We begin with Donald Trump, former president
and current courtroom sketch model.
One of the most serious charges is his attempt
to steal the 2020 election.
And with less than a year to go before he attempts to steal
the next election, things in the case
are starting to move quickly.
Happening now, breaking news--
the United States Supreme Court just
agreed to weigh in for the first time on Donald Trump's
historic criminal prosecution.
JAKE TAPPER: This afternoon, Special Counsel Jack Smith
filed a brief urging the US Supreme Court to rule on
whether the former President is immune from
federal prosecution for his actions
while he was in the White House.
Smith is trying to keep the election
subversion trial scheduled for next March on track.
And he's hoping to avoid the delays that are coming
as Trump's team fights this issue of immunity
through lower courts.
Trump's lawyers are claiming his actions around the 2020
election results were part of his official presidential
duties at the time.
So Trump thinks stealing the election was part of his job?
I mean, look say what you want about the guy,
but it's pretty ballsy when your defense is both,
I didn't do anything, and also I was allowed to do it.
Like, what a paradox.
Trump is what I like to call a Schrodinger's [bleep]..
But look, look, if the Constitution allows
a president to overturn the Constitution,
then what was the point of the Constitution?
The whole thing might as well end
with, "or do whatever, man.
I don't give a [bleep]."
And by the way, even if the Supreme Court rules for Trump,
he should realize that this ruling would apply
to any president, which means Joe
Biden would have total immunity to do anything he wants.
Stealing quarters from behind little kids' ears,
left and right?
Getting their noses, never giving them back?
Or hey, maybe he'll just arrest Trump and send
him to Guantanamo, right?
[cheering, applause] No!
No!
No, we don't want any president to have absolute power.
That was a test, and you all failed.
All right, maybe just this once.
[laughter]
No!
No, you failed again.
It's not funny.
Now, one person who won't be defending Trump
in front of the Supreme Court is his former lawyer,
Rudy Giuliani--
seen here watching porn on full volume.
And that's because Rudy's busy with his own legal problems.
REPORTER: This morning, Rudy Giuliani is back in court,
face to face with the two Georgia election workers whose
lives were nearly ruined by his repeated
falsehoods and conspiracy theories about them
after the 2020 election.
Giuliani telling me after court yesterday,
he stands by all of it.
Do you regret what you did to Ruby Freeman?
Of course I don't regret it.
I told the truth.
They were engaged in changing votes.
There's no proof of that.
Oh, you're damn right there is.
Stay tuned.
REPORTER: Ruby Freeman and her daughter,
Wandrea Shaye Moss, served as election workers in Georgia
in 2020.
But when Donald Trump claimed baselessly that the vote count
was rigged, Giuliani accused them of bringing in suitcases
stuffed with fake Biden votes and other skullduggery.
SHAYE MOSS: I really felt that someone
would tell him, like, no, sir.
You don't know what you're talking about.
REPORTER: Yesterday, during opening statements,
Giuliani's lawyer said that up to $43 million in damages
the workers are seeking will, quote, "be the end of him."
The end of Rudy Giuliani?
Oh, no.
That sounds awesome.
The end of Rudy Giuliani is like the best-case scenario.
Why is Rudy's lawyer threatening the jury
with a good time?
He's like, you really want to see my client broke
and sobbing like a little bitch, huh?
You want to see him crying so hard, he pees his pants,
and that pee gets all over the floor?
Is that what you want?
Then he slips on his pee, and now, he's
rolling on the floor, just covered in pee?
Donald Trump tries to help him up,
and then he slips on the pee, and then they both slide out
the door under Rudy's pee, right into two
chefs carrying a big cake?
Is that funny to you?
[laughter]
Look.
I might feel more sympathy for Rudy if, during his defamation
trial, he wasn't outside the courthouse
doing more defamation.
Like, does he get that every time you do a crime,
it's like its own thing?
Like, this guy is committing defamation like he's
got the unlimited plan.
