarchy,
solo polyamory, lots of other things.
And just because a relationship ends,
it doesn't mean that relationship was bad,
or a waste of time, or not healthy.
Breakups suck, but sometimes
they're a necessary part of our relationships.
Okay, so let's dive in.
But before we get started, if you don't already know me,
my name is Brian G. Murphy.
I'm an activist, educator, and certified relationship coach,
and I'm here to help you build and sustain relationships
that are fun and fulfilling.
I'm coming up on my 11th anniversary
with my boyfriend, Peter.
Well, my official anniversary, depends on how you count it.
We had our first date, aka hookup, in January.
And so, as I've been approaching that sort of milestone,
I've been reflecting back on our time together,
and then also how people perceive me and us
as people who have been in a relationship for 11 years.
And I think that there are some myths and misconceptions,
and I think part of that is just
the way media presents relationships,
and then also it's part of the way
that we talk about relationships.
And I realize that I might be contributing
to some of the stereotypes about
what a long-term relationship actually looks like
on a day to day basis from the inside.
So I don't wanna do that anymore.
I talk here on this channel
about the good parts of my relationship,
and the benefits and the joys
of open relationships and polyamory,
and how to try and make that work.
And when I do talk about conflict resolution, or other tools
for getting through the hard stuff, like breakups even,
I talk about what is working, because I wanna be helpful,
but I don't want to give the impression
that it just always works, and is always smooth sailing,
and is always this well-oiled machine.
That's just not how I experience my relationship,
and I don't think that's how
anyone experiences their relationships.
I know I've worked with dozens and dozens
of guys and couples and throuples
in open and polyamorous relationships,
and the ones that are healthy and thriving
also have conflict sometimes, and have things
that they need to navigate or work out or figure out
together or on their own, that's a part of the process.
I've been with Peter for 11 years now,
and so obviously something is working enough
that it has kept us together all this time.
I'm really happy in that relationship,
it's a positive force, I want it to continue
as far into the future as I can see.
But that goodness and functional-ness and healthiness
and happiness and fun-ness and sexiness
doesn't necessarily translate into
it being this solid rock of a relationship.
We have our ups, and our downs, and our ebbs, and our flows,
and I think part of that is what has
helped us get to this point together.
And I wanna share some of the not solid things
that I think have absolutely contributed
to the success of our relationship.
We were monogamous
for the first year and a half of our relationship,
and then at that point we decided
to open up our relationship.
But it took us about eight months
to go from having that initial conversation about,
should we do this, is this something that we wanna do,
to actually deciding to do it.
And I know that for me, I was thinking about it
for at least a few months before I talked to him about it,
and I don't know if or how long
he had been thinking about it,
but it was definitely a process.
And so that period of eight months in the middle there,
there was a lot of uncertainty
about what our relationship would look like,
and were we gonna do something to mess it up,
and sort of taking apart the model
that we had had up until this point,
and then putting it back together in a new way.
And I think that's something
that is gonna happen over and over again,
of breaking down our expectations
and putting them together in a new way that works for us.
And then three years into our relationship,
we decided to take a break from our relationship.
This is something that we told our close friends,
it wasn't a secret by any means,
but we didn't necessarily
broadcast it on social media, or blog about it,
I didn't tell my parents about it,
it was partly private, partly public,
but definitely not a secret and not a shame.
And we were officially separated for nine months.
We kept in contact in the beginning,
we talked pretty regularly to figure out
what it would look like going forward,
and then we took a break, and maybe only talked
by text or G Chat every week or so.
At some point we started
getting together for a weekly dinner,
just to sort of check in and see each other.
And then over the course of those nine months,
we started seeing each other more and more,
and started hooking up again,
and eventually decided to make it official again.
But altogether, there was this nine months
of unofficial break, and I think that space,
at least for us, was an opportunity
to get some clarity on what we wanted,
to find ourselves again, I know that we had become
very sort of enmeshed and on top of each other,
and it was hard to find ourselves.
And so we were able to separate a little bit,
and then come together as two whole individuals
to chart a new life forward.
