Hey, check our shoe-cam,
just like the ladies on the red carpet have.
Who makes my shoe? NYU medical center.
Welcome to a special Oscar's edition
of Melatony Movie Reviews,
where I take over the counter, completely legal,
and not habit-forming melatonin and then review movies.
I'm Melatony and this is my roommate, Silent Siskel.
Something is wrong with her.
Says take one to fall asleep, so I take four to stay awake.
Now here's the best Oscar's rundown you're going to get
without doing a Google search.
Christian Bale's accent, the fuck?
It's like when you meet a guy at a bar,
you go home with him,
next morning you hear him talk for the first time
and it's like, "You're from Boston.
If I had known I wouldn't have..."
William Dafoe.
Willem Dafoe.
That's not a name.
It's either William or it's Will I Am.
Anyway. Who? What's the fucking guy's name?
Richard E. Grant.
If I wanted to hear a middle aged dude
get all keyed up on coke and talk about books,
I would just call my dad. I'll just keep it going.
Ramen Malek is like that guy that you like until he starts
telling you how he sees musical notes as colors.
Rami Malek's teeth, hope they were in SAG
for doing a lot of work. Mahershala Ali's performance ...
pretty good considering he had to act opposite Sly Stallone.
Not a conspiracy theorist
but I do believe that Brad Cooper and Lady Gaga
are cheating on each other with their spouses.
All my eyes are closed.
Snack break!
I whipped up this unbuttered toast,
totally awful, no seasoning, cuts the inside of your mouth,
and that's in honor of Green Book.
Best actress, best supporting actress.
As usual, a tight race. Lady Gaga losing to Glenn Close
reminded me of when I was nominated for homecoming queen
in high school but I found out it was a prank.
And actually a teacher won that year.
This is the second nomination for Melissa McCarthy
but the first movie
where she didn't have to hurl her body into a fence.
Jumping into fences, like I love that.
That's good film to me. Meryl Streep was nominated.
Didn't do any movies, but you know what, it's tradition.
Am I dead from melatonin?
You never talk, I just like don't know how you feel.
Keira Knightley in the favorite.
She's not in that.
No she's definitely in it.
It's like the role that she was born to play.
Yes, anyhow, if it comes down to Emma Stone and Rachel Weiss
for the favorites, like apples and oranges,
same fucking thing. Just gotta put some makeup on.
But in my opinion, the best actress this year
was my sister-in-law,
for sticking it out for the sake of the kids.
Snack break.
So in honor of Vice, I roasted this pheasant,
which is what Dick Cheney was hunting
when he shot that guy in the face.
Aw, I love you Lenny. I'm a war criminal.
The big story with best picture is that this year the movies
are finally ones that people have seen.
What the hell was Shaped Like Water?
I'm sorry, which of these movies is a Spike Lee joint?
I forget.
BlacKkKlansman.
Okay. I see that.
BlacKkKlansman ... mention ... kind of like ... pizza.
Roma was made entirely of black and white footage
that Fonzie Corazon found at a Brooklyn thrift shop.
The Favorite, it was shot on a GoPro, which is awesome.
I used to have a GoPro but it got stolen by my friend
at the skate park, which is not awesome.
And he's not my friend anymore.
Bohemian Rhapsody, I watched it. But I didn't see it.
So in my opinion Black Panther is the best movie
and it should win.
I thought we discussed why you shouldn't do that.
Haters say that an action franchise can't win best pic,
but you remember this parade of trolls?
That movie was garbage, so bad.
I actually took my cousin for his birthday
and I made him pay me back for the ticket.
So the Oscars don't have a host.
Neither does Panera Bread, and it runs itself.
So now you know literally everything there is to know,
and you can finally win your office Oscars pool.
Enjoy the Oscars, and tune in next week
when I tell you everything you need to know
about the Academy Awards.
I'm not dead. Just happy.