I became addicted
to online shopping.
Anybody else liked it?
Everybody, who likes to shop online?
Yes, you like to shop online.
Oh.
(audience cheering)
It is my favorite thing to do.
Is just to get up and just shop on--
I love it so-- the only thing--
if I had to say-- there is this one
problem with the online shopping.
Is when you get to the last page,
and you're checking out,
where you're gonna pay.
And at the very bottom, they ask you
if you have a promo code.
Which tells you somebody
has a promo code.
(audience laughing)
Who has this promo code?
This makes me crazy.
I got to Google the promo code.
You ever do this?
You Google the promo code.
I can never find the promo code.
I try all these codes.
And whenever you type in the code,
invalid code.
Expired code.
(audience laughing)
You want to laugh?
One time I was so desperate,
I was so determined
to get a discount, I just sat there
for an hour making up codes.
(audience laughing)
Oh, yeah.
Sale 20.
Sale 15.
Spring 20.
Spring 15.
I save.
You save.
We all save.
Finally, I just typed in up yours,
and I got 50% off, I'll tell you.
(audience laughing)
I also try not to order everything
from Amazon because they are
a monopoly.
And also, the number of emails you
get from Amazon is frankly,
it's abusive.
Have you ever gotten any-- so
many-- you can order.
30 seconds later, the emails start
pouring in.
We got your order.
Your order is in a box.
Your order is on the truck.
Your order is going to be tomorrow.
Your order is going to be at 3 o'clock.
Correction, your order is going
to be at 3:45.
Your order is there.
Do you want to reorder?
It's too many.
I can't.
People have questions
about your order,
would you be able to answer
questions about your order?
Really?
They have questions.
It was Q-tips.
What kind of questions do they have?
(audience laughing)
And then have you noticed this
everything you do,
everywhere you go, everything you
buy, a week later, you get an email.
Give us your feedback.
Let us know--
let us know how we're doing?
When did I turn
into human resources?
(audience laughing)
I got one yesterday.
American Airlines wants to know
what you think.
I was like, no, you don't.
No, you don't.
And you ever ignore those?
Do you ever ignore those emails?
You ignore them, right?
And then a week later,
they get more desperate.
We haven't heard from you.
(audience laughing)
We're waiting for your feedback.
I always want to write back and say,
you know what?
Instead of me filling out
your survey, why don't you just
send me some delicate tangled
jewelry that I could unknot for you,
because clearly you think I have
a lot of time on my hands.
(audience laughing)
I will say this.
If I ever go missing,
I don't know if my family will know
what to do.
But I know that LinkedIn
and Vistaprint will find me.
(audience laughing)
Do you ever-- do you ever--
do you ever read the reviews when
you shop online?
Who reads the reviews?
Do you read the reviews?
You read the reviews?
- Yeah.
You should never read the reviews.
Do you know why?
I write reviews.
(audience laughing)
So you should-- my husband is--
I made fun of him
for being a pack rat.
But in his defense,
he is a very careful shopper.
He doesn't-- there is no impulsive
purchases from my husband.
I mean, when he's buying something,
he reads every review.
He checks every reference.
If he takes--
it's like he's planning a bank heist
when he's buying something.
It's insane.
And he wanted to buy this hat
for hiking.
The hat that covers your ears
from the sun, and he wouldn't pull
the trigger.
He just kept going back
to the same website.
And I couldn't take it anymore.
So I posted this review on Amazon.
It's there if you want to-- if you
want to check.
It's still there.
And by the way,
I didn't want to oversell it, sir.
So it just says, "pretty good hat."
(audience laughing)
This is the-- this is
the actual review.
"This is the best hat
"I have ever bought.
"I've been wearing this hat on top
"of my head for two weeks,
"and now my life is completely
"different.
(audience laughing)
"My wife and kids have moved back
"in with me
"because the guy she left me for
"wore the lesser quality knockoff
"version of this hat.
(audience laughing)
"Since getting my hat, I got a raise,
"a promotion, and
"a better parking spot.
"I can now bench press 315 pounds,
"and my eczema has completely
"disappeared.
(audience laughing)
"Whenever I wear my hat
"my IQ rises by 37 points,
"and my father is finally
"proud of me.
(audience laughing)
"This hat has given me the life
"I always wanted but never thought
"I deserved.
(audience laughing)
"Beware of imitation hats that cost
"$2 or $3 less.
"This is the hat to make your dreams
"come true."
(audience applauding)
He bought the hat.
(audience laughing)
By the way, while I was on stage,
I got a text from my husband.
It's so cute.
Whenever I travel, he sends me one
of these-- what do they call it,
naughty texts?
What do they call that?
- Sexting.
- I don't know if you call it.
This is the one he sent me.
"Hi, I'm not wearing any underwear
"because you forgot to put
"the clothes in the dryer."
(audience laughing)