I like sports man,
but I'll be honest.
Sometimes I think in this country
people take football a little
too serious.
A little too seriously, right?
(audience cheering)
There are my non-sports fans, yes.
Go Cougars.
(audience laughing)
I meant that kind.
Anyways.
(audience laughing)
Kidding.
Sometimes I think people take
football a little too seriously.
A few years ago I was watching
college football playoffs,
and Alabama was playing,
and they lost.
And after the game they showed
the stands, they showed college
students from Alabama crying.
Like, that is gross.
You're crying because you lost
a football game?
The only reason you should be crying
is because you're from Alabama.
Win or lose, you've got to go back
to Tuscaloosa.
(audience laughing)
It'll take a lot of sweet tea
to drown those tears, come on.
I like sports.
I get annoyed by the broadcasters.
Because I feel like they
always use the same lines.
The same cliches, right?
Like in football when a player
scores a touchdown
there's the celebratory dance.
A lot of times
you hear the announcers go, "oh
"my gosh,
"that was a classless display.
"That was classless."
I'm like, really?
This is a game where people knock
each other out and break
their necks.
You're talking about class?
This is not the opera or a beauty
pageant.
I know if I play football,
I scored a touchdown,
and I was still alive?
I'd want to do a dance, too.
What's up?
Hey, touchdown.
(audience applauding)
Thank you, same girl.
Anyways, I've been following
this politics stuff
and I don't get it all.
But I notice a lot of candidates
are talking about bringing programs
that they do to other countries
here.
Like they've been talking
about socialized medicine,
paid maternity leave, paid paternity
leave.
Maybe.
But I think there's one thing they
do in other countries
that we need here and nobody's
talking about that.
You know what we need here?
We need siestas.
(audience cheering)
So tonight I am announcing my Super
PAC called Americans for Siestas.
Feel free to join.
Get on board, it's going to be hot.
Now some of you were applauding,
some of you on board, some you don't
know what a siesta is.
In various countries
across the world
they have this thing called a siesta
where it is against the law to work
from 2 to 5 PM.
You have to eat, drink, and take
a nap.
Imagine how amazing it would be
if we had that here.
You could go to your boss at 1:59 PM
and be like,
I love to keep working sir,
but I'm a law abiding citizen.
Got to go, bro.
How great would that be?
And I was doing some research
for this joke and I found out one
of the countries that has siests is
Mexico.
And there's a lot of talk
about keeping Mexican
immigrants out
by building a big wall
on the border.
We don't need to do all that.
All we needed is have a big sign
down there that says, no siestas
aqui.
(audience laughing)
People would just be like, "oh forget
"that I'm going home."
We love a siesta, come on.
I like that joke because it's
kind of political without being
political.
Because I try not to talk
about politics too much on stage.
Because politics divides people,
right?
I want to talk about things that
bring us together, like our hatred
of the politicians.
(audience cheering)
My brother actually worked
in politics.
My brother used to work
for Congress.
It's weird
being a professional comedian
and having the more respectable job.
(audience laughing)