>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE BREAK, I
WAS OVER THERE, EXPLAINING THAT DONALD TRUMP IS NOT GOOD AT
HEALING OUR NATION'S DOMESTIC WOUNDS, BUT, TO BE FAIR, HE ALSO
SUCKS AT FOREIGN POLICY.
I'LL EXPLAIN.
SEE, TRUMP ATTENDED A COUPLE OF FUNDRAISERS THIS WEEKEND.
ONE OF THEM WAS HOSTED BY REAL ESTATE MOGUL AND ALFRED E. OLD
MAN, STEPHEN ROSS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WAS CONTROVERSIAL.
BECAUSE LAST WEEK IT WAS REVEALED THAT "ROSS' COMPANY
OWNS EQUINOX AND SOUL CYCLE," WHICH ANGERED MANY PEOPLE ENOUGH
TO "CANCEL THEIR MEMBERSHIPS."
PERSONALLY, I WAS SO MAD, I CANCELLED MY GYM MEMBERSHIP 15
YEARS AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
TAKE THAT, MY BODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT A SECOND FUNDRAISER THAT
NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT REALLY CUT LOOSE, BECAUSE, DURING HIS
SPEECH, "TRUMP PUT ON A FAKE JAPANESE ACCENT TO RECOUNT HIS
CONVERSATIONS WITH SHINZO ABE OVER TRADE TARIFFS."
NOW, WE DON'T HAVE ANY AUDIO, OR VIDEO, BUT EBL IT SOUNDED A
LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS -- (AS EDWARD G. ROBINSON)
"M'YAH SEE?
I'M SHINZO ABE, SEE?
I RUN THIS PACIFIC RIM, SEE?
LAND OF THE RISING SUN, MISTER?
DOMO ARRIAGATO, MR. ROBOTO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S MY DE NIRO.
THAT'S ROBERT DE NIRO DOING AN IMPRESSION OF SHINZO ABE.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP SAID HE WAS IMPRESSED THAT
SHINZO ABE'S FATHER WAS A KAMIKAZE PILOT IN WORLD WAR II.
AN UNSUCCESSFUL ONE, EVIDENTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ON HIS WAY TO THE FUNDRAISERS,
TRUMP WAS JAZZED ABOUT SOMETHING HE HAD JUST RECEIVED --
> I GOT A VERY BEAUTIFUL LETTER FROM KIM JONG UN YESTERDAY.
IT WAS HAND DELIVERED AND IT WASN'T TOUCHED BY ANYBODY.
THEY LITERALLY TAKE IT FROM NORTH KOREA TO MY OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: HAND-DELIVERED?
FOR A GUY WHO'S THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, HE'S AWFULLY
IMPRESSED BY THE CONCEPT OF "MAIL."
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"A MAN IN AN OFFICIAL UNIFORM, GRAY, SHORTS, PITH HELMET,
HAND-DELIVERED IT TO ME.
AND YOU CAN TELL IT WAS MEANT FOR THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THE
STAMP WAS AN AMERICAN FLAG.
( LAUGHTER ) FOREVER.
SAID FOREVER.
HE THINKS I SHOULD BE PRESIDENT FOREVER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP WOULDN'T DESCRIBE THE CONTENTS OF THE LETTER, BUT
LATER TWEETED, "IN A LETTER TO ME SENT BY KIM JONG UN, HE
STATED, VERY NICELY, THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO MEET AND START
NEGOTIATIONS AS SOON AS THE "JOINT" U.S./SOUTH KOREA "JOINT"
EXERCISES "ARE" OVER.
IT WAS A LONG LETTER, MUCH OF IT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE RIDICULOUS
AND EXPENSIVE EXERCISES."
THAT'S YOUR PRESIDENT, CALLING OUR MILITARY TRAINING TO DEFEND
SOUTH KOREA FROM A MURDEROUS NUCLEAR MADMAN "RIDICULOUS."
WHAT AN INSPIRING COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF:
(AS TRUMP) "ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH, I
GUESS.
EVEN THOUGH, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WE'VE ALREADY BEEN INTO THE
BREACH.
GOING BACK JUST SEEMS KIND OF STUPID AND EXPENSIVE.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE LEADER OF THE BREACH TOLD ME IN A
BEAUTIFUL LETTER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT TRUMP REALLY BELIEVES HE AND KIM ARE BEST BUDS.
IN FACT, AT THE FUNDRAISER, HE CLAIMED, "PEOPLE SAY HE ONLY
SMILES WHEN HE SEES ME."
(AS TRUMP) "AND HE DOESN'T JUST SMILE.
OFTEN, HE POINTS AT ME AND LAUGHS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, YOU'RE RIGHT,
MR. PRESIDENT, KIM JONG UN DOES SMILE AT YOU -- AND AT APPLES,
CHILDREN'S SHOES, COSMETIC DISPLAYS, GIANT TIRES, LIGHT
BULBS, MUSHROOMS, A BIG PLASTER OCTOPUS, AND, OF COURSE,
INDUSTRIAL LUBE.
( LAUGHTER ) I BELIEVE THAT'S THE FACTORY
THAT MAKES THE PRESIDENT'S SOFT SERVE BRONZER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CATE BLANCHETT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )