-Hi, everybody. Welcome.
Stopped at a Liberace garage sale.
[ Laughter ]
I stopped at the Big & Tall.
You never see any tall people there.
Never. Never.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You never run into anyone's knee.
Boom.
"I love your canned corn!"
[ Laughter ]
I, uh -- I'll tell you this.
If I get one more "X" on my clothing,
I'm next year's Super Bowl.
So...
[ Laughter ]
Quit putting X's on the clothing.
Try putting pictures of mammals in the different sections.
"Do you have this in a wildebeest?!"
"Can I wear sloth and wildebeest together?
No? Oh.
Where's the manatee section?!
My spirit animal."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Propeller.
[ Laughter ]
Just got back from Vermont. Beautiful there, huh?
Nice to stay at a hotel where you can hunt from the window.
[ Laughter ]
Then I went to Boston.
You know, what's nice is -- [ Applause ]
Yes, Boston. There you go.
Thanks for driving in. Appreciate it.
What's nice about Boston is they have all the history,
and when people drive you,
they tell you the history, you know?
"I don't know if you know this,
but, uh, we're on the road that Paul Revere rode on."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ] That's what I always want to do.
I always wanted to be a jockey.
Too tall. But...
[ Laughter ]
"We're on the road Paul Revere rode..."
"I'm sure he was going faster than we are.
I can tell you that."
"You want to see where Ben Franklin's parents are buried?"
"No."
"They never supported Ben."
"Ben, quit flying the kite!
Where is the barn key?!"
[ Laughter ]
Went to the Alamo. I went to Texas.
So I had to see the Alamo.
Mrs. Stelzick in Ames Elementary in third grade
made a big deal about the Alamo, so I went, and I was --
Have you been?
'Cause I was, "Is this it?! Was there a fire?!
I'm pretty sure I could hold this for two days.
I always travel with a steak knife."
And I bought the little Alamo across the street.
Which is almost the same size.
I set it down. People started lining up for it.
[ Laughter ]
I'm trying to be a healthier person.
That's what people say when they're really fat.
[ Laughter ]
"I'm working on being a healthier person.
Not that hard, but I'm working on it."
And if you are fat, healthy people come to your aid usually.
"Louie, I may help you get healthy.
Louie, I'm going to turn you around."
Well, you better bring another person.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
They bring you healthy food.
"Louie, I brought you a kale shake."
Kale gives me the shakes.
I go, "Bring me a cake shake."
You know they're healthy when they go, "What's that?"
Take a hunk of cake and throw it in the shake.
And you could throw kale in there
'cause cake will kill kale.
[ Laughter ]
"Louie, aren't you worried about pesticides?"
It's low on my list.
We used to run behind the mosquito spraying trucks
when I was a kid.
Never got bit once.
[ Laughter ]
"Why don't you buy organic, Louie?"
"Okay. I'll do it.
How much are the organic bananas?"
"They're $2.99 a pound."
"How much are the other bananas?"
"They're free.
No one wants them."
"I'll take the free bananas and the organic stickers."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
I'll tell ya.
Then she goes, "Louie, let's go to eat dinner."
And I go to dinner with her.
And they grill the waiters and waitresses.
You know what I mean.
I mean, I'd rather deep-fry them, but...
[ Laughter ]
She goes, "Is this pull and line caught tuna?
I go, "This is Applebee's, honey.
It's 2 for $20.
Or 4 for $40.
Or 8 for $80.
Or 16..."
"Is it free-range chicken?"
"What does that even mean?"
"It means they get to run free, Louie."
"Before they kill them?
That seems crueler to me."
The chickens in the coop are trying to warn her.
"You're living a lie, Betty!"
[ Cheers and applause ]