- So this question came in from our community, and I thought
this is such a beautiful topic
because so often this comes up for us when
if you haven't dated anyone that was really interesting
for you and you finally find someone who has potential,
it's easy to get attached.
Like, it's easy to get locked
in on that person because you feel like, oh my gosh,
I finally found somebody when it's been a desert
or dry for so long.
So if you find yourself getting attached too quickly
and you know that that's part of the pattern
that's sabotaging your love life because you
either end up pushing the person away, driving them away,
or getting your hopes up so much
that then when it doesn't work out, you crash so hard
that the rebound takes so long that you're like,
I don't even want to get into another relationship.
What can you do?
Today I'm going to share with you three mindsets
that can help you stay open, stay available,
stay engaging with a relationship that comes your way,
without getting overly attached
that you end up sabotaging yourself.
So the first mindset is where you see the future,
but you stay in the present.
Often what happens when we get too attached is
because we start living in a future possibility
with somebody before they've actually earned
that reality with us.
It's like we'll go out
and they'll be an amazing conversationalist
and we'll imagine all these dates were going
on with this person.
Or we'll imagine traveling to together
and getting to see the world
because you're having a conversation
about the places you've been.
And then on the ride home after the date you're thinking,
"God, how great would it be to travel
to this place with them or that place?"
And you get all excited.
Or even more emotional,
you see them playing with maybe your niece or your nephew
or playing with kids and you want to be a mom one day.
Or maybe you already have kids and you start getting really
excited about the possibility of this guy being a dad
to your kids and you're like, "Oh, he would make the most
amazing dad, and he's super playful and heart-centered,"
and you get super excited.
Then you start imagining all the holidays together,
and spending this holiday and that holiday
and what that would be like and feel like.
It's okay to see the future.
In other words, you want to see the qualities
that this person has and how that would make
for a great partnership with you and a great life together,
but you don't want to live in the future.
And so the way you do that is that when you notice yourself
indulging in these imaginations, these fantasies
about the future, temper the excitement and be like,
"Okay, that's a possibility one day,
but live in the present moment."
In other words, move from hoping, to having,
where you put your focus on,
okay, what do we have together right now?
What has he earned as far as my attention?
How much investment has he made in this relationship?
Where's our connection right now?
And that helps you temper the super high excitement
into like, okay, I'm going to see how much he
pours into this relationship.
I'm going to have fun in this present moment.
And then what you do
is because you're in the present moment,
you're activating your feminine energy,
you're actually way more open to the moment at hand,
and the two of you're able to create
a deeper connection together in that present moment.
The second mindset that really helps us is
creating what I call a love-abundant mindset.
And this is moving from scarcity to love abundance.
It's so easy to get tempted to have a mindset
of scarcity because that's often the reality, right?
It's like there isn't anyone
that you're interested in for such a long time
that when you find somebody, it's super rare.
You've got that, finally got that chemistry,
finally got that connection.
And you're afraid that if this doesn't work out,
it's going to be a long time
until you find that person again.
Well, the challenge is that's counterproductive.
That creates the result of the very thing that we're fearing
in the first place because it pushes that person away
and we latch on.
I don't know if you've ever been with somebody
who's like, you go on a date
and you're like the first cool person they've met
in a long time, and their eyes kind of get big,
and they're like, "Oh my God, you're finally normal."
Like, "Oh my God, you're finally like cool."
And you're like, "Yeah, I know, and it's okay.
We're going to calm down."
And instead, what you want to do is using your
mind to create this love abundance,
knowing that you have options, you've got opportunities.
One of the most attractive things
in somebody else is when they are selective.
Now, here's what's amazing.
When you're selective, it means that you're not just
choosing the first cool person who comes into your world.
No, you're selective based
on here's your vision and the qualities that you want.
And does he fit that?
You're not just, you're letting him earn his place with you.
That's super attractive.
And here's what's wild, is that it doesn't matter
if you've got five other guys that you're going
out with that week
or you haven't been on a date in three months.
You being selective is a mindset.
It's a way of being.
And when you operate that way, then he assumes,
oh wow, she's highly desirable,
and that skyrockets his desire for you.
