HEY!
WELCOME TO THE "LAT "LATE SHOW" EVERYBODY.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
OH, MY GOSH.
OH, IT FEELS GOOD.
FEELS GOOD TO BE WITH EVERYBODY HERE TONIGHT.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND, FOLKS, CHECK YOUR CALENDARS.
WE ARE JUST DAYS AWAY FROM THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, THIS
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, AND THE "LATE SHOW" WILL BE BROADCASTING
LIVE RIGHT HERE FROM THIS STAGE TO HELP YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WILL APPLAUD ME ANY DAY OF THE
WEEK.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE WILL BE HE WERE LIVE TO HELP YOU RELIVE ALL THE BIG MOMENTS
YOU JUST SAW AND ARE NOW DRINKING TO FORGET.
DONALD TRUMP SAYS FOR THE DEBATE HE'S NOT PREPPING.
HE'S GOING TO RELY ON HIS IMPROV SKILLS, SO I'M ASSUMING THAT HIS
PREP CONSISTS OF ASKING A ROOM FULL OF DRUNK PEOPLE FOR AN
OBJECT AND OCCUPATION.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
"I HEARD CHIA PET AND PROCTOLOGIST."
SCENE!
GOOD MORNING, DOCTOR!
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE-- IMPROV.
MEANWHILE, THE CLINTON CAMPAIGN IS REALLY WORRIED THAT TRUMP
COULD BE SEEN AS THE WINNER IF HE CLEARS THE LOW BAR OF
AVOIDING OUTRAGEOUS STATEMENTS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT THE LOWEST BAR FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
A LOW BAR FOR HIM IS NOT TELLING LESTER HOLT HE'D BE A TEN IF HE
BOUGHT A NEW SET OF KNOCKERS.
COME ON, LESTER, SHAKE THEM UP.
IT'S TRUE, LESTER.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
SO, SECRETARY CLINTON IS PREPARING FOR EVERYTHING.
IN FACT, IT'S BEING REPORTED THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY PREPPING
FOR TWO TRUMPS AT THE DEBATE-- AN ON-MESSAGE, DISCIPLINED
DONALD TRUMP AND A FREEWHEELING DONALD TRUMP.
BY THE WAY, "FREEWHEELIN' DONALD TRUMP" IS THE WORST FOLK ALBUM
OF ALL TIME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, NORMALLY CANDIDATES PREPARE
BY DOING MOCK DEBATES AGAINST A STAND-IN FOR THEIR OPPONENT, BUT
WHO COULD PORTRAY THE TWO SIDE OF DONALD TRUMP?
I KNOW OF ONLY ONE PERSON WHO COULD CAPTURE BOTH TRUMPS AT THE
SAME TIME, AND WE HAVE OBTAINED EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF HIM
PREPPING SECRETARY CLINTON.
( LAUGHTER ) >> THEY HAVE THE JOBS.
SNEAKY LITTLE IMMIGRANTS.
WICKED, TRICKSY IMMIGRANTS.
IMMIGRANTS ARE MY FRIENDS.
BUILD...
THE...
WALL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TRUMP IS A LOT
LIKE GOLLUM-- BOTH OF THEM HAVE TROUBLE HOLDING ON TO A RING FOR
TOO LONG.
NOW, DON'T YOU BOO GOLLUM.
MAO, HERE'S SOME INTERESTING NEWS.
A MAN IN CANADA WAS CAUGHT STEALING GOLD FROM THE ROYAL
CANADIAN MINT. THE MAN, AN EMPLOYEE OF THE BANK, SMUGGLED
$140,000 IN GOLD NUGGETS OUT OF THE MINT INSIDE HIS RECTUM.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ GOLD-SPHINCTER!
COULD YOU HEAR THAT-- COULD I HEAR THAT ONE MORE TIME, PLEASE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ HE'S THE MAN
THE MAN WITH THE FUNNY WALK ♪ THOSE HORNS, BY THE WAY, THAT
WAS THE SOUND HE MADE WHEN THEY PULLED THE GOLD OUT OF HIM.
