In this video, I'm going to be answering the question, "Should I fight for my ex or let
them go?" But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the
great loving relationship you're looking for without having to play mind games, without
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that people sort of seem to believe for some reason about getting back together with your
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So anyway, with that being said, let's go ahead and get into this video. Again, we're
talking about how to know if you should fight for your ex or let them go. And I know that
there are a lot of opinions about this out there. I know that there are people that say,
"Always give up on your ex, breakups happen for a reason. You can do better than that.
You go girl," all that stuff. And I'm not here to say that there's anything necessarily
wrong with that. However, I've also talked to a lot of people who have not just been
in some sort of situation where they can just, "Yeah, let's just move on." This is people
whose families are being ripped apart. People whose marriages have ended after decades together.
Is it worth trying to smooth that out, overcome differences, and make communication between
the two of you work so that you can actually pull your family back together? You can actually
get back together with someone that you've spent the bulk of your life together with?
Oftentimes it can make sense to do that. That's not to say that it wouldn't make sense for
you to not fight for your relationship or something like that if you and your ex were
only together for a short period of time, either. This is a choice you have to make.
But either way, I'm going to help you to kind of work through some of the thought process
that I would generally encourage clients to go through when they're considering, "Should
I get back together with my ex, should I move on?"
First and foremost, I look at why did the breakup happen? What happened that caused
the two of you to break up? Is it something that can be overcome? Is it something that
maybe is already overcome? Has whatever caused the breakup to happen in the first place been
corrected?" If not, then obviously that is the first place to start. If, for example,
your ex doesn't trust you or if you broke their confidence in some way, or if they think
that you're this way when really you're that way, or there's some kind of misunderstanding,
like sure, you can absolutely overcome that. Totally.
If on the other hand that hasn't been addressed yet, obviously, I would recommend that you
work on that because your ex isn't going to want to or feel excited about coming back
into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place. And I know that
you're a human and that they're a human and if the two of you get back together, the same
humans will be involved in a relationship, but the relationship has to be seen as a dynamic,
not necessarily just whether or not the same humans are involved. And so that's what I
mean by, they're not going to walk back into the same relationship that they walked out
of in the first place. We have to very, very strongly shift the dynamics so they know that
getting back together is something different, something better than what was there before.
Additionally, you want to also look at what it is you want in a relationship or in a partner?
What is it that you actually want? Right? So, I work with a fair number of women out
there, and a lot of women, not saying all of them, but a lot of women are interested
in getting married, in starting a family and all of that. And women being women, there
is a certain sort of time window that that has to happen within. So you can't just kind
of take your sweet old time when it comes to all of this stuff, maybe the way that men
can. And so if that's what you want for yourself, then you want to also be kind of real with
the guy that you might be considering doing all of this stuff with.
Does he seem like he wants the same things that you want? Does he seem like he wants
marriage? Does he seem like he wants to have a family? Does he seem like he would be a
good father figure? Or is he just really inconsistent and probably not going to be the best dad
out there? Or does he have narcissistic personality disorder? In which case, okay, that's going
to spill over onto the kids and make them need therapy at some point in time. So you
have to think about these sorts of things. Again, I'm not here to say you should never
date someone like this, or you should always date people like this. This is a choice that
you have to make for yourself. You have to say, "Okay, what am I looking for in a partner?
What am I looking for in a relationship? And does the person that I am thinking about being
in a relationship with have these qualities?" If they do, great, green light, let's go.
If they don't, then we have to say, "Okay. How I found them is how they are likely to
stay." Do emotionally unavailable people eventually become a available? Sure. It can happen, but
is it going to happen on your timeframe? Not necessarily. Do commitment-phobes suddenly
decide to want to commit and settle down? Yeah, it can happen, but is it going to happen
anytime soon? I don't know. And so we need to start to think about these sorts of things.
We need to start to think about, "Can I accept them as the person that they are now?" Because
one thing I can tell you is that you're not going to be able to get them to change for
you. There's no magic cheat code out there that if you just say it is suddenly going
to make someone want to be emotionally available when maybe they weren't for their entire life
up until now. There's no secret words that you can say,
that's going to make someone stop being a narcissist. There's no any of that stuff out
there. You have to just say, "Okay, this is the person that's in front of me. Can I accept
them the way that they are? Is this person, as they are in front of me, likely to give
me the kind of relationship that I want or likely to be the kind of partner that I want?"
Again, yes, absolutely, people can change, but I don't want you necessarily sitting around
waiting for months or years or decades or eternity for someone to change when maybe
they just don't want to change. Maybe they don't want to be emotionally available. Maybe
they have zero desire to get whatever their issues are under control. And they're just
going to be the way that they are right now forever.
And if that's the case, then it makes sense to say, "Okay, I want this, you're that. Maybe
I just need to say, 'I'm unlikely to get what I want from you.' And let's go forward and
create some space in my life where I can meet someone who is what I want in a partner or
a can give me what I want in a relationship." And so that's what I would really have you
think about when it comes to what you want in a relationship and whether or not trying
to make things work between you and your ex is a good idea. Now, as like an asterisk to
all of this, I mean, obviously, I do not recommend that you get involved with anyone in some
sort of abusive dynamic or anything like that, or anything that involves illegal activity.
Every now and then we get someone who's like, "Oh, Hey, yeah, my ex is 13 years old."
And I'm like, "I really didn't want to call the police today, but now I'm going to have
to do that." So again, as long as there's nothing illegal or no violence involved and
what you and your ex are to one another is compatible with what you want for yourself
in a partner and a relationship and all of that, I think that it totally makes sense
if you want to see what's possible between you and your ex and try to save that relationship.
In the same vein, too, it's also okay if for any reason you don't want to get back together
with your ex, just because maybe some of these things are in place that we've talked about
in this video and you don't want to do it. That's totally okay, too. Again, like I said,
I'm just here to help you make some decisions, but ultimately these decisions are yours and
yours alone. And if you want to be with someone, that's
cool. If you don't want to be with someone, that's cool, too. But I can tell you that
if you want to save yourself a lot of frustration, make sure that you can accept them as the
person that they are. Make sure that you are okay with them as the person that they are.
And if you are, then I say, let's see what's possible between you and them. Anyway, I hope
this has helped you out. Once again, if you do want to get on our email newsletter where
we send you tips, advice, and strategies for helping you save your relationship, and you
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Once again, my name is Clay. If you like what we're doing, give this video a thumbs up,
subscribe to this channel. And if you do want to find more about how to connect with your
ex on an emotional level, be sure to check out this video series over here on what we
call advanced relational skills. If on the other hand, you want to check out this video
over here, go ahead and check it out, too. But thank you so much. And I'll talk to you
in the next video. Take care.