- Howdy pilgrims, I say that
'cause that's something John Wayne would of said.
Also 'cause I wanna talk about a holiday
that's Shakespearean in its history
of religious persecution, cultural clashes,
and also about our ability to sum it all up
with a simple phrase, pass the yams.
I'm 'bout to tell you the story of Thanksgiving.
(turkey gobbling)
What even is Thanksgiving?
For some, it's a chance to reflect on their blessings
in a way that doesn't involve a brunch selfie or a hashtag.
Maybe it's a cautionary tale for flightless birds.
Think about it, two top mascots of Thanksgiving,
the turkey and the dead turkey.
Learn to fly turkey, or else dress formally like a penguin
so eating you just seems impolite.
To really understand Thanksgiving
we have to go back to the first one,
or at least that first festival
that wasn't really called Thanksgiving,
but there's a picture of it.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Like any dysfunctional Thanksgiving meal
there was strife, cultural misunderstandings
and a looming threat of violence.
But textbooks, like a irritated parent,
have mostly just told us to shut up and eat.
So we don't have to explain more stuff to our stupid kids.
I'm not talking about yours, but I am talking about yours.
A lot of us think it started
with the arrival of the Mayflower,
but that was preceded by the British explorer ships,
I assume they were called the April shower.
They claimed the land for England,
'cause the natives didn't have
what they considered the proper paperwork.
It was a give and take relationship.
They took position of the land,
and gave the opportunity to eventually
be mascots of sports franchises.
When the Mayflower settlers landed years later
in an abandoned village they had a fresh water supply,
stores of food, and fertile farmlands,
sort of like a an Airbnb,
if you didn't have to get the owner's permission,
and also your friends had killed the owners.
Because before Starbucks made it about $14 lattes,
this was what gentrification looked like.
But those Plymouth settlers soon realized
they were in way over their heads,
the harsh winter and the fact that they were still British,
almost wiped them out completely.
And that's when they encountered the Wampanoag people.
Wampanoag in English means, you're probably
just gonna call us Indians anyway.
One Wampanoag name Squanto spoke fluent English
and showed the settlers how to plant corn and hunt beaver,
although some of them refused to do the latter
based on their strict religious aversion to double entendre.
Many consider Squanto a hero for being so crucial
to that bountiful harvest, because we know
that not all heroes wear capes.
But back then they had a hard time recognizing that,
partly because a lot of people wore capes.
But they did celebrate the harvest with a party.
They ate things we no longer eat,
like seal and ugly ducklings.
They ate the vegetables they had grown,
like corn and, well mostly corn.
The pilgrims made cranberry sauce in the shape of a can
and had bibs built into their outfits,
and then ate so much food that they had to remove
their belts and wear them on their hats.
And of course, nobody's sure if they ate turkey.
But I'm 100% sure they did not eat penguin.
That would have been absurd.
Some traditions live on today,
like how the whole festival ended with everybody
falling asleep watching a contest between eagles and bears.
And maybe it wasn't even
considered Thanksgiving at the time.
And maybe it was rarely celebrated
until it was made official much later
due to wars and politicians.
And maybe that's why
it's customary to go to war over politics
with family members during Thanksgiving dinner.
But that won't keep your family from hating you.
Because despite its problematic past,
Thanksgiving is a holiday for coming together,
spending time with people you love,
and then eating enough food to help you
forget that they may not always be people you like.
So go back for seconds, even though we all know it's thirds,
and fall asleep watching football,
'cause you're gonna need that energy later
for when you have to throat punch someone
at a Walmart for a $30 TV set.
And this Thanksgiving remember,
getting where you are took a little luck
and a lot of help, so try to be thankful for both.
And no matter what somebody calls corn,
try to get along with them anyway.
Also if you're a turkey,
get yourself a tux, bam you're a penguin.
Happy Thanksgiving America.