THE MAN WAS CHARGED WITH THEFT, POSSESSION OF STOLEN PROPERTY--
AND, GOD, I HOPE-- MONEY LAUNDERING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- >> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: DETECTIVES INVESTIGATING THE THEFTS
FOUND A JAR OF VASELINE IN HIS LOCKER, AND I'M GOING TO
SAY A RUBBER MALLET AND A BITE STICK.
PRESIDING OVER THE CASE WHEN WAS MAN WAS ON IT TRIAL-- AND THIS
IS TRUE-- THE HONORABLE JUDGE PETER DOODY,
PROVING ONCE AND FOR ALL, I BELIEVE, THAT THERE IS A GOD.
( LAUGHTER ) THE THIEF WAS ORDERED TO RETURN
THE GOLD NUGGETS, BUT THE MINT WAS LIKE, "EH, WE'RE GOOD."
WE'LL TAKE A CHECK.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IN OTHER NEWS, I JUST SAW A
STORY THAT FILLED ME WITH RAGE-- AND THEN HUNGER.
>> AN ENTREPRENEUR HAS RECEIVED A PATENT FOR THIS CREATION TO
REVOLUTIONIZE YOUR NEXT BARBECUE.
IT IS A COMBINATION HAMBURGER/ HOT DOG.
HE CALLS THIS THE HAMDOG.
>> Stephen: YES.
THE HAMDOG.
SORRY, ELON MUSK.
SOMEONE BEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH.
THE HAMDOG IS, EVIDENTLY, AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME.
INSTEAD OF HOLDING A HOT DOG IN ONE HAND AND A HAMBURGER IN THE
OTHER, NOW I CAN HOLD THEM BOTH IN ONE HAND, LEAVING THE OTHER
HAND FREE TO PERFORM THE HEIMLICH ON MYSELF.
BUT HERE'S WHAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH.
OKAY.
THIS HAMDOG WAS INVENTED BY AN AUSTRALIAN!
HOW DID AUSTRALIA BEAT AMERICA?
TO THE HAMDOG?
AMERICA HAS ALWAYS LED THE WORLD IN UNNATURAL FOOD COMBINATIONS.
I MEAN, WHO MADE A TACO SHELL OUT OF DORITOS?
WE DID!
WHO PUT PIZZA FLAVORING ON POTATO CHIPS?
WE DID!
AND, DAMNIT, HAVE WE FORGOTTEN THE DOUBLE DOWN-- BACON AND
CHEESE BETWEEN TWO PIECES OF DEEP-FRIED CHICKEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE WE FORGOTTEN!
WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?
CERTAINLY NOT OUR NEXT OF KIN.
AND WHY DO YOU THINK THE PILGRIMS KALE OVER HERE IN THE
FIRST PLACE?
NOT FOR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, BUT SO ON THANKSGIVING THEY COULD
STUFF A CHICKEN INSIDE A DUCK INSIDE A TURKEY WITHOUT THE
KING'S PERMISSION!
I'M CALLING ON ALL OUR NATION'S TOP SCIENTISTS TO STOP WHATEVER
YOU'RE DOING AND INVENT NEW, UNNATURAL FOOD COMBINATION TO
MAKE US PROUD.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS.
COMBINE LAMB CHOPS WITH A SLURPEE!
PIPE GRAVY INTO A TWINKIE!
MAKE BEEF STROGANOFF INTO FRUIT ROLLUPS!
CALL THEM FRUIT STROG-OFFS!
PUT CHEESE ON ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T HAVE CHEESE ON IT
ALREADY.
GOOD LUCK FINDING IT!
BECAUSE, IN THE WORDS OF ROBERT F. KENNEDY, "SOME MEN SEE
THINGS AS THEY ARE AND SAY WHY?
I DREAM THINGS THAT NEVER WERE AND SAY 'I'D PUT THAT IN MY
MOUTH.'" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND NOW, SAY HI TO SOMETHING
THAT IS NATURAL AND DELICIOUS-- JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN,
EVERYBODY.