Uh, my last girlfriend won our breakup.
- [audience laughing]
- If you don't think Charles breakups aren't a thing
you could win or lose, that's true, but also... grow up.
- [audience laughing]
- This is how you win a breakup.
You move on first.
That's like 80 points.
You start dating somebody new, that's like 200 points.
And then you post pictures of you and that new person
getting cocktails at the bar in the Ace Hotel.
- [audience laughing]
- And then it's game over, you win, Kate!
- [audience laughing]
- I was looking at my ex-girlfriend's
Instagram profile the other day.
Which, by the way, is how you lose a breakup.
- [audience laughing]
- She's at the Ace Hotel with the new guy.
Tagged the Ace Hotel, tagged the new guy.
I start looking at the new guy's profile.
And everything in my body is telling me to hate him.
Everything is saying hate... this man.
But...
[sighs]
He had an awesome summer.
- [audience laughing]
- He killed it last summer,
and I can't take that away from a guy, you know?
He went to Coachella both nights.
Had a bunch of barbecues on rooftops.
Went kayaking with his best friend Mike.
I start looking at Mike's profile.
- [audience laughing]
- Mike, I couldn't really get onboard with.
He was little too "bro-y" for me.
But he did take timeout 27 weeks ago to go
to his sister's graduation.
Allow me now to say, "Congratulations, Christina."
- [audience applause]
- She graduated from the University of Minnesota
with a degree in English.
- [audience laughing]
- With her best friend Margaret.
- [audience laughing]
- I started looking at Margaret's profile.
- [audience laughing]
- Uh, if there's anything I can tell you about Margaret
is that she loves to party and she loves her dog.
- [audience laughing]
- I start looking at Margaret's dog's profile.
- [audience laughing]
- And then I accidentally liked one of Margaret's dog's photos.
- [audience laughing]
- And I was just like, "Oh shit."
- [audience laughing]
- Like could this trace this all the way back to me?
- [audience laughing]
- So I unliked it.
But then I remembered...
if you like something, and then you unlike it,
they can see that you liked it and that you unliked it.
Yes, it's true.
- [audience laughing]
- Sorry, but you are busted.
- [audience laughing]
- Now you know, don't do it again.
- [audience laughing]
- Oh yeah, they can see it.
Um, so I decided, "You know what? I'm just gonna like it."
- [audience laughing]
- Because if I'm gonna go out,
I'm gonna go out like a G.
- [audience cheering]
- And that's when I realized I'd been sitting on the toilet
for two hours.
- [audience laughing]
- And it was time to get back to work.
- [audience laughing]