If you've ever thought,
"How can I be more in debt," this story's for you.
Uh, ticket broker StubHub is offering loans
to buy Super Bowl tickets,
tickets between 5 grand and $17,000,
with interest rates between 10% and 30%,
-which means 30%. -(groaning)
This is horrifying. You want to char--
Get (bleep)ed. First of all, it...
StubHub, no offense, is already bad enough.
-Like, you're scalping. You're already getting jacked. -Right.
And they want to-- Uh, it's like a new loan sh--
It's weird. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm getting worked up.
-I... -But it-it's, like, pr-priorities, right?
Like, this is where we are in America with priorities.
You-- If you have to get a loan
to get Super Bowl tickets, you're an idiot.
You understand. No, for real, for real.
Like, let me just tell you where we are in America, right?
I w-- I watch TV1 in New York,
and I watch, uh, the Discovery Channel.
So, on TV1, I watch-- there was a report that says
one in ten kids in New York City is homeless
and has no idea where they're gonna get their next meal.
And then I turn to the Discovery Channel
and I watched a turtle get a ultrasound.
Like, what-what are we doing?!
-Yeah. -What are we doing as a coun--
-I mean, I know, like... -(cheering and applause)
But you know what I mean? Like...
Feed the kids!
Take care of yourself.
Every year, I try to sex traffic myself to the Super Bowl.
Uh, I...
(laughter, applause)
Every year. Yeah. Thank you.
-Uh, it often... -And can you believe it? He's never made it.
-Yeah, I've never made it. -He's never gone once.
I get-- I get a state or two away,
and then I just enjoy the game from a local bar.
-State or two away. -And, you know--
-So, there-there's ways, David. -Yeah.
If you don't have enough money,
maybe don't go to the Super Bowl.
-Like, it's on TV. -Yeah. And who cares
what the halftime show-- Shakira and J. Lo.
It's, like, just-- It's elderly Latina women.
Just go to a grocery store. You'll see 'em.
-Go to the grocery store? -Yeah. That's-- They're there.
Five grand for a seat in San Francisco, that's nothing.
-That's crazy. -Like, five grand in Kansas City, I-I--
-that's, like, a whole block of houses. -Yeah.
So I get that that's, like, a big difference.
San Francisco people, they-they deserve that.
They deserve to get ripped off.
They're-they're rich snobs up there.
-They're all rich... -They offer tickets for any event.
So I don't want to get my legs broken
'cause I had to see Foreigner's final tour,
-you know what I mean? -Yeah.
I don't think it's worth it. All right.
Oh, yeah. By the way, if you don't pay,
they send this guy to your door.
Gritty!
-He's back. He's a callback. -(cheering and applause)
He's like, "How was Paul McCartney?" Doosh, doosh.
All right.
Machu Picchu is having, uh...
to up their security with drones
because so many people are going number two
at the top of the hike.
-(groaning) -This is happening
at Runyon a lot, too. Uh...
They're also changing the name of the park to "Machu Poopoo."
-That's not true. -(laughter)
That cannot be true.
That sounds like a joke.
-Um, I think the drones are not actual size, I hope. -Yeah.
(laughter)
-I'm-I'm all in support of this. -SPADE: Oh, good. Okay.
This is great. Yeah. I'm in a travel group.
-We're doing this very thing. -DILLON: Yeah.
We're going... We're gonna...
We want to go to the Taj Mahal and throw up,
and we're going to, um...
-(laughter) -SPADE: And throw up.
And we're gonna go (bleep) at the Colosseum.
-That's, like, our last stop. -SPADE: Excuse me!
-Yeah, I'm excited. -(applause)
This is exactly what people think American tourists do.
-Yeah. -Like, that's what's funny.
They'll say it metaphorically,
like, "Oh, they just shit on everything."
It's like, "No, really, they do."
-(laughter) -SPADE: Yeah. -They-they genuinely do.
But what are the drones supposed to do?
I mean, are they gonna bring them toilet paper?
Like, you know, it's like, "What are you catching me do?
"I'm shitting in nature.
-That's what happens, okay?" -SANTINO: Yeah, it's true.
The Charmin bear is out there shitting all over trees.
-(laughter) -DILLON: Right, right, right.
-And he got commercials. -DILLON: Yeah.
-Yeah. -(applause and cheering)
They're like RoboCop. They're like, "Pooper. Pooper."
It's just PornHub sponsored these. This is all...
That's, like, shit porn. That's all that is.
SPADE: Yeah, that's all it is.
You want to see someone shit on Machu Picchu?
-Oh, yeah. -Actually, isn't it amazing...?
Wouldn't it be amazing if you could show,
like, the ancient Mayas this photo
of the drone and the little poop?
They'd be like, "Whoa, the future is crazy!"
I was in a real bathroom, like, like, at a restaurant.
This is stupid, but it was, like, a regular one,
not just a one-hitter. It was, like, a big one.
And I go in, and the guy's coming out of the stall,
and I go, "Rough!"
-You know, 'cause it was horrible. -DILLON: Yeah.
And he goes, "(bleep) you, dude." I go, "Oh!"
Like, we were gonna get in a fight, and I thought,
this is the weirdest way to get in a fight. I wasn't...
-That's so weird. -Yeah, isn't that weird? We got in a... I...
-He's defending that it wasn't rough? -DILLON: Yeah.
-I know. I go, "Rough, dude." -Yeah. -My shits are chill.
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, bro? I'm a chill shitter.