So how do you create that?
Here's a couple of easy techniques.
The first is to when you feel yourself starting to
get excited is to breathe.
And when you breathe,
you turn that excitement into confidence.
The second is to use your mindset to
turn all possible outcomes into empowered possibilities.
Here's what that means,
possible outcomes, the paradigm will say,
"What if this doesn't work out?
You're going to be alone forever.
What if this guy doesn't like you?
It's taken so long to find somebody who's great."
Like all of those fear-based thoughts, you interrupt them
and turn them into empowered possibilities.
And here's a few thoughts for you.
It only takes one.
And what if it's easy?
If this guy doesn't work out, the best is yet to come.
There was a woman who came through my coaching program,
it's called Manifest Your Man.
This woman's name is Sharon and she's an attorney,
and she would constantly attract guys who were
like her ex-husband.
And she was like, "I don't want these guys.
I don't like these guys."
She finally attracted a guy named Mark.
And it was that same scenario,
didn't attract anyone for a long time,
finally started dating.
She was dating a few guys that were okay,
and then Mark came along.
And Mark was amazing.
They had chemistry, they had connection.
She was super, she felt herself getting super excited,
like oh my gosh, this could be the one.
And so she moved into breathing
and anytime her mind fired off,
"What if this doesn't work out?
It's going to take you forever to find the person."
She would interrupt that thought, breathe and say,
"No, it only takes one, and what if it's easy?"
This is what it looks like as it's all coming together.
And she was able to stay centered.
She was able to stay present, their connection deepened.
And then one day at a holiday party,
they were all hanging out.
Her family, her kids, she had kids.
And that thought like, "Oh he could be a bonus dad
to my kids."
Breathe, calm, bring back to the present moment.
At that party,
Mark said, "Oh, look at that.
What is that?"
And there was a plane pulling a banner that says,
"Sharon will you marry me?"
And she screamed, and he got down on one knee,
and he proposed to her and she said, "Yes."
And the two of them are enjoying a beautiful marriage
because Sharon built in herself a love-abundant mindset
instead of a scarcity-based mindset.
And the third strategy to help you ground yourself
if you feel yourself getting too attached
is to remember to match his level
of investment in the relationship.
In other words, you don't have to do everything to
make this relationship work.
You can lean back and match his level of investment.
It's easy when you really, really like someone to overinvest
in the beginning because there's just fear of like,
I really want this to work,
and you want to pour in the energy.
But that can often chase them away
because you're both getting to know each other.
I like the analogy that imagine an oak tree.
Like when an oak tree is in full form,
imagine the relationship is in full form.
It takes a lot of water, it takes a lot of care to
keep that oak tree as strong and solid.
But in the beginning it's this little seedling,
and if you over water it, you're going to kill it.
And so over-investing actually smothers it,
like floods the relationship.
You want it to be able to breathe.
And so simple enough, match his level of investment.
And if he texts you once, text him back.
Don't text him four or five times that day.
You want to create space for that conversation to flow.
Because remember, men value what they earn.
So you matching his investment and letting him
invest more creates space for him to be able to pursue you
and value that relationship with you.
When I was getting together with my wife,
one of the things I really appreciated
was that she matched my tempo,
and the relationship built.
We didn't talk every single day,
four times a day when we first got together.
When we first got together, it was like this
slow burn because we were long distance,
and I was building a business where I was.
And so it was like we'd talk at night.
And the next night we would talk,
but we wouldn't be texting all the way throughout the day.
And then as we start to feel
even more strong feelings for each other,
and then we fell in love with each other,
then the texting, then the hanging out,
then the weekends started to skyrocket.
So let's review these three mindsets.
When you really like someone,
to help you from getting really attached,
but instead staying grounded and owning your power,
it's see the future, but live in the present,
create a love-abundant mindset,
and match his level of investment.
And when you do that, you're not only empowering yourself
and giving the relationship the best chance of flourishing,
but you're also living in a field.
You're creating a field around you where
if that relationship doesn't work out, you are primed
and positioned to attract something that's even
better yet still.
And so here is to your amazing love life,
here is to your love-abundant mindset.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
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