I've been doing something recently
where I'm trying my best
to hang out
with my grandparents more.
I think that's important
for young people to do,
I think young people should hang out
with their grandparents
as often as they can.
But, I'm gonna tell you why they don't.
'Cause it's exhausting.
(audience laughs)
It is, you learn things that
you can't unlearn, okay?
It's just knowledge
being thrown at you
that you just and
you're stuck with it forever.
Everything was going great,
we were eating dinner,
everything was fine,
and then my grandma
broke out a scrapbook.
And we're going through this
scrapbook picture by picture,
and she was like,
"Look, this is a picture
"of me with my first car,
"this is a picture of me at my first job."
And then we got to a picture of her
when she was in her mid 20s.
(blows air)
My grandma was lookin' fine!
(audience laughs)
Super fine, okay?
Too fine to be my grandmother!
(audience laughs)
And with the sepia filter on it,
the brown filter that's not supposed
to make you attractive,
the one that would turn
a ten into a seven,
nah, she was still a ten, okay?
(audience laughs)
I know it sounds weird,
I know it's weird,
it's weird to say it, okay?
It was weird.
But do you understand
that it's ruining me?
I have to live with this knowledge
for the rest of my life.
It's ruining me.
'Cause now, every time
I try to talk to a girl,
I'm like, "Pfft, yeah you're cute,
"but you ain't nana."
(audience laughs)
(blows air)
(audience laughs)
Like, "Yeah, I'm sure you
"have good qualities Candice,
"but you can't make no
"snickerdoodle cookies!
(audience laughs)
"Your mac and cheese recipe
"has one cheese in it,
"get out of here, rookie!"
(audience laughs)
Can't compete with nana,
she got legacy.
After I saw that picture,
I had to high five my grandpa.
I had to.
I was like, "Dude, I don't know
"how you did it, you're ugly."
(audience laughs)
So I guess game runs in the family,
I guess, I don't know.
If anything,
I'm mad that my nana settled
for my grandpa.
Man, she had all the qualities
and attributes
to be a gold digger, but no,
she settled for love.
This is dumb.
Could've been rich!
Could've had a rich grandpa, but nope,
he's just a good one.
This is dumb.
(audience laughs)
That's where we're at in society,
is just being like,
"Hey, I got a good grandpa but,
"I also don't have a million dollars,
"and one of those things
"buys me a boat.
(audience laughs)
"The other one just gets me
"a really good thank you card."
It's a good card, it ain't no boat.
(audience laughs)
I love my grandpa, he's a good dude.
Every time I hang out with him,
I learn something new
about him and his life
that's very interesting to me.
I recently found out what
my grandfather's favorite game
of all time is.
I always thought it was poker,
I thought it was poker.
And so he was like,
"Cam, let's play my favorite game."
So I was like,
"All right, I'll go get the cards."
He goes, "No.
"My favorite game."
I was like, "First of all,
"why'd you say it like that?"
(audience laughs)
I was like, "That's real ominous, okay?
"I didn't like that."
And he goes,
"I wanna play my favorite game."
Turns out my grandfather's
favorite game of all time
is called Why I Hate Your Generation.
(audience laughs)
Yeah.
Some of you know the game!
It's amazing, he's undefeated,
he's never lost.
(audience laughs)
He's great, he brings up good points,
I can't even lie, there's good points.
He's like, "Cam, you young guys,
"you just don't get it.
"You don't understand what it was like.
"Back in my day, we used to be able
"to go down to the record store
"and get a record for a nickel."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Wow!
"You guys used to pay
"for your music?!"
(audience laughs)
(imitates explosion)
I was like, "That's crazy, pop-pop,
"I don't know how y'all made it out!
"Y'all didn't have Limewire
"or nothin', nothin'.
"That's crazy."
I feel like I'm 12 years too late
for a Limewire reference,
but that's fine.
(audience laughs)
That's fine.
'Cause those of you who get it,
we all had viruses,
and you know what,
that's a bond that we share!
(audience laughs)
We all had to throw away
two computers!
(audience cheers)
(audience laughs)
All 'cause we wanted that
Shania Twain album, you know?
(grunts)
♪ That don't impress me much ♪
Why was it so good?
(audience laughs)
I'm a dumb person.
(audience laughs)
I am, it's fine, I like being dumb.
It's more funner, I don't know.
(audience laughs)
Being dumb is great.
One of my favorite things
to do as a dumb person
is to argue conspiracy theories
with people who care.
(audience laughs)
If you have 37 minutes
to waste in a day,
do it, it's the best.
(audience laughs)
My favorite conspiracy theory to argue
is the moon landing.
Whether we went or we didn't,
it doesn't affect my life at all.
If anything,
that'd be the most American thing
we've ever done, to fake one
of our nation's
greatest accomplishments?
That's America written all over it!
(audience laughs)
If you saw that
in the newspaper tomorrow,
you'd be like
"Ahh, yeah right we did!
"We tricked y'all for like,
"55 years you bunch of bums!
"See how far away the moon is?
"Mm-mm."
(audience laughs)
I don't have proof, or anything factual,
to prove that we didn't go to the moon,
but I do know this.
"One small step for man,
"one giant leap for mankind,"
is a perfect quote, front to back,
you can't get better than that.
And that's how I think
Neil Armstrong didn't write it.
(audience laughs)
I think he had a ghostwriter.
(audience laughs)
'Cause nobody in this room right now
could tell me another
Neil Armstrong quote.
(audience laughs)
That's not sketchy to y'all?
(audience laughs)
He's a one quote wonder?
Nah.
You don't just say one cool thing,
you're like,
"Cancel my interviews baby,
"I said everything that needs to be said."
(audience laughs)
All I know is this, right?
Neil Armstrong was a regular dude
who got shot up into space,
and as a regular dude,
I can speak for us in saying this.
My first thought when
we landed on the moon
isn't gonna be,
"I gotta say something profound
"that's gonna change the world."
My first thought
when we land on the moon,
I'm gonna hop out,
(imitates kicking door open)
(imitates airlock)
"Yeah.
(audience laughs)
"I just wanna give a
"shout-out to Lisa Gonzalez.
(audience laughs)
"She didn't think I was gonna
"make nothing of my life,
"look who's on the moon, baby!
(audience laughs)
"Yeah!
(audience laughs)
"Remember when you said
"we needed space?
"Ha! Look who got it!"
(audience laughs)