Your crimes don't roll over to the next month, Rudy.
And finally, let's move on to one of the only cases that
does not involve Donald Trump.
And this one comes out of the state of Texas,
where sentencing someone to hard labor
has taken on a new meaning.
REPORTER: This morning, a new twist
in a Texas woman's legal battle to get
an abortion in her home state.
The Texas Supreme Court last night ruled against Kate Cox
after she sought an emergency medical exception
to the state's abortion ban.
Doctors say her 20-week fetus has a severe abnormality
and little chance of survival.
And they say continuing the pregnancy could put her health
at risk, possibly preventing her from getting
pregnant ever again.
Cox's attorneys say the decision
left her with no choice but to seek
medical care in another state.
Wow.
So this case is what legal experts refer to as bullshit.
[cheering, applause]
I mean, come on.
Texas-- Texas's abortion laws are so restrictive,
this woman had to flee the state
like some sort of senator.
Controversial opinion in 2023-- a court
shouldn't get to decide whether a woman
can get a medical procedure.
Or if they're going to, yeah, you can--
[cheering, applause]
If they're going to, then they should
also get to rule on a man's right to, like,
pass a kidney stone.
Sorry, Brian.
God has a plan for that rock.
For more on the Texas Supreme Court decision,
we turn to Grace Kuhlenschmidt.
[cheering, applause]
It's just chaos down there in Texas right now.
Courts are saying doctors should decide when abortions
are medically necessary.
But then when the doctors decide,
the courts overrule them, and then other courts
overrule those courts.
It's like-- it's like no one's in charge of the decision.
I know, right?
But here's a crazy idea.
When it comes to deciding whether a woman can have
an abortion, what if we gave that decision
to just one person?
What if this one person is the person
who knows what's best for each woman better than anyone else?
See where are you going with this.
And that person should be the Golden Bachelor.
[laughter]
Oh, that's-- that is not where
I thought you were going.
Why should the Golden Bachelor decide every woman's abortion?
It makes sense.
His whole thing is making tough choices about who stays
and who goes.
Right, but I thought you were going to say, like, the woman.
Which woman?
Like, Beyonce?
I mean, she is from Texas, but I don't know.
She seems so distracted with her tour,
she's not responding to any of my texts.
You have Beyonce's number?
No, but I've been guessing.
One of these days, I'm going to get it right.
Grace, I'm sorry, but I really don't
think this is a good idea.
Uh, are you mansplaining abortion to me, Kal?
How dare you?
It's my body, and it's my right to decide which man gets
to tell me what to do with it!
And I want that man to be the Golden Bachelor!
OK, OK!
But it doesn't even matter.
The Republicans in charge of these states
don't care who chooses, because they
don't want anybody to choose!
The prosecuting all abortions.
Prosecute Schmachemoot.
There's an easy solution here.
Any woman who needs an abortion just needs
to get elected president.
Because presidents have total immunity!
#FreeTrump.
How is a woman who needs an abortion
supposed to become president?
Simple.
We distract the men.
Butter 'em up, listen to them play guitar or whatever.
Then we turn them against each other.
While they're busy fighting on the beach,
the ladies vote her into the Oval Office.
[cheering, applause]
Are you describing the plot of the Barbie movie?
It worked, Kal.
By the way, you're so good at guitar.
We're both gay, Grace.
Ohh!
Yeah.
[laughs] Sometimes I forget.
OK, so-- so look.
She becomes president, and her first act is, what,
getting an abortion?
Yeah.
She goes into the situation room,
because what a sticky situation this is!
Then the Super Secret Service rolls in, and-- pfft!
It's out of there.
Grace, this sounds way too complicated.
Isn't the simplest and best solution
to just leave the decision up to the woman who's pregnant?
Man, you're so dumb, Kal.
I'm going to text Beyonce right now to tell
her how dumb you sound.
I'm going to try starting with the letter 3.
I've never done that one before.
Grace Kuhlenschmidt, everybody!