FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND SO MUCH TIME HERE AT THE "LATE SHOW"
COOKING UP ALL THE BIG, MEATY NEWS STORIES, THAT SOMETIMES I
LIKE TO TAKE ALL THE FAT, THE GRISTLE, THE SCRAPS, I LIKE TO
GRIND IT UP, SQUEEZE IT INTO THE INTESTINAL CASING OF COMEDY TO
MAKE YOU THE DELICIOUS SAUSAGE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE ALWAYS RESPOND TO "MEANWHILE."
IT'S A NATIONAL TREND.
NOW, MEANWHILE, JUST IN TIME FOR PRIME MARRYING SEASON, WEDDING
BOUNCY CASTLES ARE THE NEW TREND.
SO FOR THOSE OF YOU PLANNING TO GET MARRIED IN A BALL PIT, WAKE
UP, GRANDPA!
IT'S 2019!
ACCORDING TO ONE BALL-- BOUNCE HOUSE--
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S ALL OVER.
I WAS-- I WAS IN LONDON YESTERDAY!
ACCORDING TO ONE BOUNCE HOUSE RENTAL COMPANY OWNER, THE TREND
STARTED WHEN "A WEDDING PLANNER ASKED IF I HAD A WHITE BOUNCY
CASTLE.
THERE WERE NONE AVAILABLE TO BUY, SO I HAD ONE MADE.
I QUICKLY DISCOVERED THAT IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT TO KEEP THEM
CLEAN."
( LAUGHTER )
BOUNCE HOUSE WHITE, OR EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONE'S ALREADY BOUNCED
IN THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
THINK YOU'RE EXHAUSTED FROM ADAPTING EVERY TO A--
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COFFEE TO GET ME THROUGH THIS.
OH!
MEANWHILE, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE EXHAUSTED FROM ADAPTING EVERY
DAY TO A MIND-BENDING ALTERNATE REALITY, STRAP IN, BECAUSE
SCIENTISTS JUST "CONFIRMED A NEW PHASE OF MATTER, WHICH IS SOLID
AND LIQUID AT THE SAME TIME."
SCIENTISTS HAVE NAMED THIS NEW PHASE OF MATTER "GUSHERS."
( LAUGHTER )
MATERIAL "IT WOULD BE LIKE HOLDING A SPONGE FILLED WITH
WATER THAT STARTS DRIPPING OUT, EXCEPT THE SPONGE IS ALSO MADE
OF WATER."
A DESCRIPTION HE APPARENTLY WROTE AFTER LICKING HIS SPECIAL
SCIENCE STAMP.
( LAUGHTER )
HOUSEHOLD CATS CAN RESPOND TO THE SOUND OF THEIR OWN NAMES,"
FINALLY CONFIRMING THAT THEY'RE JUST JERKS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, "RUSSIAN CANDY BARS HAVE A DISTURBING SECRET
INGREDIENT: BLOOD."
THE CHOCOLATE BARS HAVE BEEN AROUND SINCE THE SOVIET ERA,
WHEN THEY WERE "CREATED AS A KID-FRIENDLY IRON SUPPLEMENT,"
BUT THEY SECRETLY CONTAIN "COW'S BLOOD" AND ARE NAMED
"HEMATOGEN."
REALLY?
NO ONE SUSPECTED SOMETHING CALLED "HEMATOGEN" MIGHT CONTAIN
BLOOD?
RUSSIA, I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS ABOUT YOUR "BLOODERFINGERS" AND
"REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CLOTS."
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, A MAN IS SUING HIS PARENTS AFTER THEY DESTROYED HIS
EXTREMELY VALUABLE PORN COLLECTION, WHICH HE VALUED AT
NEARLY $30,000.
>> Audience: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: THAT IS INCREDIBLE...
THAT SOMEONE PAYS MONEY FOR PORN.
THE PORN-LOVING MAN HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED ONLY BY THE PSEUDONYM
"CHARLIE" -- AS IN, "DUDE, REMEMBER THAT GUY FROM OUR HIGH
SCHOOL, CHARLIE?
GUESS WHAT?" NOW, JUST HOW MUCH PORN ARE WE
TALKING HERE?
WELL, ACCORDING TO AN EMAIL FROM THE PARENTS TO CHARLIE, "WE
COUNTED 12 MOVING BOXES FULL OF PORNOGRAPHY, PLUS TWO BOXES OF
SEX TOYS."
"UGH, MOM!
THEY'RE NOT SEX 'TOYS.' THEY'RE SEX 'ACTION FIGURES.'"
( LAUGHTER )
THEY WERE ACTING IN THEIR SON'S BEST INTERESTS.
IN AN EMAIL TO HIS SON, THE FATHER WROTE, "THE REASON I
DESTROYED YOUR PORN WAS FOR YOUR OWN MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL
HEALTH.
I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME IF I HAD FOUND A KILO OF CRACK
COCAINE."
THAT IS AN APT COMPARISON, BECAUSE WITH 12 BOXES WORTH OF
PORN, THERE'S BOUND TO BE SOME CRACK IN THERE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: WHOA!
WHOA!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE-- MEANWHILE REALITY STAR AND NEW
MOM KRISTIN CAVALLARI, FOR SOME REASON, TOLD E! THAT HER HUSBAND
FORMER BEARS QUARTERBACK JAY CUTLER UNCLOGGED HER MILK DUCTS
BY SUCKING HARDER THAN HE'S EVER SUCKED.
CLEARLY SHE HAS NEVER SEEN HER HUSBAND PLAY FOOTBALL.