And I definitely credit that break
as part of the success of our relationship.
Breaks don't work for everyone sometimes.
Breaks don't always turn into long-term, successful...
Taking a break doesn't always translate into
getting back together and being together long-term.
Sometimes taking a break gives you the clarity that you need
to end it for good, and that's okay too.
And then over the past 11 years,
we've had conversations where we've sat down and said,
"Do we still wanna be together?
I'm not sure, I've had doubts, I don't know what I want,"
and we've talked about, do we want to break up?
Do we want to stay together?
Obviously we're still together,
the answer has at the end of that process always been yes,
but there were periods where it was not clear.
Sometimes it was just a little lingering doubt that,
once one of us said it out loud,
it was like, no, I definitely don't want that.
But sometimes it was something we really stewed with.
Being in an open or polyamorous relationship,
obviously we have had other partners,
other people we've hooked up with, dated,
that we have been interested in,
and have sort of wondered,
is an open relationship right for me,
do I wanna close it down,
do I wanna become monogamous again?
If my partner wants to be open still,
do I wanna be monogamous with someone else?
What does that look like?
There have been questions swirling around,
and I think not being afraid to ask those questions,
and then truthfully answering those questions,
has made us stronger in the end,
rather than if we had just tried to ignore the questions
and tried to always be on the same page,
a completely unified front.
We also, at some point, lived in separate states
for about six or seven months,
so we had a long-distance relationship.
I was in Maryland, and Peter was in New York still,
and so we saw each other much less often
than we did when we lived in the same city.
And then about a year and a half ago,
I was in Los Angeles, starting out part-time,
and then mostly being here all the time,
while Peter was still in LA,
and he had the intention to move out here,
but there wasn't a clear timeline
for when he would get out here.
We were sort of, again,
in this long-distance type relationship.
And that's been on the table again for us in the future.
We live together now, and I love this apartment,
and also, when I think about the future,
I imagine living with him, but also the possibility
of living separately in the same city,
or living in different states, or even different countries,
is always something that is on the table.
And to me, this lack of solidness to our relationship
is actually a benefit to me and to our relationship I think.
It's a flexibility that allows us
to thrive over the long term.
We don't always have to want the same things,
or agree on the same things,
or make the same decisions at the same time,
but we know that we want to come together
to figure out how to make it work.
And if the specifics of the circumstances have to change,
that's okay, as long as there's
an underlying commitment there to each other.
And that can be really scary, to go against the grain
of the way our entire society is set up.
There aren't structures in place
to support polyamorous relationships,
and culture, even our well-intentioned friends,
don't always know what to do with people
who are in relationships that are a bit unconventional,
even if they're a couple.
For instance, Peter and I don't have set sides of the bed,
we switch sides back and forth somewhat willingly,
and that just blows people's mind.
And that's just one tiny little thing.
It's compounded when we're talking about
living separately, or having additional long-term partners,
or being polyamorous, or what does marriage look like?
I don't want to imply that this flexibility in relationships
is not without its challenges,
but I do think that, when you allow each relationship
to be exactly what it and you want it to be...
So I don't want to imply
that this flexibility in relationships
is not without its challenges,
but I do think that, when you allow each relationship
to be what you and the other person want it to be,
whether that's a romantic partner, a friends with benefits,
an ex, a platonic friend, or something else entirely,
that you are able to know yourself,
and see the other person more fully,
and that ultimately creates more trust,
and more connection, and ultimately more fulfillment.
And you're going to be able to sustain
that essence of what is most important
to you and to that relationship over the long term,
rather than trying to fit it into someone else's box.
So I think the TL;DR of this video
is to not try and structure your relationship
to match the Instagram version
of someone else's relationship,
but rather to build relationships
that are right and healthy and fulfilling
for you and the people involved.
If you want more tips, tactics, and resources on dating...
If you want more...
If you want more tips, tactics, and resources
on dating, sex, and relationships
for LGBTQ folks, by a queer guy,
I've got a video that you should watch next,
click on it right here, and I'll see you over there.
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Bye for now.