OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS.
I'M EXCITED, TOO.
I'M EXCITED, TOO BECAUSE ♪ IT'S FRIDAY ♪
WE DESERVE IT.
WE DESERVE THIS FRIDAY IN WAYS WE DON'T OFTEN.
NOW, I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD WEEK.
BUT I KNOW THAT YOU HAVEN'T BECAUSE I LIVE HERE, TOO.
NOW, OF COURSE, FOR MY JEWISH FRIENDS, GOOD SHABBOS.
TO JARED AND IVANKA, HAPPY MOST AWKWARD SABBATH DINNER EVER.
"OKAY, LET'S GO AROUND THE TABLE AND SAY SOMETHING WE'RE THANKFUL
FOR THIS WEEK.
DAD, WE'RE GOING TO SKIP YOU THIS TIME.
GET YOU DOUBLE NEXT TIME."
SEE-- AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS-- THE PRESIDENT HAS
BEEN TAKING HEAT ALL WEEK FOR BEING AN APOLOGIST FOR SOME
PEOPLE ATTENDING A NEO-NAZI RALLY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, TOM ARNOLD, IF YOU HAVE THOSE OUTTAKES OF
TRUMP SAYING THE "N" WORD ON "THE APPRENTICE," MAYBE RELEASE
THEM NOW BEFORE HE SCREAMS IT AT THE TURKEY PARDONING IN
NOVEMBER.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
>> Jon: WE DON'T KNOW.
IT COULD BE COMING.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF RALLIES, I JUST
FOUND OUT-- TODAY, OR YESTERDAY-- TRUMP
TWEET-ANNOUNCED TO "JOIN ME AT 7:00 P.M. ON TUESDAY, AUGUST
22, IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA, AT THE PHOENIX CONVENTION CENTER!"
NOW, A GIANT TRUMP RALLY WHIPPING PEOPLE UP MIGHT SOUND
LIKE A BAD IDEA IN THESE EMOTIONALLY-CHARGED TIMES,
BUT REMEMBER, IT'S PHOENIX, SO IT'S A DRY HATE.
IT'S BETTER.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH!
ALL RIGHT.
AND I THINK-- I'M NOT SURE WHY HE'S HOLDING A RALLY THIS TIME.
DOES IT HAVE A PURPOSE?
IS HE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING.
I THINK HE'S DOING IT BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO BE WITH FRIENDS.
BECAUSE HE'S LOST SOME THIS WEEK.
SINCE MONDAY, EIGHT C.E.O.'S HAVE RESIGNED FROM TRUMP'S
MANUFACTURING COUNCIL, INCLUDING DENISE MORRISON--
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
INCLUDE DENISE MORRISON OF CAMPBELL'S SOUP.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A STATEMENT FROM HER
SPOKESPERSON.
>> NO SOUP FOR YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY?
YEAH.
SIMPLE.
SIMPLE DECLARATIVE.
THAT IS ONE NAZI WE CAN ALL GET BEHIND.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, MORRISON HAD SOME HARSH
WORDS FOR TRUMP ON HER WAY OUT: "RACISM AND MURDER ARE
UNEQUIVOCALLY REPREHENSIBLE AND ARE NOT MORALLY EQUIVALENT TO
ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED IN CHARLOTTESVILLE."
SO IT HAS FALLEN TO THE SOUP LADY--
( APPLAUSE ) -- THE SOUP LADY-- WE GOT TO
TURN TO THE SOUP LADY TO TELL US THAT MURDER IS BAD?
WHAT'S NEXT, A PASSIONATE CONDEMNATION OF NAZIS FROM THE
JOLLY GREEN GIANT?
♪ HO, HO, HO, YOU'RE RACIST ♪ HE CAN SAY THAT.
HE CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE HE'S A PERSON OF COLOR.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TRUE.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
AFTER THE FIRST FEW C.E.O.s DROPPED OUT THIS WEEK, TRUMP
WASN'T FAZED, TWEETING, "FOR EVERY C.E.O. THAT DROPS OUT OF
THE MANUFACTURING COUNCIL, I HAVE MANY TO TAKE THEIR PLACE.
GRANDSTANDERS SHOULD NOT HAVE GONE ON.
JOBS!" ( LAUGHTER )
DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS THERE AT THE
END.
>> Jon: HE PUT IT AT THE END.
>> Stephen: I JUST LOVE HOW HE JUST TACKED THAT ENDING ON
THERE.
"DEAR TIFFANY, I WANTED TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND
TELL YOU WHAT A BLESSING YOU ARE IN OUR LIVES.
JOBS!" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THEN THE TRICKLE OF-- ( APPLAUSE )
THEY LOVE-- THEY LOVE MY OBJECT WORK.
BUT THEN THE TRICKLE OF RESIGNATIONS BECAME A FLOOD.
ALONG WITH THE C.E.O. OF CAMPBELL'S, TRUMP ALSO LOST THE
SUPPORT OF THE PRESIDENT AND C.E.O. OF 3M, INGE THULIN.
AND BECAUSE HE WAS FROM 3M, HE WAS THE ONLY C.E.O. TO QUIT VIA
POST-IT NOTE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE ALSO-- ( APPLAUSE )
HE ALSO LOST AFL-CIO PRESIDENT AND TRAVEL-SIZE MIKE DITKA,
RICHARD TRUMKA.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER TRUMP'S PRESS CONFERENCE
YESTERDAY, TRUMKA SAID, "WE MUST RESIGN ON BEHALF OF AMERICA'S
WORKING PEOPLE, WHO REJECT ALL NOTIONS OF LEGITIMACY OF THESE
BIGOTED GROUPS.
IT'S CLEAR THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S MANUFACTURING COUNCIL
WAS NEVER A MEANS FOR DELIVERING REAL POLICY THAT LIFTS WORKING
FAMILIES, AND HIS REMARKS TODAY WERE THE LAST STRAW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LAST!
I MEAN, GOOD FOR HIM.
I MEAN, GOOD FOR HIM, BUT I GUESS THAT MAKES CALLING
MEXICANS RAPISTS, MOCKING A DISABLED REPORTER, GRABBING
WOMEN BY THE GENITALS AND BANNING MUSLIMS FROM ENTERING
THE COUNTRY WERE JUST SOME FUN STRAWS ALONG THE
WAY, LIKE A HAYRIDE!
SO, IT'S BEEN A TOUGH WEEK FOR TRUMP'S MANUFACTURING COUNCIL,
BUT TRUMP'S NOT ONE TO BE EASILY DISSUADED.
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH IMMEDIATELY GIVE UP,
BECAUSE TRUMP TWEETED: "RATHER THAN PUTTING PRESSURE ON
THE BUSINESSPEOPLE OF THE MANUFACTURING COUNCIL AND
STRATEGY AND POLICY FORUM, I AM ENDING BOTH.
THANK YOU ALL!" "THANK YOU!
I DESTROY EVERYTHING I TOUCH.
MY KISS IS POISON!
JOBS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )